Pushing Past Llamas

You know you live a strange life when you go out early in the morning to feed goats and have to push llamas away from the back door that are staring at you through the window! Because I had a full cup of the tasty goat grain in my hand (hidden under my red puppy dog robe to fake them out) they followed me to the goat pen, stood behind me watching me dump the yummy nummies to the little baaaaaing mouths. They stampede back onto the porch before I could even turn around, hoping to be the first one in line to follow me inside the house!

I had to squeeze past 3 llamas, one alpaca, and a rooster, who by the way never, ever shuts up, that were crammed in one tiny area by the door to get in. After pushing smelly fur bodies, yelling out my famous unnatural crazy farm lady yodal to scare the dingbats off my porch (which never works), I made it back inside along with a cat I didn’t know was out there. I quickly turned around inside my house as 4 large animals were trying to stick their heads inside, and loudly told them “Sorry! NO llamas in the house today! Now go in the yard and eat, play, gallop, anything but hang on my porch!”

I smiled as I closed my door in victory, then thought to myself…’who in the heck besides me scold llamas telling them they can’t come inside the house today??!!’

Really Nancy? Think about this for a moment. Not only do I have llamas hanging out on both porches, stare at me through open doors and windows, but they come inside the house to eat! Normal folks let their dogs and cats come inside their house to munch…me…I open the door to let 3 llamas and an alpaca line up to take turns coming inside to eat sweet goat grain that doesn’t belong to them!

Good morning world! My day begins!

Delivery Day

Who needs a pitbull when there’s a llama or two, or three hanging around? The delivery guy was here today to drop off a package on my front porch. He must have been new because he came right through the gate and casually strolled up to the front porch with his box of goodies. He acted Iike he didn’t have a care in the world as I was watched from the window since I was still wearing my red puppy dog robe.

He put my box on the porch, stood up and stretched (must have been a long day), turned around only to find 3 llamas 5 feet away from him staring at the box they thought he may have hidden tasty goat grain in! The poor guy, he backed up, they inched forward. It looked like he waved at them, mouthing words that probably sounded like…’good boy, nice llama, stay…niiiiiiice llama!’

He stepped off the side of the porch never turning his back to the dingbats and slowly walked to the gate (backwards) with his hands stretched towards the persistent herd who now lost interest in the box because they figured the sweet grain was somewhere on his person!

He got to the gate the same time those llamas did. Mr. Delivery Man fumbled with the latch as Sweetie stuck her nose in his pocket, Sammie sniffed his head and Lincoln decided to scream out his war cry because a black bird flew past. This really freaked the poor guy out!

I’m sure just like the UPS, Prime, USPS, and FedEx delivery people, he will do the ‘rock-paper-sissors’ game with his fellow drivers to see who drops off the next package at our farm when our address pops up on the router screen!!

Man I love this place! So much fun!! 🙃🐐🐓🦃

Dunkays new toy!

So, somebody suggested that we get an elevator for our barn to help put our hay high up on the loft. I thought it was a great idea until Dunkay’s smirking face came racing into my mind. I thought, do I really want an eIevator that Dunkay could get into and ride up and down in?

This is what I think would happen if we installed freight elevator in our barn next to the delicious bales of hay.

A semi pulls into our back pasture, next to the barn, perking up galloping animals large and small hoping that such a large truck is carrying bales of hay mixed with alfalfa to gorge on all winter. They watch with curiosity, mumbling amongst themselves. The workers unwrap a large metal elevator that you can fit 50 bales or perhaps two llamas, a small horse and a couple of goats…or one naughty donkey.

The llamas quickly lose interest, walking away in disappointment. The mini tank, aka Laci the mini-horse is distracted by a patch of clover to eat and the goats move on to play leap frog, because that’s what they do. Remi, needing instant food gratification always, lost interest and waddled back to the mud puddle to sit in.

And Dunkay? Well, he stands there mesmerized staring at this new contraption that will surely bring him hours of non stop fun! He studies the workers all day, slyly nodding at them as they passed. I’m sure they were a bit nervous passing a donkey that gave out an evil snort as they walked felt him eyeing them up and down.

After a full day’s work, the young workers packed up their tools, made a wide half circle past the still snorting donkey so they wouldn’t accidentally touch him!

