As most of you know, we have a nice room that is on Airbnb (bed & breakfast). We have an older couple staying with us all weekend from N. Carolina. They aren’t exactly animal people and have no interest meeting the large fur balls in the pasture who have been staring at them like stalkers every time they go outside to eat on the porch. The llamas along with Dunkay, line up at the fence and watch these folks…every move they make, they see it…watching…waiting…hoping they will come over and give them a treat. Heck, it even creeps me out! Any who…I got up this morning and went downstairs to check on my guest. They were standing by the front door, in their jammies, holding plates of food and coffee. They looked a bit ‘startled’. I asked what was wrong. They told me they fixed some eggs and toast went outside to eat, hoping to enjoy the beautiful morning, when Dunkay barreled through the gate and galloped straight towards their plates of food! They sat there frozen to the chairs not sure if they should give up their breakfast to the beast or grab everything and run! They chose the latter! They got up, held the plates high and quickly walked to the front porch. Dunkay knocked over a chair and broke a plate as these two elderly folks tried to get away! After he was done ‘wrecking havoc’ as she put it…he trotted to the front porch where they were trying to eat and demanded all the food…NOW! They ran back into the house, stood at the door, staring at it in disbelief. That’s where I came in. I assured them that he really is harmless, and coaxed them back to the kitchen. I tried to make a joke out of it, but they didn’t think it was funny. They just looked at me with a blank stare! I went outside looking for Mr Pain In the Butt. He was already back in the barn harassing the chickens. I swept up the shattered plate, picked up the chair and scolded Dunkay as he stood inside the barn with his head peeking around the corner cause he knows better! I don’t think these folks will be back.
My morning routine…
I wake up to the annoying sound of C.S. (short for chicken soup) on purpose, crowing beneath my bedroom window which is loud enough to shake the glass. I go through my list of ways to make chicken casseroles, soup, dinner, lunch, breakfast, desert, snack…you name a food with chicken in it, I’ve already day dreamed about it a 1000 times in the wee hours of the morning! After wishing him bodily harm for a half hour, I get up, gearing myself for the doggie dance. I need to manuver, step over, side step, jump past, and tip toe around 3 dogs who have been doing the ‘jump on and off the bed’ game in rythem to C.S.’s cock-a-doodle-dooooooo song. I then race the fur babies to my door hoping to get there first so I can actually open the door standing in front of it, not reaching so far I almost fall over because they are lined up like soldiers in front. Unfotunatly, 99.9% of the time, I don’t make it. I get the door open and they race like wild beast down the stairs, around the corner (one or two always slides on the wood floor leaving scratch marks), knocks over a cat or two which makes them screech, claws batting at dog faces, which makes the dogs growl and bark at the feline, which means there is now a cat/dog fight in the middle of my living room! Good news, as soon as I catch up to everyone and they see me, the claws are put away, the growling stops and ALL of them are now racing for the back door! Again, I have to stretch my body like a rubber band and reach for the handle to let the circus clowns out! I open the door and 5 furry bodies are shoving, pushing, growling, screeching, racing to the only tree in their area…3 dogs are watering it, 2 cats are climbing it, and I’m slamming the door shut so I can have 40 seconds of peace!
Yep, thats how I get the old blood pumping in the morning!
So, I’m standing at the back door waiting for Chaddie so we can leave for church. I’m doing my best mother impression by saying things like. “Are you ready? Can we please go? Where are you!! What’s taking you so long? Hello? Come on, we’re late…AGAIN!!”
As I’m going through every frustrated mother saying I’ve ever heard (along with a few of my own I made up), the back door flings open! The cold wind blows through the open door letting in swirling Fall leaves along with a dirt devil! I’m a bit startled so I don’t move. After the small tornado of leaves, twigs, feathers, dust and wind settles, I see a small, menacing black silhouette standing at the threshold. I shiver from the coolness that barreled it’s way inside and squint at whatever is blocking the door. Misty Blue runs past the thing, sprints between my legs startling me even more! I call out to my hero husband to come save me from the thing in the doorway! Chad comes running, throws himself between his true love and the danger that is sure to come to her if he doesn’t intervene!
He stands in front of me with his arms out like a mother does when a tiger is about to pounce upon her young! There we stood, him in a protective stance, me cowering behind his back…and what do we see? Remi! The stupid pig pushed the door open, complete with snout snot marks, and was standing there waiting for somebody to come feed her!
