All posts by Addie Funny Farm

About Addie Funny Farm

Addie Acres is located in the middle of corn fields with woods outlining the edges. There is a big metal barn that is home to 4 Llamas', 1 Alpaca, 2 mini horses that are so fat it's hard to call them 'mini', 1 donkey that thinks he's a dog, 2 ding bat goat's that never, ever shut up, too many hens, 4 roosters that have their days and nights mixed up, 5 barn kitties that watch the mice instead of chasing them and 4 spotted bunnies that have escaped their pens and are now helping the rabbit population go from basic brown to black and white mixed with butterscotch. My animals rule, control and play tricks on the humans that live a few feet away! Addie Acres has become the 'Funny Farm'! I've been jotting down our experience with the animals for awhile now and have decided to put all my stories in one place. Who knows, maybe someone else can find humor as they shake their head in agreement. Only us FARMERS really knows what goes on inside the "Barn"! Enjoy my journey as I try to control the animals that rule me!

Fun with Mother in Al’s

Well, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day.
As always, it was an adventure mixed with comedy, unbelief, and ‘only us’.

Mother had to go to Al’s. Not the one in LP! Noooooooo….she absolutely had to go to the one in MC! Of course, she didnt tell me this until we were within one block of the Al’s here.
So, I turned the Jeep around and headed for Michigan City grumbling under my breath. Mother yip yapped about old lady things all the way there…things that scare me and that I don’t want to hear about!

We got to the Michigan City Al’s and got in with no problem. We santized her cart, readjusted her mask, lectured her about social distancing and let her go! She took off at turtle speed and weaved herself around people keeping her required space between them and her. I took off in the opposite direction to find things I didn’t need.

After a couple of days or hours, maybe minutes…I found her in the dairy aisle. I passed her going the opposite direction…we nodded at each other and kept our distance. I needed to turn around and went back down the aisle in the opposite direction. Mother had to turn around too, and we passed each other again on the opposite side. But, again…I had to turn around, I did, only to find Mother coming at me again!

We stopped in the middle across from each other where Mother accused me of spying on her to make sure her mask was on. I assured her that I just needed to turn around to find my items…three times. So I asked her why SHE was going up and down the same aisle? She couldn’t remember.

Then, I’m not kidding, she got her finger stuck in a little loop in the seat by the handle! Really? First she loses her teeth earlier this week and now her finger is stuck in a tiny hole on the cart? Mother is working and working trying to unstuck her finger! I’m rolling my eyes and she’s getting mad as her mask goes in and out with her angry breathing!

I kept expecting to hear on the intercom, “Security, there are two wacky ladies lost in aisle 5 and one seems to be stuck on her cart!” Only to hear someone respond, “I see them Bob, I’m video taping them for evidence of why I need a raise!”

Animals Working it Out!

Someone told me about how, back in the day when they were a teacher in an elementary school, she disciplined kids who fought on the playground by making them walk around holding hands. Then the teacher and two kids would eat lunch together to help them see each other’s differences.

Well I thought about this quite a bit wondering if I could get Dunkay and Remi to become BFF’s by making them hang out together more.
Yep, a donkey and fat potbelly pig forced to sit with each other and eat lunch then walk the pasture side by side.

This is how I imagined it would go!

I went out to feed the dingbats and who did I find in the barn next to the hay mound squabbling again? Yep, Dunkay and Remi! I had had enough of those two acting like wild animals and threw my cup of tasty goat grain down. I marched over to the two cry babies who were wailing out their complaints to me and demanded that they “sit down!”

They sorta glanced at each other snickering when I stomped my foot letting them both know that llama mama wasn’t messing around. The pig and donkey quickly plopped down on their hind haunches and looked up at mommy with her glaring eyes, smoke coming from her ears and tapping foot.

I proceeded with my famous speech about barn etiquette, being nice to the other animal’s who share their space, how God sees all, setting an example for the younger animals and most of all, how life will be easier for them if I’m not angry all the time! I can see them nod their heads in agreement making me ease up on my threats of no grain for a year and sleeping with the chickens for punishment.

Then, I pointed to the door telling them to walk to the pasture and talk about how they can get along better. Remi and Dunkay grudgingly trotted (well, Remi swayed!) out the door to go to the back pasture in peace. I smiled at my accomplishment, picked up my now empty duck grain cup and went about my barn duties when I heard Dunkay loudly hee haw, the pig grunt and a late-to-the-party alpaca scream!

