All posts by Addie Funny Farm

About Addie Funny Farm

Addie Acres is located in the middle of corn fields with woods outlining the edges. There is a big metal barn that is home to 4 Llamas', 1 Alpaca, 2 mini horses that are so fat it's hard to call them 'mini', 1 donkey that thinks he's a dog, 2 ding bat goat's that never, ever shut up, too many hens, 4 roosters that have their days and nights mixed up, 5 barn kitties that watch the mice instead of chasing them and 4 spotted bunnies that have escaped their pens and are now helping the rabbit population go from basic brown to black and white mixed with butterscotch. My animals rule, control and play tricks on the humans that live a few feet away! Addie Acres has become the 'Funny Farm'! I've been jotting down our experience with the animals for awhile now and have decided to put all my stories in one place. Who knows, maybe someone else can find humor as they shake their head in agreement. Only us FARMERS really knows what goes on inside the "Barn"! Enjoy my journey as I try to control the animals that rule me!

Bored Hubby

Does anyone else have a hubby who is driving them nuts with this stay at home, don’t leave, must be together 24/7 lock down in your house? Well, mine is driving me to the point where I’m day dreaming of the days of being single, young, free, alone! This is a typical day for me with my at home, constantly with me, boring husband (he says he must work…where’s the fun?!).

I’m dusting the house from the non stop floating cat and dog hair mixed with a few strands of pig, llama, donkey, horse fur and an occasional feather. So…I have my Pledge sheets, that promise to automatically draw all dust to the cloth before even touching the table, dusting away when Chad comes up, stands 2″ away from me and asks me what I’m doing. Really?!

I stop, look at him and hold up my now covered in hair, fur, feathers, dead stink bugs, string, and tiny scary black things with teeny teeth snapping at me, and say, “what’s it look like?” He grumbles walks away and I switch to cleaning mirrors with windex and my last roll of quicker picker upper, when Mr. Bored comes up and asks what I’m doing. Really, again?

I’m like, ‘uh, Khakis’, he was not amused and stomped away.
I then turn to mopping my floors when you know who walks up, looks over my shoulder after he just left barefoot prints on my still wet not so clean anymore floors and asks what I’m doing. At this point I’ve had it. I quickly turn on my heel to face him, thrust my mop into his hands and say, “I’m watching you mop my floors!”

At which point, he grins and, with his best ‘microphone drop’ expression, lets go of the mop and as it falls to the floor states, “back to work I go”, disappearing behind his now mocking computer screen.

Bird brain rooster!

Unfortunately, we don’t have the brightest chickens in the land of Addie Oz. As I did my bird dance, complete with flapping arms next to my feathered friends, I chased loose chickens back towards the back barn and into their outside pen. Once the Chicken Dance was complete, I assumed all were back where they belonged.

Then, as I turned around to sing my llama song to the dingbats that were watching me ‘do my thing’ with 3 roosters and 6 squawking hens, I saw out of the corner of my eye a loose rooster running back and forth along the fence trying to find a way in to join his fellow bird brains.
I knew I chased all of them, so I wasn’t sure how I missed one. I opened the gate, chased him in with the others, closed it and made sure it was latched.

Again, i turned around to finish my famous, one of a kind, llama song to my now one and only dingbat left standing there hoping for a better show (and he’s an alpaca!). I took a deep breath, opened my mouth to let the melody flow out when, again, I saw that dang rooster on the outside strutting back and forth like an expectant father in the waiting room! I held up one finger to Lincoln and said, “I’ll be right back” and turned to get Mr Annoyance back with the flock. I chase him in, he runs to the other chickens, they squawk…flap…peck…
normal things that bird brains do. I turn to Lincoln who is being a good boy by waiting for me to finish amusing him when yep…that rooster is out!

Now I’m getting annoyed…and curious. I chase, latch and step back to watch. That rooster went straight to an opening between the fence and gate, just big enough for him to squeeze through. He gets out…looks around, realized he’s not with the hens then proceeds to run back and forth along the fence upset that he’s not inside. I’m like…really?! I put you in, you squeeze out within 3.6 seconds then get upset that you’re out!

Yup, he is looking mighty tasty right about now.

Workers meet Remi

Okay, this made me chuckle. We have a couple young guys working outside around our house today, setting up some things for us. They got to meet the dingbats and heard all the good things about each of our beloved fur babies…except for ‘that creature’ named Remi, the potbelly from the underworld! We told them to just stay away from her because 99.9% of the time she is in a grumpy mood.

