Fun(?) with mother
Well, my Jeep was once again at the mechanics because it is determined to be worth more than what it really is…a LOT more.
I finally got the call that I could pick it up and tearfully listened to all the work it needed and the cost to get it back. My mom was over visiting and offered to drive me to Dave’s Auto Repair instead of waiting for Chadwick to come home which could be hours. Now mind you, I’ve had many car rides with mother and after the last ‘Mr Toads Wild Ride’ with her, I made a pinkie swear to never, ever, never let her drive me anywhere…ever. But alas, Nancy had a lapse in judgement and I heard a voice that sounded just like mine say, “okay!” Before I could take it back, mother had picked up her cane and was racing to the cherry red Cadillac, swinging keys in hand, grinning from ear to ear all the way! I had another lapse in judgement (must be this swan thing) and thought to myself, ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine, its just down the road, how bad could it be?’
HOW BAD COULD IT BE????
My first ‘oh my gosh what have I done’ thought came when she turned to me, gave me an almost evil smile and said, “buckle up dearie, mamas got the wheel!”
We zoomed out of the dark driveway and got to the stop sign in 4.7 seconds which normally takes 3 minutes…if speeding! I tried to say something like, “Get me out of this car! Are you crazy? Give me those keys! What’s wrong with you! Somebody help!” Before my lips could move, she turned the corner on two wheels! I was trying to talk myself out of jumping from a moving car when she slowed to a turtle’s crawl. I relaxed a bit, but I was confused. I stupidly asked why we were going so slow. She informed me that she can’t see when other cars are coming at her. Really? Theres like 500 cars coming in the opposite direction! I said “that’s it, pull over, I’m driving!” But mother would not. She was going to drive all the way there, sight or no sight! We made it to Johnson Road without going into someone’s yard and she seemed to be better…until I yelled, “slow down! Brakes!”
She looked at me confused (which frightened me even more because her eyes were on me) and asked what my problem was! I pointed to the car ahead of us that was at a complete stop trying to turn left! She said, “Oh, I was wondering what he was doing!” Again I did the sign of the Cross, making bargains with God if he would just get us there in one piece. We made it to Dave’s, I paid another one of his house payments and told them about my experience with mother getting there because I needed to get it out of my system! They nodded in horror offering words of comfort, (I think I saw them also do the sign of the cross when I was going out the door), I picked up my ‘should be dipped in pure gold’ keys, and got my purse out of mothers race car. I dug around in my bag looking for my contact solution. I then anointed it to be Holy Water. I sprinkled it all over her car asking God to please surround it with Angel’s and get her home safely. I told her to call me when she got home so I know she made it. She cheerfully called me within the hour thanking me for letting her drive her baby around! I hope she thoroughly enjoyed our little adventure because she will never, ever, never drive me around again!
Yep, its thanksgiving. The day I go out to the barn to gaze upon adorable furry faces, thanking each and every one of them for making my life more enjoyable, fun, exciting, happy, fulfilled and of course…stressful (followed close with annoyance, frustration and temper tantrums). As I sweetly talk to larger than myself fur babies, they lose interest after about the 3rd or 4th word. I usually find myself left with one animal, Dunkay, staring at me with love and adoration…thanking me for being his human. Yeah right, he’s hungry and wants…cookies…sweet potatoes…pumpkin pie…buttered rolls. He knows its turkey day, he can smell every thanksgiving meal being cooked within 5 miles! He’s not looking at me with love, he’s demanding that I include him in the celebration of food, lots and and lots of human food! So after a few minutes of sharing my thankful, heartfelt thoughts to llamas who left and are eating in the field, a horse who fell asleep standing up, a goat who is circling me wondering when is this human going to stop yacking and start feeding, and a donkey who has been slowly backing me up into a corner…I loudly say to them all, “well happy turkey day anyway”!! Of course when I yelled that out, both turkeys looked up at me, turned to each other with an expression of horror, then RAN to the nearest bush to hide! I give up. No more speeches to animals inside the barn.
I am happy to say that I snuck in my office to do devotions early this morning and I got to read, pray, plan out Chad’s vacation day with farm chores ALONE! Yep, you read right…
ALONE! I threw a slice of cheese to the hungry, always starving animals that follow me around in the kitchen in case I open up the magic box (fridge) that holds golden nuggets like cheese, left over meatloaf, bologna slices…anything that doesn’t have the word ‘PET’ on the package! They were gathered around me in a tight circle, so I opened the treasure chest to get them a ‘stay away from me’ treat. Once in awhile my bad girl side comes out along with a crazy giggle, and I throw a piece of meat or cheese in the middle of them as I make a mental bet inside my head on who’s going to get it. I usually bet on Chippie because he’s small, fast and has the permanent growl face on…see, moms are right…if you keep making a nasty face, your face will freeze up that way forever!
Anyhoo, I took out the cheese, held it it up so everyone got a good look, letting that cheesy smell drift towards their noses. Then I threw it in the living room as far away from me as I could! They all galloped to the treat that only one can eat! Super Farmer came around the corner, saw the cheese fly past him and said, “hey, isnt that my Wisconsin cheese I just bought!” I answered, “yep, sure is!!” Chad loooooooves his cheese so he ran after the stampede to save his slice of heaven! I watched a football tackle play out in the middle of my living room among sounds of growls, hissing and a couple of choice words! Two dogs, two cats, and a grown man diving towards a stupid slice of cheese. Oh my gosh! Really?! Then this thought flashed through mind…’RUN NANCY TO YOUR OFFICE BEFORE THEY UNTANGLE THEMSELVES!’ I rushed to my office, slammed the door shut, stood there for a few seconds with my back against the door, arms out, smiling that I made it! I can do devotions without a 90 lb Pitbull taking up 80% of my chair, a heavy cat laying across my legs making them go numb, and a growling chihuahua under my robe as a kitten nurses on it!