I ran out to the back pasture to find that they became BFF’s alright…only to find them terrorizing the llamas and had poor Lincoln cornered to tease him! They figured if they had to be best buds, might as well have fun by making the other animals cower at the sight of a menacing dynamic duo together.

I can’t win. 🐷

Mother in the Parking Lot!

Fun With Mother

I had my M.M. (Mother Marathon) Day on Wednesday and I have to admit, it went pretty well! I only lost her one time in the parking lot. I know, you’re probably wondering ‘how do you lose a little old lady who walks slower than a snail in a parking lot directly from the door?’

Well, apparently it’s not hard at all. She got herself out the door and headed for a basket just a few feet away. I got out of my Jeep, went around to her side and she’s not there. Huh?! It took me less than 10 seconds to get out the Jeep and walk around to where she was supposed to be!

I stood there for a minute scratching my head thinking all kinds of crazy things like, ‘Oh my gosh, Scotty beamed her up! A van pulled up and 6 burly men jumped out, pushed her in the rusty old van as they ducked her cane coming down on their heads. Then, sped down the lane onto the highway and are in Michigan already! There’s an invisible sink hole and she’s under ground! She was never really with me!!’

As I stood there fighting with my over active imagination, she came up behind me and purposely bumped me with the cart demanded to know why I am just standing there looking confused? I asked her where she went and Mother gleefully held up a coupon. She saw it sitting on the ground just 3 cars from ours, so she bolted to retrieve it before someone else saw it!

Mother got a new coupon and I felt relieved that she wasn’t going be sued by 6 burly men because she hit them in the head with her cane resulting in a crashed van!

All is well!!

Lost!

Not only is this embrassing but it is so us!

We were going down 150N when we noticed a garage sale about 4 blocks from the farm in one of the subdivisions. Of course we drove past with our normal banter of…
‘There’s a garage sale!’
I saw it
Well don’t you want to go?
Where?
The garage sale we just drove past!!
There’s a sale?
Just turn around so we can go (slaps arm)’

So we turned around in the hardest driveway there is and headed back.
We passed it.
Another slap to his arm and he finds the second most difficult driveway to back out of, and away we go!
The banter continues and what does HE do? Yep…passed it!
We went up and down a 3 block stretch of road 4 times!!!

I’m sure if there were folks sitting on their porch, they called everyone they knew saying things like, ‘yep those wacky llama farmers are at it again! They’re lost on their own road! Heck I can see their farm from here!
And those llamas of theirs are upset cause they can see them driving around!! ‘

Delivery day!!

True Story.

The delivery guy from Christo’s came up to the front door to drop off a blessing of creamy vegetable soup and cheesecake from someone. When I opened the door, he was acting a bit nervous.

He said he thought the llamas were mad that he was there because they were all lined up at the gate staring at him as he entered and walked past them. Yep, they were and so were BOB and Remi who I’m sure smelled the food before he even got out of the car. Apparently, he has never seen a real llama up close in a yard chilling.

As soon as I started to talk in my obviously sick voice and sounding like an alien from Mars, his eyes got wide, took a step back, handing me the sack in horror! I told him not to worry, I don’t have COVID-19, just Strep Throat (like identifying the highly contagious, painful virus would make him feel better?!).
I continued to carefully tell him not to worry about the llamas, they’re just curious about him, wondering if he has food for them.

Well, the poor guy had food and he’s trying to back away from me AND keep an eye on those llamas at the same time! I think I saw him do the sign of the Cross before he ran, not walked, RAN out the gate and sped down the driveway!

We can now add Christo’s to our long list of delivery people who play the rock-scissors-paper game to see who gets to walk up to our front door and hopefully live to tell about it when our address pops up on the screen! So much fun watching usually confident delivery folks come undone at the sight of guard llamas!!

Postscript. Turns out today was a twofer as the Amazon delivery guy got halfway in the yard and heard my raspy voice from the doorway, observed the llamas then bolted in like fashion. 😁

Fun with mother

Fun with mother

I was relaxing on my back porch swing counting how many times those goats can baaaaaa in 30 seconds, which is surprisingly a lot (I lost count at 326). The sedating effect of goats calls, while keeping my feet under the swing so the casually strolling llamas wouldn’t step on them, started a vivid daydream.

I started envisioning my never ending list of chores for Super Farmer when my phone rudely startled me out of my personal twilight zone. It was mother! Mother locked her keys in the car at Krogers and needed me to rescue her. Goodbye relaxing afternoon with the non stop bleating of goats who think they’re starving 24/7.

