As most of you know, we have a nice room that is on Airbnb (bed & breakfast). We have an older couple staying with us all weekend from N. Carolina. They aren’t exactly animal people and have no interest meeting the large fur balls in the pasture who have been staring at them like stalkers every time they go outside to eat on the porch. The llamas along with Dunkay, line up at the fence and watch these folks…every move they make, they see it…watching…waiting…hoping they will come over and give them a treat. Heck, it even creeps me out! Any who…I got up this morning and went downstairs to check on my guest. They were standing by the front door, in their jammies, holding plates of food and coffee. They looked a bit ‘startled’. I asked what was wrong. They told me they fixed some eggs and toast went outside to eat, hoping to enjoy the beautiful morning, when Dunkay barreled through the gate and galloped straight towards their plates of food! They sat there frozen to the chairs not sure if they should give up their breakfast to the beast or grab everything and run! They chose the latter! They got up, held the plates high and quickly walked to the front porch. Dunkay knocked over a chair and broke a plate as these two elderly folks tried to get away! After he was done ‘wrecking havoc’ as she put it…he trotted to the front porch where they were trying to eat and demanded all the food…NOW! They ran back into the house, stood at the door, staring at it in disbelief. That’s where I came in. I assured them that he really is harmless, and coaxed them back to the kitchen. I tried to make a joke out of it, but they didn’t think it was funny. They just looked at me with a blank stare! I went outside looking for Mr Pain In the Butt. He was already back in the barn harassing the chickens. I swept up the shattered plate, picked up the chair and scolded Dunkay as he stood inside the barn with his head peeking around the corner cause he knows better! I don’t think these folks will be back.
Not only is this embrassing but it is so us!
We were going down 150N when we noticed a garage sale about 4 blocks from the farm in one of the subdivisions. Of course we drove past with our normal banter of…
‘There’s a garage sale!’
I saw it
Well don’t you want to go?
The garage sale we just drove past!!
There’s a sale?
Just turn around so we can go (slaps arm)’
So we turned around in the hardest driveway there is and headed back.
We passed it.
Another slap to his arm and he finds the second most difficult driveway to back out of, and away we go!
The banter continues and what does HE do? Yep…passed it!
We went up and down a 3 block stretch of road 4 times!!!
I’m sure if there were folks sitting on their porch, they called everyone they knew saying things like, ‘yep those wacky llama farmers are at it again! They’re lost on their own road! Heck I can see their farm from here!
And those llamas of theirs are upset cause they can see them driving around!! ‘
The delivery guy from Christo’s came up to the front door to drop off a blessing of creamy vegetable soup and cheesecake from someone. When I opened the door, he was acting a bit nervous.
He said he thought the llamas were mad that he was there because they were all lined up at the gate staring at him as he entered and walked past them. Yep, they were and so were BOB and Remi who I’m sure smelled the food before he even got out of the car. Apparently, he has never seen a real llama up close in a yard chilling.
As soon as I started to talk in my obviously sick voice and sounding like an alien from Mars, his eyes got wide, took a step back, handing me the sack in horror! I told him not to worry, I don’t have COVID-19, just Strep Throat (like identifying the highly contagious, painful virus would make him feel better?!).
I continued to carefully tell him not to worry about the llamas, they’re just curious about him, wondering if he has food for them.
Well, the poor guy had food and he’s trying to back away from me AND keep an eye on those llamas at the same time! I think I saw him do the sign of the Cross before he ran, not walked, RAN out the gate and sped down the driveway!
We can now add Christo’s to our long list of delivery people who play the rock-scissors-paper game to see who gets to walk up to our front door and hopefully live to tell about it when our address pops up on the screen! So much fun watching usually confident delivery folks come undone at the sight of guard llamas!!
Postscript. Turns out today was a twofer as the Amazon delivery guy got halfway in the yard and heard my raspy voice from the doorway, observed the llamas then bolted in like fashion. 😁
Fun with mother
I was relaxing on my back porch swing counting how many times those goats can baaaaaa in 30 seconds, which is surprisingly a lot (I lost count at 326). The sedating effect of goats calls, while keeping my feet under the swing so the casually strolling llamas wouldn’t step on them, started a vivid daydream.
I started envisioning my never ending list of chores for Super Farmer when my phone rudely startled me out of my personal twilight zone. It was mother! Mother locked her keys in the car at Krogers and needed me to rescue her. Goodbye relaxing afternoon with the non stop bleating of goats who think they’re starving 24/7.
