Wine crash!

Oh my gosh! I was shopping at Als following my mother around like a good child to make sure she didn’t fall into a freezer or something just as bizarre, when I looked up and noticed my cart was headed straight for the bottles of wine…on it’s own of course. I had to put on the brakes and barley stopped within 2 hairs of hitting them, knocking them over! I could just see it…50 bottles of the most expensive wine in the store crashing to the floor shattering into 5 million shardes of glass! Wine spilling and splashing, drenching me and every other unfortunate customer within 10 feet of me! The whole store will shake, releasing a sonic boom that could be heard for miles! After the deafening sound…one could hear a pin drop as every person turned their head towards me, glaring because I just helped to add an extra ten years onto their already way too short life span.
As I was standing there thinking to myself, ‘whew, I just avoided another catastrophe, I sure don’t need to read in the Herald Argus, the News Dispatch, USA Today, Time Magazine, or the Chicago Tribune, about how Addie Acres destroyed Al’s Super Market and causes a wide spread panic!’, when mother came up, raised her cane at me, shook it and scolded me for looking at the wine! After all, she didn’t raise me to a be a wino and no child of hers was going to drink and become a lush!

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Morning revenge!

Yep, its 6:30 AM. I’ve been up since before dawn…just one of those nights where I can’t sleep. As I laid in bed tossing and turning, I noticed how quiet it was outside. No rooster screeching or donkey HEE HAAAAWING, no alpaca screaming at an early jogger, no pig loudly grunting at the gate for her breakfast-lunch-dinner-midnight snack to be served all at once…all day.
No farm sounds! At first I was like, ‘Yes! Finally nobody is being a pre-dawn pain!’
Then I got worried and thought, ‘oh my gosh, what if they all mysteriously died at the same time? What if they broke through the fence and are running down the road or across the street eating the neighbors daffodils!’ What if aliens came and beamed them up because they want to examine and study the most frustrating animals known to man, and figure out why they do what they do (good luck with that one, they’ll send Dunkay back down in less than 10 seconds!)? What if?
So then I got this not so bright idea and thought I would sneak out there in my red puppy dog robe and do my famous Farmer lady yodel and wake THEM up for a change! Oh the thought of sweet revenge! I happily pictured it in my mind!
I sneak out there just as the sun was starting to peek over the tree tops, I find them snuggled deep into the hay sleeping, their little legs twitching, snores coming ftom Remi’s house, Sugar Baby cuddled up to Sweetie as she unconsciously tries to push him away. The turkeys snoozed beak to beak. Dunkay sleeps standing up next to the hay bin, still guarding it. Laci never made it inside the barn, she is still in the back pasture sleeping with a mouthful of grass. The rooster is perched way up high so he when he wakes them all up in the morning before they’re ready, no one can get him!
Nobody hears me, I stand in the middle of the barn and yell out my loudest, best farm yodel on this side of Kentucky!
Dunkay falls over, the turkeys flap high into the air with feathers flying, the chickens are squawking flying into each other, the llamas race to the door (except for Lincoln, he takes on his fight stance) the pig runs out of her house to see where breakfast is, and the rooster? Well he struts over to me, winks, giving me a nod as if to say, ‘yep, that was a good one human’!

A texting argument

So, married couples and others who just cannot live, survive without your significant other…do you ever have a little spat and go into silent mode because your stubbornness won’t let you ask a very important question or tell them something they really need to know? You too? Well, I know it’s hard to believe, but once in a great while, HE will do, not do, say, or not say something that automatically makes my brain go into ‘I’m not talking to him for the next 50 years’ mode!
Last night was one of those fun evenings.  Only problem,  I had to tell him something important but my mouth refused to open. So I did the next best thing…I texted him. Here we are, 12 inches away from each other watching TV, glaring at each other every 5 minutes playing ‘push the cat off of me and towards each other’ game. I texted him, he texted back. Back and forth having an important conversation over the phone sitting a few inches away from each other as the kitty was shoved from one lap to the other! You should’ve seen us!  At one point of the silent conversation, the texting got ‘heated’…he would type real fast then hit the send button hard, sit there and glare waiting for me to respond! Then I would angrily hit those letters and hit send, and do MY glare.
After a few minutes of a heated conversation in text sitting next to each other, we both looked up from our heated phones and laughed!
We made up, snuggled and texted each other how much we love each other!

Duck and rooster screech together!