I found mother at the Kroger exit leaning on her cart frantically waving at me to make sure I saw her. Of course, the 6 cars behind me noticed her waving and each one stopped to ask her if she needed help. Also, every person who walked out of the store politely asked her if she needed assistance.

I could hear her loudly say, “no thank you, my baby is here to help me…that’s her over there in the blue jeep with flower stickers…she’s Addie Acres! Have you heard of her? She takes pics and every news station in America puts them on! Yes, thats my baby! Oh look she’s turning around! Everyone wave!! I pull up next to mother and pull up my mask to hide as mother now has a small crowd around her waving at me!

I get mother into the Jeep only to hear a 10 minute story about how she thought she lost her keys and searched the store, talking to clerks, managers, shoppers and a watermelon or two! She finally found them on her front seat safely locked in. So off we go to her house located on the other side of town.

On the way, she asked if we could please stop at Walgreens to pick up the one magazine that she absolutely must have…she couldn’t find it at Krogers. So me, being the good baby, I mean daughter I am, stopped at the family friendly drugstore to search high and low for mother’s Closer magazine. I found it within 5.8 seconds! I was so proud of myself!! I got back into the Jeep handed mother her must-have-cannot- live-without mag only to hear …”this is last week’s! I read this one! Take it back!”

Whaaaat?! I started to protest that it has this week’s date on it when she narrowed her eyes at me and said, “fine! I will take it back! I read this one!” I took a deep breath, got out of my Jeep, walked around to the other side and got mother out so she could protest to the clerk that they are selling last weeks magazine!!

Mother got her money back, the clerk got a lecture, I got embrassessed again and we slowly walked back to the Jeep with complaining that the place was selling last week’s magazine and now she has nothing to read!

And, so it goes…fun with mother today!

Pushing Past Llamas

You know you live a strange life when you go out early in the morning to feed goats and have to push llamas away from the back door that are staring at you through the window! Because I had a full cup of the tasty goat grain in my hand (hidden under my red puppy dog robe to fake them out) they followed me to the goat pen, stood behind me watching me dump the yummy nummies to the little baaaaaing mouths. They stampede back onto the porch before I could even turn around, hoping to be the first one in line to follow me inside the house!

I had to squeeze past 3 llamas, one alpaca, and a rooster, who by the way never, ever shuts up, that were crammed in one tiny area by the door to get in. After pushing smelly fur bodies, yelling out my famous unnatural crazy farm lady yodal to scare the dingbats off my porch (which never works), I made it back inside along with a cat I didn’t know was out there. I quickly turned around inside my house as 4 large animals were trying to stick their heads inside, and loudly told them “Sorry! NO llamas in the house today! Now go in the yard and eat, play, gallop, anything but hang on my porch!”

I smiled as I closed my door in victory, then thought to myself…’who in the heck besides me scold llamas telling them they can’t come inside the house today??!!’

Really Nancy? Think about this for a moment. Not only do I have llamas hanging out on both porches, stare at me through open doors and windows, but they come inside the house to eat! Normal folks let their dogs and cats come inside their house to munch…me…I open the door to let 3 llamas and an alpaca line up to take turns coming inside to eat sweet goat grain that doesn’t belong to them!

Good morning world! My day begins!

Delivery Day

Who needs a pitbull when there’s a llama or two, or three hanging around? The delivery guy was here today to drop off a package on my front porch. He must have been new because he came right through the gate and casually strolled up to the front porch with his box of goodies. He acted Iike he didn’t have a care in the world as I was watched from the window since I was still wearing my red puppy dog robe.

He put my box on the porch, stood up and stretched (must have been a long day), turned around only to find 3 llamas 5 feet away from him staring at the box they thought he may have hidden tasty goat grain in! The poor guy, he backed up, they inched forward. It looked like he waved at them, mouthing words that probably sounded like…’good boy, nice llama, stay…niiiiiiice llama!’

He stepped off the side of the porch never turning his back to the dingbats and slowly walked to the gate (backwards) with his hands stretched towards the persistent herd who now lost interest in the box because they figured the sweet grain was somewhere on his person!

He got to the gate the same time those llamas did. Mr. Delivery Man fumbled with the latch as Sweetie stuck her nose in his pocket, Sammie sniffed his head and Lincoln decided to scream out his war cry because a black bird flew past. This really freaked the poor guy out!