Of course, Super Farmer and I couldn’t help but play with the new elevator, going up and down like a couple of first graders. We gathered the animals for our daily daze-inducing lecture. We especially pointed our finger at Dunkay with strict orders not to come near the elevator…do not look at it, touch it, smell it, and never, ever get on it!

Yeah right.

Unfortunately, Dunkay is smarter than the average bear (um, donkey) and watched those workers so he could learn how to make his new toy go up to the forbidden food that us humans won’t let him feast on!
Within 4.8 seconds of leaving the barn, we heard the motor of that elevator start up. We ran back into the barn to find Dunkay on top of the hay loft with his head buried deep inside a bale of pure alfalfa!

Of course, we can’t get the elevator down as Dunkay swirled a piece of hay bale twine around the controls, so Super Farmer had to climb up the ladder and scold the donkey who stared disinterested at him while proceeding to chew.

For ten minutes Super Farmer stomped, nudged, and pointed his finger in Dunkay’s face as the smarter than an average bear donkey chewed away, nodding his head in mocking shame.

Fortunately for Dunkay, when Super Farmer had had enough, he landed in a large pile of freshly tossed hay at the bottom of the hay mow after an “oops” shove by Super Farmer. He stood up, undeterred, and walked to the elevator shift knowing that the new contraption had to come down again sometime and that he certainly had more donkey willpower than an old graying farmer.

Fun with mother at Walgreens

Fun with mother

So, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day. I took mother everywhere. We went here, there, and everywhere! It wasn’t too bad, I only lost her one time…in Walgreens. And what does Walgreens have that no other store has? Huge mirrors so you can see down every aisle with clarity.

So, Nancy stood in the middle of the store (yes that’s me in the pic) and searched for mother. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with an easy, full proof, cant lose plan on finding her. And did I see her? No! Did I go up and down the middle aisle looking up like Henny Penny waiting for the sky to fall? Yes! Was she anywhere in sight? No! I mean, how can I lose a little old lady who walks slower than a snail in a small square store with huge mirrors so you can spy on everyone?!

Apparently, its pretty darn easy, because the woman was gone! Vanished just like that…poof! So I walked the aisles, peaked around corners, looked under the shelves (you never know), checked behind the mops, Kilroyed over the counters, glanced by the greeting cards (mother loves to read every card) and then it hit me! I bet she’s at the pharmacy counter checking on the latest, the best, the most fast acting drug out there!

I was right, she was asking the nice lady behind the counter questions about what drug does what for certain body parts and their possible effects! A big display was hiding her, so I couldn’t see her in the mirrors. I gently took mother by the arm to lead her away from the bewildered pharmacists relieving them of mother’s non stop questions.

On the way out, mother pointed to the big mirrors on the walls commenting how if I ever can’t find her, just look up!

I rolled my eyes and screamed a silent internal Charlie Brown “aaarrrggghhhh”! 👵

Amazon Delivers

Okay, this was embarassing!

Chippie is outside barking like the big bad chihuahua that he is with his tiny teeth snapping away this morning, so I open the door to see what kind of bug did he find now? A ferocious grasshopper? A fluttering butterfly? A cicada? What could it be?!

I mistakenly opened the front door and Biscuit ran out like a bat out of hades! There was a poor Amazon Prime delivery man walking back to our gate. Biscuit ran up to the guy for a kiss as Chippie the ferocious 7lb pounds of shaking fur circled him showing him his shiny white teeth.

I had to go OUTSIDE in my red puppy dog robe with bedhead, wearing my granny glasses because I hadn’t put my contacts in yet and tell him that they are typical males, all talk and no action! Biscuit wants to kiss, and Chippie wants to pretend like he’s a Pitbull!

So…Nancy looking like the thing from the Black Lagoon yelling at her wild beasts as the young nice man stands there trying to be polite as he dodges kisses from Biscuit while side stepping Chippie’s teeth!
I bet from now on, when he sees our address on his sheet, he’ll automatically hand it over to someone else who will see our name and shake their head saying, “no way, I’ve been there when that tiny snapping dog was outside” as he hands the sheet to the new guy who looks and says, “what are you nuts? I’ve heard about this farm! They have a donkey that eats your shoes if it’s out!”


