Yep, its thanksgiving. The day I go out to the barn to gaze upon adorable furry faces, thanking each and every one of them for making my life more enjoyable, fun, exciting, happy, fulfilled and of course…stressful (followed close with annoyance, frustration and temper tantrums). As I sweetly talk to larger than myself fur babies, they lose interest after about the 3rd or 4th word. I usually find myself left with one animal, Dunkay, staring at me with love and adoration…thanking me for being his human. Yeah right, he’s hungry and wants…cookies…sweet potatoes…pumpkin pie…buttered rolls. He knows its turkey day, he can smell every thanksgiving meal being cooked within 5 miles! He’s not looking at me with love, he’s demanding that I include him in the celebration of food, lots and and lots of human food! So after a few minutes of sharing my thankful, heartfelt thoughts to llamas who left and are eating in the field, a horse who fell asleep standing up, a goat who is circling me wondering when is this human going to stop yacking and start feeding, and a donkey who has been slowly backing me up into a corner…I loudly say to them all, “well happy turkey day anyway”!! Of course when I yelled that out, both turkeys looked up at me, turned to each other with an expression of horror, then RAN to the nearest bush to hide! I give up. No more speeches to animals inside the barn.
I am happy to say that I snuck in my office to do devotions early this morning and I got to read, pray, plan out Chad’s vacation day with farm chores ALONE! Yep, you read right…
ALONE! I threw a slice of cheese to the hungry, always starving animals that follow me around in the kitchen in case I open up the magic box (fridge) that holds golden nuggets like cheese, left over meatloaf, bologna slices…anything that doesn’t have the word ‘PET’ on the package! They were gathered around me in a tight circle, so I opened the treasure chest to get them a ‘stay away from me’ treat. Once in awhile my bad girl side comes out along with a crazy giggle, and I throw a piece of meat or cheese in the middle of them as I make a mental bet inside my head on who’s going to get it. I usually bet on Chippie because he’s small, fast and has the permanent growl face on…see, moms are right…if you keep making a nasty face, your face will freeze up that way forever!
Anyhoo, I took out the cheese, held it it up so everyone got a good look, letting that cheesy smell drift towards their noses. Then I threw it in the living room as far away from me as I could! They all galloped to the treat that only one can eat! Super Farmer came around the corner, saw the cheese fly past him and said, “hey, isnt that my Wisconsin cheese I just bought!” I answered, “yep, sure is!!” Chad loooooooves his cheese so he ran after the stampede to save his slice of heaven! I watched a football tackle play out in the middle of my living room among sounds of growls, hissing and a couple of choice words! Two dogs, two cats, and a grown man diving towards a stupid slice of cheese. Oh my gosh! Really?! Then this thought flashed through mind…’RUN NANCY TO YOUR OFFICE BEFORE THEY UNTANGLE THEMSELVES!’ I rushed to my office, slammed the door shut, stood there for a few seconds with my back against the door, arms out, smiling that I made it! I can do devotions without a 90 lb Pitbull taking up 80% of my chair, a heavy cat laying across my legs making them go numb, and a growling chihuahua under my robe as a kitten nurses on it!
And by george, that’s what I did! I’m not sure who got the cheese, but my money was on Chippie.