I’m sure just like the UPS, Prime, USPS, and FedEx delivery people, he will do the ‘rock-paper-sissors’ game with his fellow drivers to see who drops off the next package at our farm when our address pops up on the router screen!!

Man I love this place! So much fun!! 🙃🐐🐓🦃

Dunkays new toy!

So, somebody suggested that we get an elevator for our barn to help put our hay high up on the loft. I thought it was a great idea until Dunkay’s smirking face came racing into my mind. I thought, do I really want an eIevator that Dunkay could get into and ride up and down in?

This is what I think would happen if we installed freight elevator in our barn next to the delicious bales of hay.

A semi pulls into our back pasture, next to the barn, perking up galloping animals large and small hoping that such a large truck is carrying bales of hay mixed with alfalfa to gorge on all winter. They watch with curiosity, mumbling amongst themselves. The workers unwrap a large metal elevator that you can fit 50 bales or perhaps two llamas, a small horse and a couple of goats…or one naughty donkey.

The llamas quickly lose interest, walking away in disappointment. The mini tank, aka Laci the mini-horse is distracted by a patch of clover to eat and the goats move on to play leap frog, because that’s what they do. Remi, needing instant food gratification always, lost interest and waddled back to the mud puddle to sit in.

And Dunkay? Well, he stands there mesmerized staring at this new contraption that will surely bring him hours of non stop fun! He studies the workers all day, slyly nodding at them as they passed. I’m sure they were a bit nervous passing a donkey that gave out an evil snort as they walked felt him eyeing them up and down.

After a full day’s work, the young workers packed up their tools, made a wide half circle past the still snorting donkey so they wouldn’t accidentally touch him!

Of course, Super Farmer and I couldn’t help but play with the new elevator, going up and down like a couple of first graders. We gathered the animals for our daily daze-inducing lecture. We especially pointed our finger at Dunkay with strict orders not to come near the elevator…do not look at it, touch it, smell it, and never, ever get on it!

Yeah right.

Unfortunately, Dunkay is smarter than the average bear (um, donkey) and watched those workers so he could learn how to make his new toy go up to the forbidden food that us humans won’t let him feast on!
Within 4.8 seconds of leaving the barn, we heard the motor of that elevator start up. We ran back into the barn to find Dunkay on top of the hay loft with his head buried deep inside a bale of pure alfalfa!

Of course, we can’t get the elevator down as Dunkay swirled a piece of hay bale twine around the controls, so Super Farmer had to climb up the ladder and scold the donkey who stared disinterested at him while proceeding to chew.

For ten minutes Super Farmer stomped, nudged, and pointed his finger in Dunkay’s face as the smarter than an average bear donkey chewed away, nodding his head in mocking shame.

Fortunately for Dunkay, when Super Farmer had had enough, he landed in a large pile of freshly tossed hay at the bottom of the hay mow after an “oops” shove by Super Farmer. He stood up, undeterred, and walked to the elevator shift knowing that the new contraption had to come down again sometime and that he certainly had more donkey willpower than an old graying farmer.

Fun with mother at Walgreens

Fun with mother

So, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day. I took mother everywhere. We went here, there, and everywhere! It wasn’t too bad, I only lost her one time…in Walgreens. And what does Walgreens have that no other store has? Huge mirrors so you can see down every aisle with clarity.

So, Nancy stood in the middle of the store (yes that’s me in the pic) and searched for mother. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with an easy, full proof, cant lose plan on finding her. And did I see her? No! Did I go up and down the middle aisle looking up like Henny Penny waiting for the sky to fall? Yes! Was she anywhere in sight? No! I mean, how can I lose a little old lady who walks slower than a snail in a small square store with huge mirrors so you can spy on everyone?!

Apparently, its pretty darn easy, because the woman was gone! Vanished just like that…poof! So I walked the aisles, peaked around corners, looked under the shelves (you never know), checked behind the mops, Kilroyed over the counters, glanced by the greeting cards (mother loves to read every card) and then it hit me! I bet she’s at the pharmacy counter checking on the latest, the best, the most fast acting drug out there!

I was right, she was asking the nice lady behind the counter questions about what drug does what for certain body parts and their possible effects! A big display was hiding her, so I couldn’t see her in the mirrors. I gently took mother by the arm to lead her away from the bewildered pharmacists relieving them of mother’s non stop questions.

On the way out, mother pointed to the big mirrors on the walls commenting how if I ever can’t find her, just look up!

I rolled my eyes and screamed a silent internal Charlie Brown “aaarrrggghhhh”! 👵