We were driving down the road when I spotted a big orange sign advertising a garage sale (I can spot them 3 miles down the road!), we noticed that it was in the very back behind a memorial buisness that sells tombstones. We kinda pulled in the driveway to take a peek. I hit chad in the arm and demanded that we turn around NOW as I locked the doors. I refuse to go to a ‘garage sale’ behind tombstones with extra large, bright yellow smiley face stickers plastered on them, pots of half dead flowers lining the drive, and a tall spooky looking guy dressed in a worn black suit who could be Lurch’s twin brother from the Adam’s Family, fidgeting in front of the opening of a very dark garage complete with cobwebs! He motioned us to come on up holding a dented urn (with a sale tag), wearing a wilted white rose on his lapel. We could see tables loaded with creepy items like jars filled with liquid, unusual looking tools, things that I didn’t want to know what they were or what they’re used for! In the very back, we could see a wooden coffin, the kind you see in old western movies with a bright green neon sign flashing, ‘todays deal’ in there. I’m sure if I looked hard enough, I would’ve spotted ravens with red eyes perched in the trees!
A normal Sunday afternoon conversation
Chad: “where’s Biscuit”?
Me: “still outside”
Chad: “well get him in so we can leave”
Me: “I can’t, he won’t come in”
Chad: “why not? Just call him”
Me: “there’s a pig and a goat in the doorway, and he won’t go past them!”
Chad: “well move them!”
Me: “they won’t move! I tried it already!”
Chad: “really? Just push them!”
Me: “Hello, I tried that already, they’re like water, they just come back together and refuse to move!!”
Chad: “fine, I’ll move them so we can leave”
Me: “okay smartie, move them”
Chad goes out and does his farmer yell along with waving arms and stomping his feet. Both animals look up at him, glance at each other, look back at Chad and take a ‘I dare you to touch me’ stance.
Me: “told you! Not as easy as you thought huh smartie pants!”
Chad: “THEY WILL MOVE!!”
Super Farmer rolls up his sleeves, takes a deep breath and starts his mad farmer dance around both animals.
The pig and the goat don’t move except for their heads moving side to side as they watch him do his pow wow dance, whooping his war cry out!
I rolled my eyes, shut the door and called Biscuit to come around to the front where I let him in.
We were driving down the road when I spotted a big green sign advertising a garage sale (I can spot them 3 miles down the road!), I noticed it’s in the very back behind a memorial buisness that sells tombstones. We kinda pulled in the driveway to take a peek. I hit chad in the arm and demanded that we turn around NOW. I’m not going to a ‘garage sale’ behind tombstones with bright yellow sale stickers that look like smiley faces) plastered on them, pots of half dead flowers lining the drive and a tall spooky looking guy dressed in a worn black suit who could be Lurch’s twin brother from the Adam’s Family standing in front of the opening of a very dark garage complete with cobwebs! He motioned us to come on up holding a dented urn (with a sale tag), wearing a wilted white rose on his lapel. We could see tables filled with creepy items like jars filled with liquid, unusual looking tools, things that I didn’t want to know what they were or what they’re used for! I swear I saw a wooden coffin, the kind you see in old western movies with a ‘todays deal’ sign on it in there. I’m sure if I looked long enough, I would’ve spotted ravens perched in the trees!
I love it when Chad has a ‘Remi moment’! Sometimes I feel like he thinks I make some of this stuff up. He’ll come home and the poor guy isn’t even through the door when I start in on him about HIS animals! I follow him through the house carrying on and on about what they did to me, the yard, the porch, his flower’s, the neighbors trying to walk past. Usually he nods his head in agreement with a glazed look like he’s somewhere else, which I’m sure he is.
Well this morning before he left for work, he came in all frustrated waving his arms talking a mile a minute. This is his story…
‘I went out to feed the goats and chickens and had marshmallows for the goats as a treat. I looked everywhere for that pig, and she was nowhere to be seen. So I dropped a marshmallow in front of Dillon and that stupid pig was right there! One second she was nowhere to be seen, the next she’s grabbing Dillons treat before it hits the ground! I swear, she was not there when I let go of it! She appeared out of thin air BEFORE it hit the ground! How does she do that?! She’s like the butler in Mr Deeds!! I’m not kidding!’
I listened to his Remi tale nodding my head in agreement, secretly howling with laughter inside my head! He stopped, narrowed his eyes at me and demanded to know if I was listening! I replied, “why yes dear, I always listen to you!”
He got frustrated with me because he knew I was enjoying his woe way too much. So he stomped to the back door, peered out and motioned for me to take a look. He said, “see, no pig. Do YOU see her anywhere? I know that as soon as I step outside, she’ll be within inches of me!!”
I loving patted him on the back and reassured him that she’s in the barn now stealing Dunkays food.
He slowly opened the door, stuck his head out, looked both ways then ran to the car. Last I saw, he was running towards his silver HHR with Remi galloping a foot behind him, yelling at her to get the heck away from him as his silk tie flapped behind him!!
I guess she wasn’t in the barn after all! LOL LOL LOL!