Okay, honestly now, how many of you wives, girlfriends, significant others, enjoy being a backseat driver? It is a favorite past time of mine! I can’t wait to get in the Jeep when Chad is driving and plan out his course with lots, and lots, and lots of friendly advice on how to, and how NOT to drive!

We get in the Jeep, buckle up! I look at him, smile, wring my hands in anticipation while giving out a sinister giggle. He avoids eye contact and starts to nervously sweat, checking and re-checking his seat belt, all mirrors, turns on the Google map, then prays that he does nothing wrong before we get out of the driveway!

Woo hoo, let the fun begin! No matter which way he turns out of our driveway, it’s the wrong way. If he puts on the brakes waaaaay before the stop sign, I accuse him of driving like the old man that he is! If he applies the brakes just before the stop sign, I gleefully hit his arm scolding him for riding my brakes to hard!

The whole trip is “Not this way! Why did you go down this road? Stop here, oh great, now you’re too far out in the middle of the intersection…back it up! Why are you backing up??!! Your gonna hit someone! There is such a thing called a turn signal you know…so use it! Are you mumbling under your breath at me again? Slow down there’s a rabbit in the middle of the field, he might be thinking about hopping our way! Man, you drive slow! Why are we here? Shouldn’t we be in the other parking lot?! Quick, I see an old man headed for that car in the first parking spot, I’m sure it’s not handicapped! Oh my gosh Chad, why are you following that elderly gentleman? You want us to be thought of as creepers or harrassers of old folks?’ THEN, I take a breath, and c-o-n-t-i-n-u-e!

Yep, thats how WE roll!!

M.M. day!

Well, it was a M.M. (mother marathon) day.
I had isaac our grandson with us so it was an extra long, and more interesting time. Mother only had 3 places to go instead of her usual 545.5 places, so it only took us 5 hours instead of 200.
Although It did start out kind of bizarre because she lost her pocket. Yep, thats right…her pants pocket. How does one lose a pocket in the Jeep when it was there when she put the pants on???

We were stopped at a red light when mother suddenly noticed that her left pants pocket wasn’t there anymore! I’m like, ‘mom, you don’t just lose a pants pocket!’ But mother insisted that the pocket that she had her cards in, on the left side of her pants was now gone!
So I’m helping her dig around her pants at the stop light arguing about how you can not lose a pants pocket…”oh yes you can because its not there anymore”….”you just have to wait until we get out to see your pants better”…”I don’t have to get out, its not there”..”it is there”…”its not there!!”
She’s un-buttoning her pants, I’m telling her to wait, the light changes to green but I don’t notice, cars are honking, Isaac has his hand shielding his eyes so he doesn’t see anything he shouldn’t, I’m tring to turn onto Lincolnway, the cars are now speeding past me as the drivers shake their fist at me, mother rolls down the window to yell at them about how dare they get mad her baby, and I’m begging God to please just let the woman find her pocket!!

We stop another light and mother is still squirming around trying to find her pocket! I refuse to look at her or tell her that it’s impossible to lose a pants pocket when she joyfully yells, “Oh here it is honey! Right where its suppose to be and all my cards are still in there! And why are these cars honking at my baby?! I’ll give them a piece of my mind, so drive faster to catch up!”

Yep, that was the start of my M.M. day! I’m happy to say I only lost her 8 times in Walmart instead of my usual 19 and we got out of there without her shaking her cane at anyone!