My morning routine…
I wake up to the annoying sound of C.S. (short for chicken soup) on purpose, crowing beneath my bedroom window which is loud enough to shake the glass. I go through my list of ways to make chicken casseroles, soup, dinner, lunch, breakfast, desert, snack…you name a food with chicken in it, I’ve already day dreamed about it a 1000 times in the wee hours of the morning! After wishing him bodily harm for a half hour, I get up, gearing myself for the doggie dance. I need to manuver, step over, side step, jump past, and tip toe around 3 dogs who have been doing the ‘jump on and off the bed’ game in rythem to C.S.’s cock-a-doodle-dooooooo song. I then race the fur babies to my door hoping to get there first so I can actually open the door standing in front of it, not reaching so far I almost fall over because they are lined up like soldiers in front. Unfotunatly, 99.9% of the time, I don’t make it. I get the door open and they race like wild beast down the stairs, around the corner (one or two always slides on the wood floor leaving scratch marks), knocks over a cat or two which makes them screech, claws batting at dog faces, which makes the dogs growl and bark at the feline, which means there is now a cat/dog fight in the middle of my living room! Good news, as soon as I catch up to everyone and they see me, the claws are put away, the growling stops and ALL of them are now racing for the back door! Again, I have to stretch my body like a rubber band and reach for the handle to let the circus clowns out! I open the door and 5 furry bodies are shoving, pushing, growling, screeching, racing to the only tree in their area…3 dogs are watering it, 2 cats are climbing it, and I’m slamming the door shut so I can have 40 seconds of peace!
Yep, thats how I get the old blood pumping in the morning!
So, I’m standing at the back door waiting for Chaddie so we can leave for church. I’m doing my best mother impression by saying things like. “Are you ready? Can we please go? Where are you!! What’s taking you so long? Hello? Come on, we’re late…AGAIN!!”
As I’m going through every frustrated mother saying I’ve ever heard (along with a few of my own I made up), the back door flings open! The cold wind blows through the open door letting in swirling Fall leaves along with a dirt devil! I’m a bit startled so I don’t move. After the small tornado of leaves, twigs, feathers, dust and wind settles, I see a small, menacing black silhouette standing at the threshold. I shiver from the coolness that barreled it’s way inside and squint at whatever is blocking the door. Misty Blue runs past the thing, sprints between my legs startling me even more! I call out to my hero husband to come save me from the thing in the doorway! Chad comes running, throws himself between his true love and the danger that is sure to come to her if he doesn’t intervene!
He stands in front of me with his arms out like a mother does when a tiger is about to pounce upon her young! There we stood, him in a protective stance, me cowering behind his back…and what do we see? Remi! The stupid pig pushed the door open, complete with snout snot marks, and was standing there waiting for somebody to come feed her!
Chad turned and looked at me with a ‘are you serious? You screamed for protection from HER??!!’ look! I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well, it could’ve been something really, really bad! How was I to know it was just YOUR pig!!”
Okay, I’m not kidding…I had a few things to get out of the Jeep so I had the back door open leaning all the way in gathering things. I have an arm load of stuff when I feel a bump on the back of my legs. Its Sugar Baby the goat trying to push past me to jump inside. I shove him away from me determined not to let him pounce all over my breakable items I’m trying to get out! Well, he won’t move because the turkey strutted over to remind the goat that she doesn’t like him…at all, as a matter of fact, she’s despises him, he is not welcomed on her farm! So the goat is pressed up against my legs trying to get away from the angry turkey who is fluffed up 3 times her normal size to look big and mean, pecking at him…but he can’t go anywhere because all the commotion made Biscuit (who Sugar Baby is afraid of), come galloping over to see what the heck is going on! Now I’M stuck! I have Sugar Baby plastered to my legs, an angry turkey to the right of the door squawking at a frightened goat, and over excited Pitbull to the left of the door acting like a Mexican jumping bean! Really? The more I move to get away from the farm drama, the closer they come to me! Finally, I had had enough so I barreled my way past them all yelling out my famous crazy farmer lady yodel, while waving my arms with a couple of plastic bags! I safely made it to the porch, turned around and by george, they were still at it! But now the goat was inside my Jeep on the back seat watching the other two still squawking and jumping.
I rolled my eyes, turned to go inside the house only to practically trip over Remi, the not so mini pig! She was hungry, reminding me that it’s been almost a full 20 minutes since her last meal, which wasn’t hers to begin with…it was the chickens scratch grain that she vacuumed up before they could get any! Only me.
Mornings…so peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable…not!
