All posts by Addie Funny Farm

About Addie Funny Farm

Addie Acres is located in the middle of corn fields with woods outlining the edges. There is a big metal barn that is home to 4 Llamas', 1 Alpaca, 2 mini horses that are so fat it's hard to call them 'mini', 1 donkey that thinks he's a dog, 2 ding bat goat's that never, ever shut up, too many hens, 4 roosters that have their days and nights mixed up, 5 barn kitties that watch the mice instead of chasing them and 4 spotted bunnies that have escaped their pens and are now helping the rabbit population go from basic brown to black and white mixed with butterscotch. My animals rule, control and play tricks on the humans that live a few feet away! Addie Acres has become the 'Funny Farm'! I've been jotting down our experience with the animals for awhile now and have decided to put all my stories in one place. Who knows, maybe someone else can find humor as they shake their head in agreement. Only us FARMERS really knows what goes on inside the "Barn"! Enjoy my journey as I try to control the animals that rule me!

Fun with Mother

Fun with mother

Yep, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day. I’ve had mother all day. We went to the doctor and got her all squared away, she’s in good, almost normal health, we went to the store…twice because she lost her debit card at Krogers. I hope and pray we never lose her debit card in a hot parking lot again! I had to look inside the Jeep, around the steamy parking lot in the 100 degree weather, looked under things that stuck to the hot pavement, then my hand because I touched it… pushed carts that refused to move so I could look inside, around, under, and next to.
I had to listen to mother wail for her card, fearing that every criminal in La Porte County was going to take turns buying up items that would surely embrass her, showing up on her statement! And the worse? Going inside asking if anyone turned in mothers card, knowing that they didn’t…forcing me to go back to my frantic mother who was sweeping her cane under all the cars next us, to inform her that the card was gone, we need to go to the bank and cancel it, which meant I would listen to my mother wail louder and longer!
So I took mother to the bank, got her inside without touching anything glass, metal, plastic or wood that could make her sick, sat her in one of the customer service chairs that are now spaced 10 feet apart…which meant I now had to yell across the room to talk to her! Of course she couldn’t hear me and kept asking, “WHAT?!” In between our loud conversations that everyone in the whole building, including the folks in their office with the door closed could hear perfectly, I had to keep getting up to fetch mother kleenex from off the counter. Before we got called back (I think they were doing paper-rock-sissors to see who would wait on us), I got a text from Krogers saying some nice person found mothers card, turning it in without buying unmentionables!
Hooray! I walked the 10 feet to mother to tell her we’re leaving again when she put a huge wad of used kleenex in my hands to throw away for her. I finally got her up off the chair, nodded at the relieved clerks, and got her out the door without touching anything glass, metal, plastic or wood! Off to Krogers again!

Fun with Mother

Fun with mother

Ah, my mommy. I called her up and said, “mommy, how about going out for lunch! We can pick up fast food, go to Clear lake and watch the geese chase the mallards!” My mother squealed with delight and said she’d be ready faster than I could say, ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers’ three times real fast…which of course got stuck in my head, saying it over and over…wrong…for 20 minutes!

So I picked up my excited mother and offered to take her to her favorite fast food restaurant, Culver’s, again mother squealed with delight (like a young school girl getting her first love note from Tommy who had been throwing spit wads at her) as she clapped her hands together.

On the way, she asked if she could get a McDonald’s coke…mother loooooves McDonald cokes! Because it is mother’s special lunch day, we got in line with the other 534.5 cars to wait, and wait, and wait. We finally got back on Pine Lake Ave headed towards Culver’s when mother decided she really, really wants an Arby’s chicken salad sandwich with pecans, they only have them twice a year you know and they are back…just for mother!
So we detoured to Arbys which, thankfully, wasn’t as busy as McD’s. There was only 328 cars and one motorcycle. We got mother’s sandwich and were going to the lake when mother awakened and asked me about Culver’s!

We had her drink and sandwich why go to Culver’s? Mother has to have onion rings…after all, they have the best gosh darn fried onion rings in all of LaPorte! So I turned the Jeep around to join 788 cars at Culvers.
We got mother’s onion rings, we have her sandwich, she has her coke. So mother and I went to Clear Lake with our three different fast food sacks, had lunch watching the geese and mallards fight over the cattails, and had a nice time.

I got mother back into the Jeep, started up my little Renegade race engine to take her home, when mother asked to go to Dairy Queen for a dilly bar, then swing by Tastee Cream for a small fudge sundae that she can eat later. So, that’s what we did. Mother hit 5 fast foods out of 7 in 1 day!

chad and the gate!