I found mother at the Kroger exit leaning on her cart frantically waving at me to make sure I saw her. Of course, the 6 cars behind me noticed her waving and each one stopped to ask her if she needed help. Also, every person who walked out of the store politely asked her if she needed assistance.
I could hear her loudly say, “no thank you, my baby is here to help me…that’s her over there in the blue jeep with flower stickers…she’s Addie Acres! Have you heard of her? She takes pics and every news station in America puts them on! Yes, thats my baby! Oh look she’s turning around! Everyone wave!! I pull up next to mother and pull up my mask to hide as mother now has a small crowd around her waving at me!
I get mother into the Jeep only to hear a 10 minute story about how she thought she lost her keys and searched the store, talking to clerks, managers, shoppers and a watermelon or two! She finally found them on her front seat safely locked in. So off we go to her house located on the other side of town.
On the way, she asked if we could please stop at Walgreens to pick up the one magazine that she absolutely must have…she couldn’t find it at Krogers. So me, being the good baby, I mean daughter I am, stopped at the family friendly drugstore to search high and low for mother’s Closer magazine. I found it within 5.8 seconds! I was so proud of myself!! I got back into the Jeep handed mother her must-have-cannot- live-without mag only to hear …”this is last week’s! I read this one! Take it back!”
Whaaaat?! I started to protest that it has this week’s date on it when she narrowed her eyes at me and said, “fine! I will take it back! I read this one!” I took a deep breath, got out of my Jeep, walked around to the other side and got mother out so she could protest to the clerk that they are selling last weeks magazine!!
Mother got her money back, the clerk got a lecture, I got embrassessed again and we slowly walked back to the Jeep with complaining that the place was selling last week’s magazine and now she has nothing to read!
And, so it goes…fun with mother today!
You know you live a strange life when you go out early in the morning to feed goats and have to push llamas away from the back door that are staring at you through the window! Because I had a full cup of the tasty goat grain in my hand (hidden under my red puppy dog robe to fake them out) they followed me to the goat pen, stood behind me watching me dump the yummy nummies to the little baaaaaing mouths. They stampede back onto the porch before I could even turn around, hoping to be the first one in line to follow me inside the house!
I had to squeeze past 3 llamas, one alpaca, and a rooster, who by the way never, ever shuts up, that were crammed in one tiny area by the door to get in. After pushing smelly fur bodies, yelling out my famous unnatural crazy farm lady yodal to scare the dingbats off my porch (which never works), I made it back inside along with a cat I didn’t know was out there. I quickly turned around inside my house as 4 large animals were trying to stick their heads inside, and loudly told them “Sorry! NO llamas in the house today! Now go in the yard and eat, play, gallop, anything but hang on my porch!”
I smiled as I closed my door in victory, then thought to myself…’who in the heck besides me scold llamas telling them they can’t come inside the house today??!!’
Really Nancy? Think about this for a moment. Not only do I have llamas hanging out on both porches, stare at me through open doors and windows, but they come inside the house to eat! Normal folks let their dogs and cats come inside their house to munch…me…I open the door to let 3 llamas and an alpaca line up to take turns coming inside to eat sweet goat grain that doesn’t belong to them!
Good morning world! My day begins!
Who needs a pitbull when there’s a llama or two, or three hanging around? The delivery guy was here today to drop off a package on my front porch. He must have been new because he came right through the gate and casually strolled up to the front porch with his box of goodies. He acted Iike he didn’t have a care in the world as I was watched from the window since I was still wearing my red puppy dog robe.
He put my box on the porch, stood up and stretched (must have been a long day), turned around only to find 3 llamas 5 feet away from him staring at the box they thought he may have hidden tasty goat grain in! The poor guy, he backed up, they inched forward. It looked like he waved at them, mouthing words that probably sounded like…’good boy, nice llama, stay…niiiiiiice llama!’
He stepped off the side of the porch never turning his back to the dingbats and slowly walked to the gate (backwards) with his hands stretched towards the persistent herd who now lost interest in the box because they figured the sweet grain was somewhere on his person!
He got to the gate the same time those llamas did. Mr. Delivery Man fumbled with the latch as Sweetie stuck her nose in his pocket, Sammie sniffed his head and Lincoln decided to scream out his war cry because a black bird flew past. This really freaked the poor guy out!
I’m sure just like the UPS, Prime, USPS, and FedEx delivery people, he will do the ‘rock-paper-sissors’ game with his fellow drivers to see who drops off the next package at our farm when our address pops up on the router screen!!
