Guest being chased by a donkey!

As most of you know, we have a nice room that is on Airbnb (bed & breakfast). We have an older couple staying with us all weekend from N. Carolina. They aren’t exactly animal people and have no interest meeting the large fur balls in the pasture who have been staring at them like stalkers every time they go outside to eat on the porch. The llamas along with Dunkay, line up at the fence and watch these folks…every move they make, they see it…watching…waiting…hoping they will come over and give them a treat. Heck, it even creeps me out! Any who…I got up this morning and went downstairs to check on my guest.  They were standing by the front door, in their jammies, holding plates of food and coffee. They looked a bit ‘startled’. I asked what was wrong.  They told me they fixed some eggs and toast went outside to eat, hoping to enjoy the beautiful morning, when Dunkay barreled through the gate and galloped straight towards their plates of food! They sat there frozen to the chairs not sure if they should give up their breakfast to the beast or grab everything and run! They chose the latter! They got up, held the plates high and quickly walked to the front porch. Dunkay knocked over a chair and broke a plate as these two elderly folks tried to get away!  After he was done ‘wrecking havoc’ as she put it…he trotted to the front porch where they were trying to eat and demanded all the food…NOW! They ran back into the house, stood at the door, staring at it in disbelief.  That’s where I came in. I assured them that he really is harmless,  and coaxed them back to the kitchen.  I tried to make a joke out of it, but they didn’t think it was funny. They just looked at me with a blank stare!  I went outside looking for Mr Pain In the Butt. He was already back in the barn harassing the chickens.  I swept up the shattered plate, picked up the chair and scolded Dunkay as he stood inside the barn with his head peeking around the corner cause he knows better!   I don’t think these folks will be back.

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A normal conversation

A normal Sunday afternoon conversation

Chad: “where’s Biscuit”?
Me: “still outside”
Chad: “well get him in so we can leave”
Me: “I can’t, he won’t come in”
Chad: “why not? Just call him”
Me: “there’s a pig and a goat in the doorway, and he won’t go past them!”
Chad: “well move them!”
Me: “they won’t move! I tried it already!”
Chad: “really? Just push them!”
Me: “Hello, I tried that already, they’re like water, they just come back together and refuse to move!!”
Chad: “fine, I’ll move them so we can leave”
Me: “okay smartie, move them”
Chad goes out and does his farmer yell along with waving arms and stomping his feet. Both animals look up at him, glance at each other, look back at Chad and take a ‘I dare you to touch me’ stance.
Me: “told you! Not as easy as you thought huh smartie pants!”
Chad: “THEY WILL MOVE!!”
Super Farmer rolls up his sleeves, takes a deep breath and starts his mad farmer dance around both animals.
The pig and the goat don’t move except for their heads moving side to side as they watch him do his pow wow dance, whooping his war cry out!
I rolled my eyes, shut the door and called Biscuit to come around to the front where I let him in.

Spooky garage sale!

We were driving down the road when I spotted a big green sign advertising a garage sale (I can spot them 3 miles down the road!), I noticed it’s in the very back behind a memorial buisness that sells tombstones. We kinda pulled in the driveway to take a peek. I hit chad in the arm and demanded that we turn around NOW. I’m not going to a ‘garage sale’ behind tombstones with bright yellow sale stickers that look like smiley faces) plastered on them, pots of half dead flowers lining the drive and a tall spooky looking guy dressed in a worn black suit who could be Lurch’s twin brother from the Adam’s Family standing in front of the opening of a very dark garage complete with cobwebs! He motioned us to come on up holding a dented urn (with a sale tag), wearing a wilted white rose on his lapel. We could see tables filled with creepy items like jars filled with liquid, unusual looking tools, things that I didn’t want to know what they were or what they’re used for! I swear I saw a wooden coffin, the kind you see in old western movies with a ‘todays deal’ sign on it in there. I’m sure if I looked long enough, I would’ve spotted ravens perched in the trees!

The reappearing pig!

I love it when Chad has a ‘Remi moment’! Sometimes I feel like he thinks I make some of this stuff up. He’ll come home and the poor guy isn’t even through the door when I start in on him about HIS animals! I follow him through the house carrying on and on about what they did to me, the yard, the porch, his flower’s, the neighbors trying to walk past. Usually he nods his head in agreement with a glazed look like he’s somewhere else, which I’m sure he is.

Well this morning before he left for work, he came in all frustrated waving his arms talking a mile a minute. This is his story…

‘I went out to feed the goats and chickens and had marshmallows for the goats as a treat. I looked everywhere for that pig, and she was nowhere to be seen. So I dropped a marshmallow in front of Dillon and that stupid pig was right there! One second she was nowhere to be seen, the next she’s grabbing Dillons treat before it hits the ground! I swear, she was not there when I let go of it! She appeared out of thin air BEFORE it hit the ground! How does she do that?! She’s like the butler in Mr Deeds!! I’m not kidding!’