This was almost funny. Chad and I got home just after sunset and it wasn’t quite dark yet. He went to fill up the llamas water in front of our garage and I started to take in our groceries. Chad is standing there with the hose, I have 3 sacks of goodies, when he turned to me and said, “what is that thing?” I follow his gaze to the far pasture but I don’t see anything. I replied, “theres nothing out there dear, water your animals.” He answers, “look! in the back field, its running this way…that black thing!” Now I’m almost concerned about his mental state, all I see is weeds, fencing, a few posts, a donkey, a tumbleweed…you know, farm stuff. I turn around to take my now getting heavy sacks into the house, when out of the corner of my eye, I see a black thing barrel it’s way through the gate, run around the car and up to Chad. Its Remi. I didn’t know that a fat little pig could run! Heck she can barely walk she’s so fat! Remi goes up to Chad and starts pushing on his legs, rubbing her pig snout and body all over his pants leaving clumps of piggy snot and bristly hair. He is doing a side step dance holding the hose trying to keep the pig away from his clean work pants. Remi wants her daddy and she wants him NOW! They are going around and around the water bucket. He is pushing her away with his free hand while keeping the hose over the bucket as she grunts, determined to get in a good rub. I laughed out loud and made a funny comment about how the pig loooooooves her daddy!! She heard my voice, looked at me, and by george if that darn pig didn’t start galloping towards me! I said, ” um Chad, your pig is coming at me, make her stop!”. He laughed out loud and made a snooty comment about how Remi just looooves her mommy! She tries to put her dirty snout on me and I find myself doing the farm gal country side step dance with a potbelly! I turned around and RAN with my groceries to the house with an over weight potbelly pig chasing me! I got to the back door and of course it was locked! I’m trapped between the chair and table with a pig coming straight at me as fast as her stubby little legs would go, which by the way, is unbelievably quick! I yelled at Chad to help me as I swung a couple of Kroger plastic bags in front of Remi’s face to keep her from touching me. I could hear my hero laughing as I threatened him with ‘dog house status’ for the next 15 years! I finally got the key to turn and stumbled inside because there was an over excited pitbull trying to go out as I’m trying to get in. I slammed the door and watched through the window at Remi who turned her attention towards poor Dillon the old goat. She ran up to him and put her nose right up to his behind and goosed him which made him jump up and angrily Baaaaaaaaa’d! Last I saw , he was running with the pig a half inch away from his behind to the barn! Chad came to the conclusion that she’s in heat and wants some attention. I for one, will be keeping my distance from an overly excited pig who wants to be loved by anyone at anytime for the next couple of days!
Nothing like being woke up early in the morning by a screaming alpaca outside my bedroom window! I flung back the curtain (I seem to do that a lot!) to see what the heck he is freaking out about this time, only to find it’s that darn pig waaaaaaaaay out in the back pasture running, waddling, moving, galloping…what ever you want to call it (actually, she looks like a boat being tossed in the sea, back and forth…I’m always expecting her to fall over, little miss webbles, she wobbles but she doesn’t fall down!) coming full speed to the house! Lincoln couldn’t tell if it was friend or foe! So to be on the safe side, he decided it was foe and made sure that me and all the neighbors within 100 miles, knew that something was amiss here on the farm…again.
So, someone asked me, “what exactly are you looking for in a ‘normal’ morning?”
I had to think about this because our mornings fall under the categories of ‘frantic, unusual, chaotic, hilarious, unbelievable, twilight zone’. There’s nothing normal about living with llamas on your porch, goats in the house eating the Guinea pig food, a potbelly pig that shows up out of nowhere like the butler in Mr Deeds when you try to feed the chickens, a Donkey that chases his tail, a mini horse that stands in a trance most of the day from over eating, llamas and goats who stare at you through windows and doors, a rooster who, on purpose, screams out his before daybreak, COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO under your bedroom window on purpose, ducks that swim in a green turtle sandbox, a turkey who barks at the neighbors, barn cats that constantly squabble with each other, swirling around the yard in a dust tornado…I could go on and on!
Back to the original question ‘what would my normal morning look like’.
I snuggled into my overstuffed lazyboy chair with my non stop growling 7lbs of fur and teeth, and daydreamed about my perfect morning!
My ‘normal’ morning would look something like this…
I wake up at 9am to song birds, not 5am to an annoying rooster. I roll over to find a steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand with a loving note with little hearts drawn all over it from my hubby, telling me how much he adores me, how lucky he is to have found me…the perfect wife…along with how he got up extra early to do all of the farm chores just so I could relax all day, take pics, go to garage sales, shop until I drop with a $100 bill!! I fling back the covers, stretch and not worry about stepping on a dog, or try to dodge a growling, snapping chihuahua. I take my cup of joe to the sparkling clean porch without weaving my way through a couple of llamas and a too fat, thinks she’s starving to death pig. I sit alone, not with a baby goat trying to lay on my lap, and listen to birds happily chirping out their praises to the One who created them! Not to chickens squabbling with each other over a worm that one of them is running away with. I sip my perfect cup of coffee watching the tree branches sway in the wind, butterflies flutter past…not at llamas having a ‘date’ in my line of vision and everyone else who happens to drive past the funny farm.
Yep, that about sums it up. I shook my head out of this fantasy dream just in time to watch Sweetie the llama gallop past the window with Dunkay close behind as Lincoln our alpaca stood at the fence screaming out his war cry at the poor guy who, after all these years, is still brave enough to walk his two fluff balls in the matching purple sweaters, past our farm as our turkey barks at them.