Poor Chad. He’s trying to leave for work and the gate keeps stopping half way, or it opens back up. So as he waits inside his car to see what its doing, he goes around the half circle driveway, into the road and back up the other side again. In other words, the man is driving in circles as the gate opens, closes, stops, gets stuck. He is doing a frustrated dance with a metal gate as he sits inside his car not singing a very godly tune!
Because I’m still in my red puppy dog robe, I refuse to go out there and help the poor guy…I’ve had to many people honk and wave at me as I stand outside wearing my smiling dog robe that flaps in the wind. Most times I’m hiding behind a tree, my Jeep, or chad and yet folks STILL see me and honk!
Anyhoo…since I won’t go out there, I try to be an encouraging wife and wave at him through the window as he drives past for the 20th time shaking his fist at the gate that has stopped half way again!
He shakes his fist, I wave my hand, the gate opens and shuts, he drives around the driveway again, I wave as he passes the house laughing (he refuses to look at me). Now the llamas have line up at the fence to watch daddy go around and around and around, watching the human circus perform! Of course BOB gobbles everytime the gate moves because it makes a loud screeching noise that every neighbor within 5 miles can hear… I’m sure they’re all wondering what in the heck are those crazy llama farmers doing now?? Gotta love mornings down on the farm!

Garage sales!!

Ah garage sales. The place where you can go and rummage through someone else’s throw aways, last year’s garage sale left overs, treasures that became junk, and things that nobody else should really know that they once owned. It’s a great way to spy on your neighbors without them knowing, giving you an idea what they like, their style, if they’re weirdos or not. 😎

Well chad and I hit not one, but TWO neighborhood sales! The first one was across from our farm in the Crestview subdivision. We saw the big yellow signs advertising the biggest, fullest and baddest sale on this side of the Mississippi River! We gleefully did a high five and turned our Jeep into the subdivision to do some friendly snooping…I mean shopping. The first sale we went to was sorta boring, just some clothing, knick knacks from the dollar store, worn out sneakers missing the shoe strings, and some cookbooks promising to make you skinny within 10 days or your money back (I bought it for Chad). The next sale was more interesting….they had skimpy, see through night gowns, books on how to be a better spouse, love song DVDs, and big red candles with a scent promising romance! Apparently it didn’t work because the sad lady working the sale said they were getting a divorce…so please make an offer on anything we saw, especially her soon-to-be-gone- out-of-her-life man’s clothes! I offered to buy his undergarments for my hubby, but as I was handing her the whopping fifty cents for 10 pairs of “like new” undies, MY hubby glared at me with the promise of no big romantic candles for the next 10 years. So I had to politely tell her I’m sorry I think these are way to small for my sweet baboo. She said, “really? They’re a size 50!”. I chuckled with red cheeks and bought them anyway to tease Chad with later and hopefully get a story out of them at his expense!

I guess this is what adulting looks like these days. πŸ˜€

chasing the turkey who’s chasing the dog!

Yep, the cicus was in full swing today! If you were lucky enough to drive by, you would’ve see a huge black powerful Pitbull galloping full speed from around the back of our house towards the pasture next to the busy road, then around the front of the house followed closely by a large Tom turkey angrily gobbling a mere 4 tail lengths behind the dog as a crazy farmer lady running with a blue broom only 2 feathers behind the bird, was yelling and swinging the broom! And where did the three of them end up you ask? Inside the house (of course) because Biscuit ran to the back porch to find the door open so he could safely get away from the turkey who hates him! Yep, thats right…BOB followed him inside my house with me right behind them! The turkey had Biscuit cornered, so I took that broom with a choice word or two (sorry Lord) and scooted that dang protesting bird out of my house…again!

sights on the farm!

Some of the fun things I saw within 45 seconds here on the farm this morning! Gobble Gobble our female turkey chashing C.S. our rooster because for some reason, she hates him…not dislike…hates. A duck racing the pig from the barn for the scratch grain that I just threw on the ground next to the fence for the chickens (the duck won). Two llamas trying to get out the gate at the same time which was opened far enough for one large animal to get through, of course getting stuck together makes them angry, so a spit fight was on! And the best thing I saw while the animals were performing for the circus tryouts? Chad accidentally let Biscuit out with him on the back porch…BOB was out there who ran as fast as his turkey legs would go to attack the dog, which made Chad (in dress clothes and tie) jump between them to keep the fight of all farm fights from happening! THAT was the best entertainment I’ve had all week because it was Chaddie, Biscuit, and BOB doing a fast paced, three step dance that started on the porch…went into the yard, legs and feathers flapping and stomping around the tree (that forced a couple of hens to jump up squawking trying to get out of the way), and back onto the porch. It finally ended with Chad shoving the frightened dog into the house yelling “Oh come on, STOP IT!”, he barely got the door slammed shut when the turkey hit the door with his head because he couldn’t stop in time!
Man I love this farm! So much fun! Lots of exciting things to see and enjoy!!

fun with mother

Fun with mother

I took mother to her first heart cardio exercise program. I personally don’t think she needs it. After all, she handles her cane with no problem with how much she waves it at me when she doesn’t get her way, or how she is still able to turn her shopping cart around the corners on two wheels, or shuffle faster than the other senior that happens to be in a scooter who is going for the same cashier. But mother wanted to try it out since exercise is good for her aging muscles, and it gets her out of the house.

