Fun with mother
I should know by now that every time I go to the store with mother, it’s going to be an adventure that I really don’t care for.
I took her to Krogers so she could stock up on Coke products that are on sale. Nothing makes mom happier than yellow sale signs stuck above the cases of Cherry-Vannila-Zero-Diet and regular Coke! It’s like she turns into a 5 year old who just spotted a jar of Tootsie Pops! She did a little dance with her cane, pointing to the cases she wants ME to pick up…off the bottom shelf of course, and safely put them in her basket before another Coke fanatic comes down the isle and spots those neon yellow sale signs! I got her 3 cases and waited for her to pick out the 4th one. After what seemed like 20 minutes of staring at red and gold boxes, she exclaimed that her beloved Cherry DIET Coke was nowhere to be seen! Oh no! She spotted a case of something on the bottom shelf waaaaaaaaay in the back hiding. And guess who had to get on her knees and crawl into the shelf to grab a case of coke! Yep…ME! I wiggled in there, grabbed that box, and pulled it out. I handed it to mother who quickly frowned, informing me that I grabbed the wrong one! She wants Cherry DIET Coke…not regular Cherry Coke. She swatted me with her cane and demanded that I crawl back under there and get her that DIET Cherry! I said, “mom, that’s all that’s under there! There is NO diet cherry coke, they’re out! Plus I am NOT crawling in there again!!” She blinked at me a couple of times with a deadpan face, then cheerfully said, “oh that’s okay honey, I don’t care for it that much anyway, just get me another Vanilla, that’s my favorite!”
I’m sitting in the furthest room of the house away from the animals who are on a mission to destroy everything thing that was once green in the pasture. And what do I hear? Dunkay! I swear he has a secret bullhorn to HEEEEE HAAAAW into! He is so loud that he could stop a train! We live across from Crestview subdivision and I bet that every person who lives there has heard him at some point since we’ve moved here! It wouldn’t surprise me that on the first Saturday of every month at 11am when the city test the tornado sirens, that folks come outside, cock their heads and ask all the other neighbors standing outside their homes, “Is that the siren, or is it the annoying donkey who lives at that wacky farm again?”
Everybody has heard Dunkay hee haw for his breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 500 snacks everyday. They’ve also heard Lincoln the alpaca scream out his warning cry towards every dog, rabbit hoping past, bird flying overhead, jogger, families going for a stroll down a picturesque quiet (hahahahaha)country road, bicyclist, folks getting their mail and the UPS driver delivering packages…the rooster who practices his manly crow from 9pm to 7am the next morning…and of course the womans non stop voice commands of, “STOP IT! BE QUIET! LEAVE HIM ALONE! BE NICE! DROP THAT CHICKEN RIGHT NOW! NO MORE GRAIN! GET OVER HERE! THATS NOT YOUR HAY! SERIOUSLY? GET BACK ON YOUR OWN SIDE! DON’T MAKE ME WALK OUT THERE! WHAT DID YOU THREE DO WITH SAMMIE AGAIN? DON’T YOU LLAMAS ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!! STOP TEASING THE PIG! I’M TELLING SUPER FARMER ON YOU!!”
Yep, the sounds of our farm.
Well, Chad went out to the barn, and fought with that frozen shut door for about 20 minutes. He pushed, shoved, yelled at, hit it multiple times, shoveled away snow, poured hot water on it, shook his fist threatening to do it bodily harm. In desperation he prayed. The stubborn metal door creaked open just enough to let out a large animal, one at a time.
Super Farmer jumped back covering his head with his arms to let the frothing at the mouths, stampeding animals rush past him! After 20 seconds of waiting for fur to blast through the small opening, he decided to go inside the barn to check if their hooves were frozen to the ground or heads stuck inside a hay bale. Nope, they were standing there all in a row, lined up for battle. They glared at him with their famous ‘I ain’t going nowhere’ look. Chad politely told them that the weather was warm and sunny…it would do them some good to get out and stretch, breathing in that fresh country air! They backed up in unison and lowered their heads in a ‘make me’ stance. Now poor Chad is getting frustrated! He just spent 20 minutes digging them out so THEY could enjoy the heat wave of 10 above 0! Those animals were NOT going out that door no matter what he did or said. Chad gave up. However, the pig followed him outside oinking hoping to get an extra treat.
The groundhog has spoken! An early Spring is right around the corner!