Fun with Mother

Fun with mother

Yep, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day. I’ve had mother all day. We went to the doctor and got her all squared away, she’s in good, almost normal health, we went to the store…twice because she lost her debit card at Krogers. I hope and pray we never lose her debit card in a hot parking lot again! I had to look inside the Jeep, around the steamy parking lot in the 100 degree weather, looked under things that stuck to the hot pavement, then my hand because I touched it… pushed carts that refused to move so I could look inside, around, under, and next to.
I had to listen to mother wail for her card, fearing that every criminal in La Porte County was going to take turns buying up items that would surely embrass her, showing up on her statement! And the worse? Going inside asking if anyone turned in mothers card, knowing that they didn’t…forcing me to go back to my frantic mother who was sweeping her cane under all the cars next us, to inform her that the card was gone, we need to go to the bank and cancel it, which meant I would listen to my mother wail louder and longer!
So I took mother to the bank, got her inside without touching anything glass, metal, plastic or wood that could make her sick, sat her in one of the customer service chairs that are now spaced 10 feet apart…which meant I now had to yell across the room to talk to her! Of course she couldn’t hear me and kept asking, “WHAT?!” In between our loud conversations that everyone in the whole building, including the folks in their office with the door closed could hear perfectly, I had to keep getting up to fetch mother kleenex from off the counter. Before we got called back (I think they were doing paper-rock-sissors to see who would wait on us), I got a text from Krogers saying some nice person found mothers card, turning it in without buying unmentionables!
Hooray! I walked the 10 feet to mother to tell her we’re leaving again when she put a huge wad of used kleenex in my hands to throw away for her. I finally got her up off the chair, nodded at the relieved clerks, and got her out the door without touching anything glass, metal, plastic or wood! Off to Krogers again!

Fun with Mother

Fun with mother

Ah, my mommy. I called her up and said, “mommy, how about going out for lunch! We can pick up fast food, go to Clear lake and watch the geese chase the mallards!” My mother squealed with delight and said she’d be ready faster than I could say, ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers’ three times real fast…which of course got stuck in my head, saying it over and over…wrong…for 20 minutes!

So I picked up my excited mother and offered to take her to her favorite fast food restaurant, Culver’s, again mother squealed with delight (like a young school girl getting her first love note from Tommy who had been throwing spit wads at her) as she clapped her hands together.

On the way, she asked if she could get a McDonald’s coke…mother loooooves McDonald cokes! Because it is mother’s special lunch day, we got in line with the other 534.5 cars to wait, and wait, and wait. We finally got back on Pine Lake Ave headed towards Culver’s when mother decided she really, really wants an Arby’s chicken salad sandwich with pecans, they only have them twice a year you know and they are back…just for mother!
So we detoured to Arbys which, thankfully, wasn’t as busy as McD’s. There was only 328 cars and one motorcycle. We got mother’s sandwich and were going to the lake when mother awakened and asked me about Culver’s!

We had her drink and sandwich why go to Culver’s? Mother has to have onion rings…after all, they have the best gosh darn fried onion rings in all of LaPorte! So I turned the Jeep around to join 788 cars at Culvers.
We got mother’s onion rings, we have her sandwich, she has her coke. So mother and I went to Clear Lake with our three different fast food sacks, had lunch watching the geese and mallards fight over the cattails, and had a nice time.

I got mother back into the Jeep, started up my little Renegade race engine to take her home, when mother asked to go to Dairy Queen for a dilly bar, then swing by Tastee Cream for a small fudge sundae that she can eat later. So, that’s what we did. Mother hit 5 fast foods out of 7 in 1 day!

chad and the gate!

Poor Chad. He’s trying to leave for work and the gate keeps stopping half way, or it opens back up. So as he waits inside his car to see what its doing, he goes around the half circle driveway, into the road and back up the other side again. In other words, the man is driving in circles as the gate opens, closes, stops, gets stuck. He is doing a frustrated dance with a metal gate as he sits inside his car not singing a very godly tune!
Because I’m still in my red puppy dog robe, I refuse to go out there and help the poor guy…I’ve had to many people honk and wave at me as I stand outside wearing my smiling dog robe that flaps in the wind. Most times I’m hiding behind a tree, my Jeep, or chad and yet folks STILL see me and honk!
Anyhoo…since I won’t go out there, I try to be an encouraging wife and wave at him through the window as he drives past for the 20th time shaking his fist at the gate that has stopped half way again!
He shakes his fist, I wave my hand, the gate opens and shuts, he drives around the driveway again, I wave as he passes the house laughing (he refuses to look at me). Now the llamas have line up at the fence to watch daddy go around and around and around, watching the human circus perform! Of course BOB gobbles everytime the gate moves because it makes a loud screeching noise that every neighbor within 5 miles can hear… I’m sure they’re all wondering what in the heck are those crazy llama farmers doing now?? Gotta love mornings down on the farm!