So after two hours of paper work and questions that seemed to never end (I’m not kidding), she had time for only one easy exercise. Mother had to walk for exactly 6 minutes around two chairs wearing a heart monitor. The nice nurse took out her stop watch, hit the button and yelled, “GO” to mother who was half asleep standing there waiting. Well that perked her up! She took off so fast that I’m sure she would’ve passed up FOUR baby turtles! Yes, four!

Mother focused on the task at hand and scooted her walker around those chairs like a real pro! She got past the second chair, stopped, grinned and said, “that was a great work out!” The nurse informed her that it had only been 30 seconds and that she has 5.5 more minutes. Mother angrily looked at her saying, “you’ve got to be kidding! I’ve been walking for at least ten, no 20 minutes!”.

The nice nurse finally convinced her that no, she only walked 30 seconds. I could see in mother’s eyes that she wanted to raise the walker at the nurse so I made eye contact, shook my my head no, reminding her that the nurse is on her side and only wants the very best for her heart. So mother gritted her teeth and took off so fast that every snail in LP County would’ve been proud! She went around and around those chairs like a true Olympian! I think mother will do just fine, I just hope the nurses can keep with her!

Now, on to lap 2…

Up Too Early…again!

Why Nancy its 6am, your up so early! I thought you didn’t do mornings or early afternoons or evenings these days?!!

Yep, those roosters started their pre-dawn ‘let’s-wake-up-the humans-just-because-we-can’ cackles under my bedroom window before the sun was able to stretch out its arm and gently rise up into the sky to give a warm welcoming good morning!

Not one, not two, not three ‘I-have-a-death-wish, pain-in-the-tail-feathers birds’…but FOUR roosters gathered in a semi circle like the Rat Pack (only us old folks know who the Rat Pack is) and put on a show as they crrrroooowwwweeddd in disharmony!
Gosh, I hate those birds!

Anyone want a FREE rooster…or two…or three? He comes with one hen so you too can wake bright and early before every living creature within 10 miles and have farm fresh eggs everyday! If you’re lucky, your new hen will hatch a few chicks! Sounds wonderful doesn’t it? Better get here fast, before they’re all gone!

An Addie Acres one of a kind, genuine, original, must have, signed Rooster and hen!! Get em while they last….please.

If this keeps up I may have to throw in a cat, mini-pig, Super Farmer…anything to make the chorus stop! πŸ“ 🐷 πŸ§”

Walkie Talkies!!

Chad and I were shopping the other day and saw some walkie talkies on the shelf. I picked them up thinking our grandson Isaac could have fun with G-Pa on the farm with them, when I thought to myself, ‘gosh, I could have fun with these too! I could hide one in the barn and everytime Dunkay walked in, I could yell, “NO DUNKAY! BAD BOY! STAY AWAY FROM THE GRAIN! I’M WATCHING YOU! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOUR DADDY OUT THERE!” I could watch him gallop out of the barn freaking out!

Oh the fun I could have with walkie talkies here on the farm! I can yell out “BOB” from inside the house to make him gobble . I could tell Lincoln there’s a strange dog walking down the street so hurry and do your warning cry.

Oooo, how about snap at Chad while he is doing chores that he needs to throw down more hay bales or chase a rooster out of the hen house, or lecture Remi about how she shouldn’t eat so much without her snorting at me in anger?!

Oh the fun to be had! By George, perhaps, I will go back and buy me a pair or two or six walkie talkies to hide all over Addie Acres!!

The wasp!

Chad and I were sitting in a looooong line at Culver’s waiting for our turn to play ‘Let’s make a deal’ with the squeaky voice in the little box who is always happy to see us with a welcoming ‘our pleasure’ greeting!

As we sit there waiting, a crow-sized wasp flys in through the open window to see if there are any sweets left out in the open that it can grab with its King Crab claws and take back to the nest. Well, Mr. Wasp flys around our heads and in between our flailing arms that resembled a tennis match! I swat the mostly-stinger bug, Chad swats it back towards me! Back and forth we push the wasp towards the other.

After a about 45 seconds of being a tennis ball, Mr. Wasp has had enough of these wacky humans who are acting like frightened children as they cried out for the nice lady inside the box to come out and he beelined out. I’m sure Mr. Big Stinger is at the nest telling all the tiny larva a story about a couple of wacky humans who freaked over teeny tiny him who fought them off with a flap of wings!