I listened to his Remi tale nodding my head in agreement, secretly howling with laughter inside my head! He stopped, narrowed his eyes at me and demanded to know if I was listening! I replied, “why yes dear, I always listen to you!”

He got frustrated with me because he knew I was enjoying his woe way too much. So he stomped to the back door, peered out and motioned for me to take a look. He said, “see, no pig. Do YOU see her anywhere? I know that as soon as I step outside, she’ll be within inches of me!!”

I loving patted him on the back and reassured him that she’s in the barn now stealing Dunkays food.
He slowly opened the door, stuck his head out, looked both ways then ran to the car. Last I saw, he was running towards his silver HHR with Remi galloping a foot behind him, yelling at her to get the heck away from him as his silk tie flapped behind him!!

I guess she wasn’t in the barn after all! LOL LOL LOL!

Over excited potbelly pig!

This was almost funny. Chad and I got home just after sunset and it wasn’t quite dark yet. He went to fill up the llamas water in front of our garage and I started to take in our groceries. Chad is standing there with the hose, I have 3 sacks of goodies, when he turned to me and said, “what is that thing?” I follow his gaze to the far pasture but I don’t see anything. I replied, “theres nothing out there dear, water your animals.” He answers, “look! in the back field, its running this way…that black thing!” Now I’m almost concerned about his mental state, all I see is weeds, fencing, a few posts, a donkey, a tumbleweed…you know, farm stuff. I turn around to take my now getting heavy sacks into the house, when out of the corner of my eye, I see a black thing barrel it’s way through the gate, run around the car and up to Chad. Its Remi. I didn’t know that a fat little pig could run! Heck she can barely walk she’s so fat! Remi goes up to Chad and starts pushing on his legs, rubbing her pig snout and body all over his pants leaving clumps of piggy snot and bristly hair. He is doing a side step dance holding the hose trying to keep the pig away from his clean work pants. Remi wants her daddy and she wants him NOW! They are going around and around the water bucket. He is pushing her away with his free hand while keeping the hose over the bucket as she grunts, determined to get in a good rub. I laughed out loud and made a funny comment about how the pig loooooooves her daddy!! She heard my voice, looked at me, and by george if that darn pig didn’t start galloping towards me! I said, ” um Chad, your pig is coming at me, make her stop!”. He laughed out loud and made a snooty comment about how Remi just looooves her mommy! She tries to put her dirty snout on me and I find myself doing the farm gal country side step dance with a potbelly! I turned around and RAN with my groceries to the house with an over weight potbelly pig chasing me! I got to the back door and of course it was locked! I’m trapped between the chair and table with a pig coming straight at me as fast as her stubby little legs would go, which by the way, is unbelievably quick! I yelled at Chad to help me as I swung a couple of Kroger plastic bags in front of Remi’s face to keep her from touching me. I could hear my hero laughing as I threatened him with ‘dog house status’ for the next 15 years! I finally got the key to turn and stumbled inside because there was an over excited pitbull trying to go out as I’m trying to get in. I slammed the door and watched through the window at Remi who turned her attention towards poor Dillon the old goat. She ran up to him and put her nose right up to his behind and goosed him which made him jump up and angrily Baaaaaaaaa’d! Last I saw , he was running with the pig a half inch away from his behind to the barn! Chad came to the conclusion that she’s in heat and wants some attention. I for one, will be keeping my distance from an overly excited pig who wants to be loved by anyone at anytime for the next couple of days!

Wake up call!

Nothing like being woke up early in the morning by a screaming alpaca outside my bedroom window! I flung back the curtain (I seem to do that a lot!) to see what the heck he is freaking out about this time, only to find it’s that darn pig waaaaaaaaay out in the back pasture running, waddling, moving, galloping…what ever you want to call it (actually, she looks like a boat being tossed in the sea, back and forth…I’m always expecting her to fall over, little miss webbles, she wobbles but she doesn’t fall down!) coming full speed to the house! Lincoln couldn’t tell if it was friend or foe! So to be on the safe side, he decided it was foe and made sure that me and all the neighbors within 100 miles, knew that something was amiss here on the farm…again.

Perfect morning?

So, someone asked me, “what exactly are you looking for in a ‘normal’ morning?”