I sit on my comfy chair, get my devotion books ready to read as I sip my steaming cup of coffee flavored with caramel chocolate! Biscuit jumps up to join me, lays down for his morning nap, followed by Chippie who snuggles under my red puppy dog robe. Within minutes Misty Blue joins us and stretches across my legs. I do a little shifting and readjust my now over heating body, pick up my book and start to read. Within 10 seconds, the kitten comes out of nowhere and lands on Misty Blue who has not accepted him yet. She jumps, arches her back and does her best holloween black cat impression, which of course wakes up the Pit who sits up with a start, that disturbs Chippie who is now growling at Biscuit who is trying to stay out of reach of his tiny fangs. The cats are having a stand off on my legs and one of the dogs is growling, snapping, growling. I yell at everyone to “GET OFF OF ME”! They all look up at me a with the expression of ‘what’s her problem’! Misty jumps off and runs out of the room with the kitten who just wants to be friends following her, Chippie is in full blown chippie-tude and poor Biscuit is doing the boxer who is trying-to-avoid-being-hit maneuvers! I on the other hand, am wiping coffee off my book and thinking not very nice thoughts towards 4 animals!
I forgot what it was like to have a tiny kitty cat in the house. Now I remember why I erased all kitten memories!
My life with Bitty Boy.
I get up way too early, cautiously go down the stairs trying not to trip over my excited, ‘gotta go potty NOW’ dogs, and avoid looking out the windows because after all these years, it still freaks me out to see a llama, donkey, or a goat staring at me as I grudgingly fight to get out of my half dreaming sleep walk. I let the ‘scared of kittens’ Pitbull, and growling chihuahua out the back door as Bitty Boy screams out his meow from the bathroom to be let out NOW! I open the powder room door, quickly step to the side so he can shoot out like a bullet. Most days, he slides into Misty Blue who still refuses to accept him. She has been camping in front of the bathroom door doing her ‘I ain’t happy he’s here…he needs to leave NOW’ warnings. As soon as the scary sounds of cats screeching stop, Bitty Boy looks for Biscuit the 95 lb Pit that he can control with a glance, the slight movement of a paw, or a swish of the tail! After the Pit jumps up on the couch like a little old lady who just spotted a mouse to get away from 6 ounces of whispy whiskers, Bitty Boy will proudly walk away knowing that he rules and the dogs drool in fright! He is now looking for dust bunnies, scraps of paper, pen lids, Misty Blues old cat toys…anything he can bat around and pounce upon like the mighty lion that he is in his heart. He then switches gears and concours all the mountains like my lazyboy chair, couches, curtains, tables…anything he can sink his tiny claws into and climb up as I run to him yelling the one word that every cat in the world ignores…”NO”!!
He looks at me with his famous ‘I rule, humans drool’ look and scampers under anything that is less than 2″ tall so I can’t reach him. After I scold him while kneeling on the floor staring at glowing eyes under the couch (as Biscuit trembles in fear behind me), he will sneak out from behind, then wait for me to sit. As soon as I get settled in my chair to do devotions and go through my pics from the day before, Bitty Boy is planning his next move of attack. He starts with chasing poor Biscuit off the lounge chair who was peacefully sleeping next to me, then goes for the pages of my book, the cord on the computer, pawing at the images on the screen, then it’s my hair…fingers…robe tie…loose strings…minion eyes on my slippers…dust floating down…a fly buzzing past…imaginary monsters!! He jumps, circles around, meows, claws, climbs, purrs, attacks! He falls asleep on a dime, wakes up with a start, and he’s off and running again. It’s like having a toddler again! He’s into everything, ignores all commands, gives the phrase ‘terrible twos’ a new meaning, then in 1.3 seconds, he’s acting all sweet and innocent again, looking up at me with those adorable kitten eyes! I pick up my now purring baby, kiss his soft furry head, forgetting that my book now has permenant cat teeth imprints or holes, my robe is unraveling in 50 different new spots, the dog is shaking in fear under the covers, my slipper is missing an eye, my computer cord needs to be replaced, and my chair now looks like a shaggy dog that needs a new home.
And that’s just in one hour!! I still have all day with this ball of non stop fur!