Oh my gosh, the duck has joined C.S. in his morning screeching! I woke up before one could officially say ‘daylight’ to that stupid rooster and the duck who is now according to my tired ears, louder than that dang chicken!
Ever since we lost the other quacker, Miss Quack has been trying to find her place with the other feathered creatures on the farm. She was hanging with the turkey for awhile but just couldn’t seem to convince her that swimming in a mud puddle was fun and should be done 207.5 times a day. Miss Quack would push Miss Gobble towards the very muddy puddle, jump in quacking at the turkey to show her how much fun it was to get wet and full of thick gooey dirt. The turkey wasn’t buying it, she waddled as fast has she could go in the opposite direction! So Miss Quack started in on the chickens. They like sitting in cold muddy water as much as the turkey does…not at all!
Lately she has been following C.S. around, even though he won’t bathe with her. I think its because daddy rooster took his harem of hens away. C.S. use to have 4 girls following him around, swooning over every screech, I mean COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO!
So now, he is forced to hang with a duck and at times a turkey…the 3 stooges, the misfits, the gang of ‘huh?’
Anyhoo…the rooster and duck were underneath my bedroom window screeching and quacking. Back and forth, from one annoying sound to another. I swear I’m going to get my great grandmothers farm recipe book out and look up duck soup and chicken casserole!

Yummy bird suet

I’m sure most of you saw the pic earlier of the yummy home made bird suet that someone made for us and dropped off today. Well, Chad came home and saw it wrapped up on the counter and automatically thought it was some kind of gooey doughnut (uh huh, you know where I’m going with this!)…so he unwrapped part of it and put it up to his mouth for a bite (mean Nancy is watching with glee!!). He was about to take a bite (as I said to myself over and over…please take a bite, please take a bite) when he noticed one of the meal worms was looking at him! He held it back, turned it over and over, staring at it over his glasses with a deep frown. He then looks at me and ask, “what the heck is this??” I dissapointly explained that it’s for the birds. He glares at me then says, “you were going to let me eat it weren’t you!” Well, yeah. I wanted a story!

Tiny car!

So, I’ve been seeing a little teeny tiny, itsy bitsy white car around town that is smaller than our mini woolly mammoth horse Laci…with TWO people inside. I’m not sure how these full grown adults can even get inside this tiny box of a car! I would love to see them struggle to get in and out. I can just hear a normal conversation from these folks going out in it…

Mr: “Honey, want to go to the store with me?”
Mrs: “Sure, just let me grab my purse!”
Mr: “Now, you know there’s no room for your bag, just leave it”
Mrs: “Yeah your right, let me grab my sunglasses”
Mr: “Fine, just dont take them off, no room on the dash to lay them down”

So, Mr and Mrs walk to the garage to get into to the car they nicknamed ‘cracker box’ only to see that it’s gone!

Mr: “Wheres the car??!”
Mrs: “I parked it right here! I know I did!”
Mr: ” Oh wait, I see it, I put the trash can in front of it!”

Mr and Mrs stand in front of the smaller than a tandem bike that you can hold hands over car, and form a plan on how to get inside without banging a knee, or hitting their now bruised head.
Mrs looks up at Mr and says, “On second thought, I think I’ll stay here. You go and enjoy the ride!”

Mr grumbles something about all the gas they’re saving, opens the car door to look at the space made perfect for a toy poodle, puts a leg in and gets stuck!

Yep, that’s how I see it if owning one of those tiny cars that would tip over if a bicycle ran into the side of it, or a large bug smashed onto the windshield, or a 5 mile an hour gust of wind came towards it, or a frisbee hit it!

I mean, wheres the engine? Is the gas tank bigger than a cup of coffee? Where would you put your groceries? Insurance companies actually insure those death traps?
Inquiring minds want to know!

Lone ranger!

Well, now that I have the ‘Lone Ranger’ theme song stuck in my head and I’ve been yelling out, “Hi Ho Silver, Awaaaaaay” all morning…I’m going out to the barn and I’m gonna teach those llamas how to humm it out! So, every time someone comes over and those llamas followed by a goat (who thinks he’s a llama) gallop to the fence because they know that extra treats will soon be crunching in their greedy little mouths, everyone will hear the Hi Ho Silver galloping music! Plus I’m going to put a loud speaker out there so when everyone is running towards us, it’ll yell out. “HI HO SILVER!!!”
Of course, that’ll make Dunkay perk up and do his best Silver the horse impression by getting on his hind legs, loudly HEEE HAAAW, and slice his front legs through the air as his military style mane sways in the wind!! I just hope he doesn’t trip and fall on Laci who will do her best impression of Tonto’s horse by kicking him on the shins…all 4 of them!

And if for some reason I can’t teach them to hum it out, I will train them to come running by blasting the ‘Lone Ranger’ theme song on speakers that will be all around the barn and pastures! Every neighbor within 5 miles will know every time those animals are galloping around on the farm!! 😁😁😁