Man I love this place! So much fun!! 🙃🐐🐓🦃
So, somebody suggested that we get an elevator for our barn to help put our hay high up on the loft. I thought it was a great idea until Dunkay’s smirking face came racing into my mind. I thought, do I really want an eIevator that Dunkay could get into and ride up and down in?
This is what I think would happen if we installed freight elevator in our barn next to the delicious bales of hay.
A semi pulls into our back pasture, next to the barn, perking up galloping animals large and small hoping that such a large truck is carrying bales of hay mixed with alfalfa to gorge on all winter. They watch with curiosity, mumbling amongst themselves. The workers unwrap a large metal elevator that you can fit 50 bales or perhaps two llamas, a small horse and a couple of goats…or one naughty donkey.
The llamas quickly lose interest, walking away in disappointment. The mini tank, aka Laci the mini-horse is distracted by a patch of clover to eat and the goats move on to play leap frog, because that’s what they do. Remi, needing instant food gratification always, lost interest and waddled back to the mud puddle to sit in.
And Dunkay? Well, he stands there mesmerized staring at this new contraption that will surely bring him hours of non stop fun! He studies the workers all day, slyly nodding at them as they passed. I’m sure they were a bit nervous passing a donkey that gave out an evil snort as they walked felt him eyeing them up and down.
After a full day’s work, the young workers packed up their tools, made a wide half circle past the still snorting donkey so they wouldn’t accidentally touch him!
Of course, Super Farmer and I couldn’t help but play with the new elevator, going up and down like a couple of first graders. We gathered the animals for our daily daze-inducing lecture. We especially pointed our finger at Dunkay with strict orders not to come near the elevator…do not look at it, touch it, smell it, and never, ever get on it!
Unfortunately, Dunkay is smarter than the average bear (um, donkey) and watched those workers so he could learn how to make his new toy go up to the forbidden food that us humans won’t let him feast on!
Within 4.8 seconds of leaving the barn, we heard the motor of that elevator start up. We ran back into the barn to find Dunkay on top of the hay loft with his head buried deep inside a bale of pure alfalfa!
Of course, we can’t get the elevator down as Dunkay swirled a piece of hay bale twine around the controls, so Super Farmer had to climb up the ladder and scold the donkey who stared disinterested at him while proceeding to chew.
For ten minutes Super Farmer stomped, nudged, and pointed his finger in Dunkay’s face as the smarter than an average bear donkey chewed away, nodding his head in mocking shame.
Fortunately for Dunkay, when Super Farmer had had enough, he landed in a large pile of freshly tossed hay at the bottom of the hay mow after an “oops” shove by Super Farmer. He stood up, undeterred, and walked to the elevator shift knowing that the new contraption had to come down again sometime and that he certainly had more donkey willpower than an old graying farmer.
Fun with mother
So, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day. I took mother everywhere. We went here, there, and everywhere! It wasn’t too bad, I only lost her one time…in Walgreens. And what does Walgreens have that no other store has? Huge mirrors so you can see down every aisle with clarity.
So, Nancy stood in the middle of the store (yes that’s me in the pic) and searched for mother. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with an easy, full proof, cant lose plan on finding her. And did I see her? No! Did I go up and down the middle aisle looking up like Henny Penny waiting for the sky to fall? Yes! Was she anywhere in sight? No! I mean, how can I lose a little old lady who walks slower than a snail in a small square store with huge mirrors so you can spy on everyone?!
Apparently, its pretty darn easy, because the woman was gone! Vanished just like that…poof! So I walked the aisles, peaked around corners, looked under the shelves (you never know), checked behind the mops, Kilroyed over the counters, glanced by the greeting cards (mother loves to read every card) and then it hit me! I bet she’s at the pharmacy counter checking on the latest, the best, the most fast acting drug out there!
I was right, she was asking the nice lady behind the counter questions about what drug does what for certain body parts and their possible effects! A big display was hiding her, so I couldn’t see her in the mirrors. I gently took mother by the arm to lead her away from the bewildered pharmacists relieving them of mother’s non stop questions.
On the way out, mother pointed to the big mirrors on the walls commenting how if I ever can’t find her, just look up!
I rolled my eyes and screamed a silent internal Charlie Brown “aaarrrggghhhh”! 👵
Okay, this was embarassing!
Chippie is outside barking like the big bad chihuahua that he is with his tiny teeth snapping away this morning, so I open the door to see what kind of bug did he find now? A ferocious grasshopper? A fluttering butterfly? A cicada? What could it be?!