Chad turned and looked at me with a ‘are you serious? You screamed for protection from HER??!!’ look! I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well, it could’ve been something really, really bad! How was I to know it was just YOUR pig!!”
Okay, I’m not kidding…I had a few things to get out of the Jeep so I had the back door open leaning all the way in gathering things. I have an arm load of stuff when I feel a bump on the back of my legs. Its Sugar Baby the goat trying to push past me to jump inside. I shove him away from me determined not to let him pounce all over my breakable items I’m trying to get out! Well, he won’t move because the turkey strutted over to remind the goat that she doesn’t like him…at all, as a matter of fact, she’s despises him, he is not welcomed on her farm! So the goat is pressed up against my legs trying to get away from the angry turkey who is fluffed up 3 times her normal size to look big and mean, pecking at him…but he can’t go anywhere because all the commotion made Biscuit (who Sugar Baby is afraid of), come galloping over to see what the heck is going on! Now I’M stuck! I have Sugar Baby plastered to my legs, an angry turkey to the right of the door squawking at a frightened goat, and over excited Pitbull to the left of the door acting like a Mexican jumping bean! Really? The more I move to get away from the farm drama, the closer they come to me! Finally, I had had enough so I barreled my way past them all yelling out my famous crazy farmer lady yodel, while waving my arms with a couple of plastic bags! I safely made it to the porch, turned around and by george, they were still at it! But now the goat was inside my Jeep on the back seat watching the other two still squawking and jumping.
I rolled my eyes, turned to go inside the house only to practically trip over Remi, the not so mini pig! She was hungry, reminding me that it’s been almost a full 20 minutes since her last meal, which wasn’t hers to begin with…it was the chickens scratch grain that she vacuumed up before they could get any! Only me.
Mornings…so peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable…not!
I sit on my comfy chair, get my devotion books ready to read as I sip my steaming cup of coffee flavored with caramel chocolate! Biscuit jumps up to join me, lays down for his morning nap, followed by Chippie who snuggles under my red puppy dog robe. Within minutes Misty Blue joins us and stretches across my legs. I do a little shifting and readjust my now over heating body, pick up my book and start to read. Within 10 seconds, the kitten comes out of nowhere and lands on Misty Blue who has not accepted him yet. She jumps, arches her back and does her best holloween black cat impression, which of course wakes up the Pit who sits up with a start, that disturbs Chippie who is now growling at Biscuit who is trying to stay out of reach of his tiny fangs. The cats are having a stand off on my legs and one of the dogs is growling, snapping, growling. I yell at everyone to “GET OFF OF ME”! They all look up at me a with the expression of ‘what’s her problem’! Misty jumps off and runs out of the room with the kitten who just wants to be friends following her, Chippie is in full blown chippie-tude and poor Biscuit is doing the boxer who is trying-to-avoid-being-hit maneuvers! I on the other hand, am wiping coffee off my book and thinking not very nice thoughts towards 4 animals!
I forgot what it was like to have a tiny kitty cat in the house. Now I remember why I erased all kitten memories!
My life with Bitty Boy.
I get up way too early, cautiously go down the stairs trying not to trip over my excited, ‘gotta go potty NOW’ dogs, and avoid looking out the windows because after all these years, it still freaks me out to see a llama, donkey, or a goat staring at me as I grudgingly fight to get out of my half dreaming sleep walk. I let the ‘scared of kittens’ Pitbull, and growling chihuahua out the back door as Bitty Boy screams out his meow from the bathroom to be let out NOW! I open the powder room door, quickly step to the side so he can shoot out like a bullet. Most days, he slides into Misty Blue who still refuses to accept him. She has been camping in front of the bathroom door doing her ‘I ain’t happy he’s here…he needs to leave NOW’ warnings. As soon as the scary sounds of cats screeching stop, Bitty Boy looks for Biscuit the 95 lb Pit that he can control with a glance, the slight movement of a paw, or a swish of the tail! After the Pit jumps up on the couch like a little old lady who just spotted a mouse to get away from 6 ounces of whispy whiskers, Bitty Boy will proudly walk away knowing that he rules and the dogs drool in fright! He is now looking for dust bunnies, scraps of paper, pen lids, Misty Blues old cat toys…anything he can bat around and pounce upon like the mighty lion that he is in his heart. He then switches gears and concours all the mountains like my lazyboy chair, couches, curtains, tables…anything he can sink his tiny claws into and climb up as I run to him yelling the one word that every cat in the world ignores…”NO”!!