Our llamas however, disagree. They didn’t see their shadow when they came out but made it very clear with body language and narrowed glaring eyes, that they don’t buy this early Spring myth! As a matter of fact when they came out of the barn, they ran in a spitting circle then galloped back into the barn heading straight for the only warm spot. Dunkay not only believes it, he is celebrating by trotting out to the back pasture, frolicking like a young whippersnapper. Laci the woolly mammoth doesn’t care one way or the other as long as she gets fed…a lot…constantly. Because this is Sugar Baby’s first winter, he has been enjoying the hay mounds, chicken coops, Remi’s the not-so-mini-pig house, and everything else he can jump on, climp up and play King Goat of the Hill on! So he has no desire to venture outside. The pig however is so fat that that she doesn’t feel the cold, even with icicles hanging off her nose, therefore she is constantly waddling around inside everybody’s pen, or outside the barn… rooting for dropped grain, birdseed, grass, grubs…anything that will fill up her tummy! So Spring is no big deal for her…everyday is Spring, or Summer, or Fall, or Winter…its all the same to Miss Piggy. So…groundhog day is just another day on the farm. The animals eat, demand, whine, tattle on each other and plan elaborate escapes. Super Farmer and I? Well we are joyously dancing in front of those ding bats because soon we won’t be hauling buckets of splashing water that turns to ice before it hits the ground. Tunneling through 15 foot snow drifts just to feed them, sliding on ice through the barn door knocking over a couple of ducks and turkey like a bowling ball, lecturing animals for the 53rd time in one day about barn etiquette, and no more breaking up fights because one touched the other without permission!
Well now that we’re experiencing an actual heat wave in La Porte county where one can stand outside for 6 minutes before frostbite sets in instead of 5, it’s time we let them llamas out of their not so cozy anymore prison cell…I mean pen, and let them stretch legs, jump around, breathe in that fresh, crisp and frosty air that freezes up their ‘snot’ within 30 seconds, and get away from each other. They can get reacquainted with Dunkay…woolly mammoth and their favorite ‘the creature’ AKA Remi Doodles!
I will get Super Farmer right out there to struggle with the frozen barn door to let out 3 stampeding llamas and one galloping alpaca! I hope his reflexes aren’t numb so he can safely jump out of the way as the swirling snow devil rushes past him!
Me thinks there should be a service out there called ‘Lazy Farmer Feeding Service’. You know, for all us lazy farmers who don’t want to get up, get dressed in 22 layers of clothing, drag ourselves to the barn, trudging through 12 foot snow drifts as the sleet hits the face leaving red welts, with twisting body twirling around like a ballerina when I hit patches of ice as all the treats on the plate fly up into the air like popcorn just to feed more animals than I can count in below 0 weather! (take breath) Instead, I can just pick up the phone, call up ‘Lazy Farmer Feeding Service’ and pay them to come over and do the farm chores! I would so call them today! AND probably tomorrow…heck, all week!
Oh yeah, what am I thinking?! I already have my own ‘Lazy Farmer Feeding Service’. Super Farmer. I just line up his 22 layers of clothing going from the bedroom to the back door…kinda like a path. I stand behind encouraging (well, prodding) him as he puts on layer after layer reminding how much those animals adore him and that they appreciate his efforts to take care of every need they have! (his response, blank stare) I get the plate of treats ready on a paper plate so it doesn’t shatter on the glass like ice. Kiss him on the forehead because it’s the only skin showing, and tell him not to worry, I’ll be praying for him as I watch (filming) from the big picture window facing the barn along with Biscuit and Chippie. Yep, works for me!! (blank stare continues)
So, like everyone else, I rushed to Walmart yesterday to stock up on bread and milk in case we got snowed in with the 3 inches of snow they were predicting. After all, that 3 inches might build up against our door for days not letting us out! Anyhoo…I filled up my cart with all the necessities that one must have for a possible blizzard wannabe that could trap us for days! I got my Dove dark chocolates, milk, and a romantic movie to watch over and over with my honey pie so I can hit him in the arm saying loving things like, “you dont say those things to me! You never take me somewhere special! I don’t get those kind of gifts!” By the time we’re done with our love story movie, he has a black and blue arm and I am now mad at him for the rest of week. Hopefully for him the ‘shut us in storm’ will last only hours instead of days!
And…I’m in Walmart with my ‘500+ must have items in case the storm hits us’, when I decide I better check out before something else jumps in my basket because it thinks it’s a party in there! Every check out has a line of people snaking past the jewelry counter, making one feel like like they’re at Disney World waiting to get on Mr Toad’s Wild Ride! Suddenly, I spot one self check out machine that’s open! I turn my cart so fast it’s on two wheels and pick up my pace to get to the machine. Out of the corner of my eye, I see an old lady with a cart that is fuller than mine, heading towards MY machine! I go a little faster, and so does the gray haired woman with a cane who seems to get a burst of energy that she hasn’t experienced in the last 20 some years! I maneuver around a couple of displays with all the ‘As Seen On TV’ gadgets, and she goes around a stand filled with children’s plush unicorns, turtles and shooting star projector puppies that surely keeps them wide awake at night. The race is on! I forgot my moral code of ‘age before beauty’ and beat her to the machine that was blinking at us. I got there and said ‘ah ha’ in victory which lasted about 1.8 seconds because on my machine, it has ‘cash only!’ My shoulders slumped in defeat, I turned around to leave only to see my competitor standing behind me with a huge smile waving a wad of cash in her hand.