I had to think about this because our mornings fall under the categories of ‘frantic, unusual, chaotic, hilarious, unbelievable, twilight zone’. There’s nothing normal about living with llamas on your porch, goats in the house eating the Guinea pig food, a potbelly pig that shows up out of nowhere like the butler in Mr Deeds when you try to feed the chickens, a Donkey that chases his tail, a mini horse that stands in a trance most of the day from over eating, llamas and goats who stare at you through windows and doors, a rooster who, on purpose, screams out his before daybreak, COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO under your bedroom window on purpose, ducks that swim in a green turtle sandbox, a turkey who barks at the neighbors, barn cats that constantly squabble with each other, swirling around the yard in a dust tornado…I could go on and on!

Back to the original question ‘what would my normal morning look like’.

I snuggled into my overstuffed lazyboy chair with my non stop growling 7lbs of fur and teeth, and daydreamed about my perfect morning!

My ‘normal’ morning would look something like this…

I wake up at 9am to song birds, not 5am to an annoying rooster. I roll over to find a steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand with a loving note with little hearts drawn all over it from my hubby, telling me how much he adores me, how lucky he is to have found me…the perfect wife…along with how he got up extra early to do all of the farm chores just so I could relax all day, take pics, go to garage sales, shop until I drop with a $100 bill!! I fling back the covers, stretch and not worry about stepping on a dog, or try to dodge a growling, snapping chihuahua. I take my cup of joe to the sparkling clean porch without weaving my way through a couple of llamas and a too fat, thinks she’s starving to death pig. I sit alone, not with a baby goat trying to lay on my lap, and listen to birds happily chirping out their praises to the One who created them! Not to chickens squabbling with each other over a worm that one of them is running away with. I sip my perfect cup of coffee watching the tree branches sway in the wind, butterflies flutter past…not at llamas having a ‘date’ in my line of vision and everyone else who happens to drive past the funny farm.

Yep, that about sums it up. I shook my head out of this fantasy dream just in time to watch Sweetie the llama gallop past the window with Dunkay close behind as Lincoln our alpaca stood at the fence screaming out his war cry at the poor guy who, after all these years, is still brave enough to walk his two fluff balls in the matching purple sweaters, past our farm as our turkey barks at them.

My not so fun morning

Okay, this was embarrassing. Chad called me this morning after he left for work, asking me to please check on Sugar Baby because he had jumped on the electric gate motor box next to the fence, baaaaaaa’ing at Chad on the other side when he saw him bringing up the trash can and checking the mail. Chad told him to get down, then hurried up to get in the car before he jumped over to him. Super Farmer drove away and called ME to go outside to make sure the goat hadn’t jumped over the fence to follow daddy down the road! Its early morning! The only ones up around here are me, chad, a baby goat and C.S. (short for chicken soup) the annoying, never shuts up rooster! I fling open the curtain, squint my sleepy eyes to see if theres any movement by the gate, and yep…sure enough, theres a goat on the metal silver box with his feet on top of the fence post, baaaaaaaa’ing towards the road! Nancy has to run downstairs, go outside to keep an about to jump over the fence, brown and white spotted baby goat, from chasing a silver HHR down a busy road. Now, did I just burst through the front door and run to him? Heck no! I’m in my pink summer jammies with my fuzzy kitty slippers. I’ve chased animals before in the front yard in my jammies and I think theres a video out there posted of a crazy farm lady in a red puppy dog robe chasing a llama with her arms outstretched yelling! I’m not giving my neighbors or a passerby the opportunity to film me yelling at a goat on top of box in hot pink PJ’s! So, sneaky me hides behind the front porch wood piller, and call to the goat who is still crying for his daddy! He looks at me for a split second, then looks back towards the road and starts up his wailing again. Now, I have to go to the dingbat! I check to see if theres any cars coming, and slowly step towards the animal who is determined to embarrass me. I get half way to the goat when not one, but two work trucks come down the road. So, I have a choice to make…I can casually act like I always walk around outside in cute, hot pink, summer Pj’s or run to the nearest bush to hide. I ran. After both trucks passed, I cautiously made my way to the non stop crying goat keeping an eye out for cars. I got to my now, not-my-favirite-animal, yelling at him to get down from there this instance, wagging my finger in his face. He baaaaaa’d, I scolded. After what seemed like an hour, he jumped down and strutted towards the back yard as I loudly told him, “no treats for you young man!!” I turned around to go back inside when a couple of guys in their yellow and black biking outfits pedaled past and waved. I slapped my hand to my forehead because I forgot that I was in a wide open area in my nightie and kitty cat slippers threatening a cute baby goat! I saw a couple of cars coming but I didn’t care anymore, I’m sure someone is downloading a video of a crazy farm lady in cute, hot pink jammies with gray fuzzy cat slippers, scolding an adorable, innocent baby goat at this very moment!

Can I ever have a normal morning????