He looks at me with his famous ‘I rule, humans drool’ look and scampers under anything that is less than 2″ tall so I can’t reach him. After I scold him while kneeling on the floor staring at glowing eyes under the couch (as Biscuit trembles in fear behind me), he will sneak out from behind, then wait for me to sit. As soon as I get settled in my chair to do devotions and go through my pics from the day before, Bitty Boy is planning his next move of attack. He starts with chasing poor Biscuit off the lounge chair who was peacefully sleeping next to me, then goes for the pages of my book, the cord on the computer, pawing at the images on the screen, then it’s my hair…fingers…robe tie…loose strings…minion eyes on my slippers…dust floating down…a fly buzzing past…imaginary monsters!! He jumps, circles around, meows, claws, climbs, purrs, attacks! He falls asleep on a dime, wakes up with a start, and he’s off and running again. It’s like having a toddler again! He’s into everything, ignores all commands, gives the phrase ‘terrible twos’ a new meaning, then in 1.3 seconds, he’s acting all sweet and innocent again, looking up at me with those adorable kitten eyes! I pick up my now purring baby, kiss his soft furry head, forgetting that my book now has permenant cat teeth imprints or holes, my robe is unraveling in 50 different new spots, the dog is shaking in fear under the covers, my slipper is missing an eye, my computer cord needs to be replaced, and my chair now looks like a shaggy dog that needs a new home.
And that’s just in one hour!! I still have all day with this ball of non stop fur!
One of our roosters isnt very bright. He is definitely a ‘bird brain’. This particular chicken likes to hang with our newest hens. He tries to rule them but they wont let him, so he kinda hangs back, pushes his chest out, ruffles his feathers and squeaks out a cock-a-doodle-doooo trying to impress. Usually the three hens will look up and give him the ‘dont even think about it’ glare! Well, the other day, chad went outside to let the girls back in their special area. Most times the rooster follows them in hoping for some love and affection. Chad opened the gate, the girls strutted in and the mighty rooster went back and forth in front of the opening, confused about how to get in! He was all upset, running from one end to the other…in front of the wide open gate of course! The girls stood there along with Chad watching this ‘not the brightest bulb in the box’ running in front of the gate trying to get in! The hens looked at each other, Super Farmer looked at them, they up at him, and shook their heads in disbelief as the flustered rooster ran back and forth, back and forth with a path wide open to the other chickens in front of him! After a few minutes of mr ding bat running around dazed and confused, the girls got bored and went back to pecking bugs. Chad shut the gate and went back inside the house, and the rooster…he spent the next hour trying to figure out how to impress the girls on the other side of the fence because he couldn’t get in, which of course didn’t work!
Our kitten who weighs a whopping 6 ounces with the high pitched squeak of a meow, terrifies our Pit! You know, the dog that swore to protect me and the farm when not home. Biscuit chases coyotes off the farm, barks at bumps, screams, yells, bangs and other unnatural sounds in the dead of night! He plants himself between me and people he doesn’t know and gives that pitbull stare. But…when it comes to a hand full of whiskers, he’s off and running! My big bad Pit, cautiously looks around corners in case that kitten is hiding, plotting to attack his paws that are 30 times bigger than its head! Biscuit could be in a deep sleep but as soon as that kitten squeaks, he is off the floor and on my lap! Whenever the kitten yawns out a mighty roar, Biscuit starts to shake in fear, his fur standing on end, eyes darting to and fro searching for the sound! I’m like…’really Biscuit, your scared of a teeny tiny ball of whiskers that could easily fit inside a small duck egg?’ The mighty bottle fed kitten rules the house with an iron paw and a meow that makes scratching the chalkboard sound like music from heaven! Even Misty Blue wont go near him! She too will crouch behind furniture, people, chippie, and do her low kitty cat growl. She watches the kitten with disdain, distrust, as an intrusion! And chippie? He just growls…really…growls? Nooooo, say it ain’t so!
I cant wait to see how they act when he gets bigger and learns how to pounce on heads, swipe at tails, jump onto backs, chase around the house and purr happily in their beds as they stand there in fear, trying to figure out if it’s worth waking him up to get their bed back!
Oh the fun we’re going to have!