Well, they’re working away out there and need to work on the corner of our garage to mount a camera facing the barn so we can keep an eye out for coyotes. One of the young whippersnappers came up and asked me if it was safe for him to get inside that fence without the pig coming near him?

Unfortunately, my warped sense of humor took over and I responded by saying, “Of course, just dont go near her, do not touch her, don’t act like you might touch her, do your social distance of 6 feet from her at all times, do not, I repeat, do not, eat in front of her, and whatever you do…DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!”

The poor guy stood in front of me looking mortified, softly asked, “really?” I had to be nice and respond by saying I was kidding
…mostly.

So I watched him walk to the gate, look all around to see where the pig was, cautiously open the gate, go in, walk to his spot where he needs to mount the camera and who comes waddling out of the barn towards him as fast as her stubby little legs can? Yep, you guessed it, Remi!! She made a bee line to him!

He stopped, looked at the pig who was now standing a few feet away from him giving him the ‘feed me now or die’ glare and called the other guy over to help him with his now porker problem. The other worker walks to the gate, looks at the pig (who is now snorting in anger because there is no food being thrown towards her) and says, “no way dude, I’m not going in there!”

I finally went out with some grain and got ‘miss-pain-in-the-butt back to the barn so the kid could keep working. I told him that I would bring Dunkay out to stand guard over him. He was okay with having a donkey near by.

I just looked out the window to see Dunkay trying to get his nose inside the young man’s pockets for a possible hidden treat! Hmmm, I probably should have given a heads up about that one too.

Heading food

Yep, this coronavirus scare has spread to the barn! The animals have taken sides, formed new social circles and are hoarding the hay…scratch grain… sweet grain…the barn kitty’s food…the flock block…and tiny patches of grass trying to sprout in certain areas.

The llamas have taken over the back part of the barn where most of the hay is stored. They are also protecting the back pasture. Violet is in the pen keeping an eye on things…such as chickens trying to sneak in through a hole in the gate, and always watching for the biggest thief of them all…Remi!

That pig is more round than she is tall, but she is like Mr Deed’s butler…’sneaky, sneaky’! You can be standing in the middle of a wide open pasture with no trees, buildings, bushes, animals…nothing but grass and wind…and suddenly you see out of the corner of your eye, a fat round black thing 2 inches away from you staring up with beady red eyes and a demanding foaming mouth. ‘Poof’ and there she is! So, Violet has to be on a constant high alert for the appearing and disappearing pig that can eat up everyone’s stash within 7.9 seconds.

Sweetie is guarding the outside barn door making sure only Sammie and Lincoln get in…which is silly because she should know by now that Dunkay and Laci (who doesn’t move around anyway) is not, nor will ever be a llama. Sammie and Lincoln are on ‘hunt for food’ duty. They search the pasture for grass and then stand at the patch screaming out their war cry cackle so every animal within 10 miles knows and understands that this grass belongs to them only!

Dunkay and Laci have taken over the front part of the barn where they can keep a watchful eye on the scratch grain. Unfortunately, not a lot of grass has the chance to start growing because of Laci’s grass radar. It knockes her out of her coma so she can gallop (the only time the horse ever runs!) to the new patch of green blades (I swear I can hear that grass screaming in fear) so she can slip into a new coma forgetting about life’s problems.

The horse and donkey do have the same Remi problem that the llamas have. Dunkay could spot a teeny tiny piece of grain buried under the hay, open his mouth to eat it and get a mouthful of black bristly pig hair instead because little miss ‘reappear out of nowhere’ has her piggy snout vacuuming it up!

Yep, everyone in the barn is on high alert and guarding their hoarded food. I keep telling the dingbats that they can’t get the virus, it’s for humans only so relax, enjoy the farm and each other. Of course, as soon as I suggest that they enjoy each other, they all look down at the pig who is eating some of their stocked up food, look back up at me with glaring eyes, ears back, hooves pawing the ground, angrily snorting…demanding that I get rid of ‘that creature!’ I always promise them that I will send Super Farmer right out to take care of their little fat problem! I just don’t have the heart to tell them he waved the white flag regarding Remi long ago.

Fights with shopping carts

So, we went to Walmart and I told…asked…demanded…strongly suggested…hinted to Chad to get me a cart. After all, they weren’t close to the door as they were waaaaay in the back and he needs the exercise more than I do.

Mr. Grump took off after the closet cart to him which of course is latched onto another one. Now mind you, I’ve had these little fights with the two stuck together carts before and know that these two aren’t going to unlatch without a fight. Chad grabs the handle and pulls. Still stuck. So he pulls harder. Not budging. Now he has a foot on one cart and pushes the other with his hand and pulls with the other.