I mistakenly opened the front door and Biscuit ran out like a bat out of hades! There was a poor Amazon Prime delivery man walking back to our gate. Biscuit ran up to the guy for a kiss as Chippie the ferocious 7lb pounds of shaking fur circled him showing him his shiny white teeth.
I had to go OUTSIDE in my red puppy dog robe with bedhead, wearing my granny glasses because I hadn’t put my contacts in yet and tell him that they are typical males, all talk and no action! Biscuit wants to kiss, and Chippie wants to pretend like he’s a Pitbull!
So…Nancy looking like the thing from the Black Lagoon yelling at her wild beasts as the young nice man stands there trying to be polite as he dodges kisses from Biscuit while side stepping Chippie’s teeth!
I bet from now on, when he sees our address on his sheet, he’ll automatically hand it over to someone else who will see our name and shake their head saying, “no way, I’ve been there when that tiny snapping dog was outside” as he hands the sheet to the new guy who looks and says, “what are you nuts? I’ve heard about this farm! They have a donkey that eats your shoes if it’s out!”
Okay, honestly now, how many of you wives, girlfriends, significant others, enjoy being a backseat driver? It is a favorite past time of mine! I can’t wait to get in the Jeep when Chad is driving and plan out his course with lots, and lots, and lots of friendly advice on how to, and how NOT to drive!
We get in the Jeep, buckle up! I look at him, smile, wring my hands in anticipation while giving out a sinister giggle. He avoids eye contact and starts to nervously sweat, checking and re-checking his seat belt, all mirrors, turns on the Google map, then prays that he does nothing wrong before we get out of the driveway!
Woo hoo, let the fun begin! No matter which way he turns out of our driveway, it’s the wrong way. If he puts on the brakes waaaaay before the stop sign, I accuse him of driving like the old man that he is! If he applies the brakes just before the stop sign, I gleefully hit his arm scolding him for riding my brakes to hard!
The whole trip is “Not this way! Why did you go down this road? Stop here, oh great, now you’re too far out in the middle of the intersection…back it up! Why are you backing up??!! Your gonna hit someone! There is such a thing called a turn signal you know…so use it! Are you mumbling under your breath at me again? Slow down there’s a rabbit in the middle of the field, he might be thinking about hopping our way! Man, you drive slow! Why are we here? Shouldn’t we be in the other parking lot?! Quick, I see an old man headed for that car in the first parking spot, I’m sure it’s not handicapped! Oh my gosh Chad, why are you following that elderly gentleman? You want us to be thought of as creepers or harrassers of old folks?’ THEN, I take a breath, and c-o-n-t-i-n-u-e!
Yep, thats how WE roll!!
Well, it was a M.M. (mother marathon) day.
I had isaac our grandson with us so it was an extra long, and more interesting time. Mother only had 3 places to go instead of her usual 545.5 places, so it only took us 5 hours instead of 200.
Although It did start out kind of bizarre because she lost her pocket. Yep, thats right…her pants pocket. How does one lose a pocket in the Jeep when it was there when she put the pants on???
We were stopped at a red light when mother suddenly noticed that her left pants pocket wasn’t there anymore! I’m like, ‘mom, you don’t just lose a pants pocket!’ But mother insisted that the pocket that she had her cards in, on the left side of her pants was now gone!
So I’m helping her dig around her pants at the stop light arguing about how you can not lose a pants pocket…”oh yes you can because its not there anymore”….”you just have to wait until we get out to see your pants better”…”I don’t have to get out, its not there”..”it is there”…”its not there!!”
She’s un-buttoning her pants, I’m telling her to wait, the light changes to green but I don’t notice, cars are honking, Isaac has his hand shielding his eyes so he doesn’t see anything he shouldn’t, I’m tring to turn onto Lincolnway, the cars are now speeding past me as the drivers shake their fist at me, mother rolls down the window to yell at them about how dare they get mad her baby, and I’m begging God to please just let the woman find her pocket!!
We stop another light and mother is still squirming around trying to find her pocket! I refuse to look at her or tell her that it’s impossible to lose a pants pocket when she joyfully yells, “Oh here it is honey! Right where its suppose to be and all my cards are still in there! And why are these cars honking at my baby?! I’ll give them a piece of my mind, so drive faster to catch up!”
Yep, that was the start of my M.M. day! I’m happy to say I only lost her 8 times in Walmart instead of my usual 19 and we got out of there without her shaking her cane at anyone!