Yep, you guessed it, these two are in love and nobody will ever separate them…ever! After a 90 seconds of tug of war with the love struck carts, Chad decides to get another cart (good thinking honey!). And what does he do? He goes for the next closet cart which is what?? Yep, you guessed it, stuck to another cart!

Scene number one is now on instant replay! I’m standing there thinking to myself, ‘really’? After a good 30 seconds of watching the Chad and Cart show, I walked past the battle and got my own basket. I left him there in mortal combat with the remaining carts!!

Free stuff?

I swear, I always have the strangest stuff happen to me when I’m out and about. Like on Tuesday when I got lost in a parking lot and I had the nice lady in the office building I was trying to find, guide me back to her building.

Today, I went to McDonald’s and ordered a large coke. Everything was normal as I was having a nice conversation with the cheerful female voice coming out from the little black box that was trying to encourage me to buy a sandwich that I’m not hungry for with its clever advertising that automatically makes one hungry to consume 500 calories with every greasy bite! Anyhoo…we finally agree upon a great price of $1.00 for a large coke and I drive up to the window for a ‘meet-n-greet’ with the smiling face behind the box.

Now it gets kinda weird.

The first thing she says is “If I told you we were out of coke and you ordered a Dr Pepper and I said we were out of that too, and you ordered something else, and everything you ordered I said we were out of…would you be mad?” My response, a dumbfounded blank stare!

Am I on Candid Camera? Did I slip into the Twilight Zone again? Did I inhale too much of that fresh green hay in the barn before I left?
Is this a trick question? And, if I answer it right, do I get free stuff for the rest of my life? Or, do inquiring minds really want to know??

So I looked at her for a few seconds, shook my head cartoon style and came up with the following clever answer.

“Not if everything I just ordered was given to me for free!”

She laughed, I smiled, she handed me the receipt that offered me a FREE sandwich if I took the survey, and off to find swans I went!

By George, I am now resolved to get my free 500 calorie per bite sandwich within the stated 30 day time period!! A receipt for nothing purchased leading to a free Whopper only cost an awkward exchange and a smile. 🍔

Mornings with chickens!

My morning chuckle…

I swear it’s a non stop comedy act over here!

We have a group of chickens that refuse to stay in the barn because for some strange unusual reason, they think they’re real birds and roost waaaaay up in our Pine tree every night…, rain, snow, blizzard, high winds (which is fun to watch with them swaying back and forth doing their trapeze act), hot blazing sun…they’re up there hanging on!
Well, early this morning they were all camped in front of the back door looking up at the window waiting for someone to come out and feed them…I informed Chad that it was a perfect time to chase those feathered rebels with a net and throw them in jail…or the chicken coop. He always looks at me like I’m the nuttest person he has ever met as he stands there in his suit and tie, dress shoes, briefcase in one hand and a steamy cup of coffee in the other that me…his loving wife made just for him! I pleaded my case that now is a perfect time with them huddled in one spot and if he has to run after them through the snow drifts, they won’t get far because they’re stupid chickens that can’t fly away or barrel through a 10 foot high snow drift like S.S. DESTROYER Remi when she thinks food just walked through the gate!
He refused.
Anyhoo…my hubby left for work out the front door avoiding the starving beak gang and poop that is now all over my back porch. After I waved goodbye and blew him kisses that he ignored, I went back to see if those dingbats were still clucking on my porch. Yep and a couple more joined them.
As I was watching those chickens outside my door clucking, staring at me with a cocked head, Bitty Boy2 came to the back door, put his nose in the crack and was pushing at it. He was meowing up a storm to go out so I thought to myself…this should be good…he has to go through those chickens to get to the yard.
I grabbed the handle, I looked outside once more so the chickens could see me…which they did so they gathered closer to the door.
I asked the now bouncing cat if he was ready, counted to three, and flung open the door! That cat wasn’t excepting 6 chickens and those bird brains weren’t expecting a feline…a birds worse enemy to come flying out the door! It was great! Oh how I wish I filmed it!
That cat shot out the door like a bowling ball and knocked those feathered rolling pins over and to the side! All I saw was striped cat fur, brown wings flapping and chicken feet!! They all rolled around for about 3 seconds until they got their bearings. Bitty Boy landed on his feet, the chickens knocked into each other as they squawked and flapped in confusion and me, the bad mommy had a good laugh!
Yep, its gonna be a good day!!