And by george, that’s what I did! I’m not sure who got the cheese, but my money was on Chippie.
My morning routine…
I wake up to the annoying sound of C.S. (short for chicken soup) on purpose, crowing beneath my bedroom window which is loud enough to shake the glass. I go through my list of ways to make chicken casseroles, soup, dinner, lunch, breakfast, desert, snack…you name a food with chicken in it, I’ve already day dreamed about it a 1000 times in the wee hours of the morning! After wishing him bodily harm for a half hour, I get up, gearing myself for the doggie dance. I need to manuver, step over, side step, jump past, and tip toe around 3 dogs who have been doing the ‘jump on and off the bed’ game in rythem to C.S.’s cock-a-doodle-dooooooo song. I then race the fur babies to my door hoping to get there first so I can actually open the door standing in front of it, not reaching so far I almost fall over because they are lined up like soldiers in front. Unfotunatly, 99.9% of the time, I don’t make it. I get the door open and they race like wild beast down the stairs, around the corner (one or two always slides on the wood floor leaving scratch marks), knocks over a cat or two which makes them screech, claws batting at dog faces, which makes the dogs growl and bark at the feline, which means there is now a cat/dog fight in the middle of my living room! Good news, as soon as I catch up to everyone and they see me, the claws are put away, the growling stops and ALL of them are now racing for the back door! Again, I have to stretch my body like a rubber band and reach for the handle to let the circus clowns out! I open the door and 5 furry bodies are shoving, pushing, growling, screeching, racing to the only tree in their area…3 dogs are watering it, 2 cats are climbing it, and I’m slamming the door shut so I can have 40 seconds of peace!
Yep, thats how I get the old blood pumping in the morning!
So, I’m standing at the back door waiting for Chaddie so we can leave for church. I’m doing my best mother impression by saying things like. “Are you ready? Can we please go? Where are you!! What’s taking you so long? Hello? Come on, we’re late…AGAIN!!”
As I’m going through every frustrated mother saying I’ve ever heard (along with a few of my own I made up), the back door flings open! The cold wind blows through the open door letting in swirling Fall leaves along with a dirt devil! I’m a bit startled so I don’t move. After the small tornado of leaves, twigs, feathers, dust and wind settles, I see a small, menacing black silhouette standing at the threshold. I shiver from the coolness that barreled it’s way inside and squint at whatever is blocking the door. Misty Blue runs past the thing, sprints between my legs startling me even more! I call out to my hero husband to come save me from the thing in the doorway! Chad comes running, throws himself between his true love and the danger that is sure to come to her if he doesn’t intervene!
He stands in front of me with his arms out like a mother does when a tiger is about to pounce upon her young! There we stood, him in a protective stance, me cowering behind his back…and what do we see? Remi! The stupid pig pushed the door open, complete with snout snot marks, and was standing there waiting for somebody to come feed her!
Chad turned and looked at me with a ‘are you serious? You screamed for protection from HER??!!’ look! I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well, it could’ve been something really, really bad! How was I to know it was just YOUR pig!!”
Okay, I’m not kidding…I had a few things to get out of the Jeep so I had the back door open leaning all the way in gathering things. I have an arm load of stuff when I feel a bump on the back of my legs. Its Sugar Baby the goat trying to push past me to jump inside. I shove him away from me determined not to let him pounce all over my breakable items I’m trying to get out! Well, he won’t move because the turkey strutted over to remind the goat that she doesn’t like him…at all, as a matter of fact, she’s despises him, he is not welcomed on her farm! So the goat is pressed up against my legs trying to get away from the angry turkey who is fluffed up 3 times her normal size to look big and mean, pecking at him…but he can’t go anywhere because all the commotion made Biscuit (who Sugar Baby is afraid of), come galloping over to see what the heck is going on! Now I’M stuck! I have Sugar Baby plastered to my legs, an angry turkey to the right of the door squawking at a frightened goat, and over excited Pitbull to the left of the door acting like a Mexican jumping bean! Really? The more I move to get away from the farm drama, the closer they come to me! Finally, I had had enough so I barreled my way past them all yelling out my famous crazy farmer lady yodel, while waving my arms with a couple of plastic bags! I safely made it to the porch, turned around and by george, they were still at it! But now the goat was inside my Jeep on the back seat watching the other two still squawking and jumping.
I rolled my eyes, turned to go inside the house only to practically trip over Remi, the not so mini pig! She was hungry, reminding me that it’s been almost a full 20 minutes since her last meal, which wasn’t hers to begin with…it was the chickens scratch grain that she vacuumed up before they could get any! Only me.
Mornings…so peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable…not!
I sit on my comfy chair, get my devotion books ready to read as I sip my steaming cup of coffee flavored with caramel chocolate! Biscuit jumps up to join me, lays down for his morning nap, followed by Chippie who snuggles under my red puppy dog robe. Within minutes Misty Blue joins us and stretches across my legs. I do a little shifting and readjust my now over heating body, pick up my book and start to read. Within 10 seconds, the kitten comes out of nowhere and lands on Misty Blue who has not accepted him yet. She jumps, arches her back and does her best holloween black cat impression, which of course wakes up the Pit who sits up with a start, that disturbs Chippie who is now growling at Biscuit who is trying to stay out of reach of his tiny fangs. The cats are having a stand off on my legs and one of the dogs is growling, snapping, growling. I yell at everyone to “GET OFF OF ME”! They all look up at me a with the expression of ‘what’s her problem’! Misty jumps off and runs out of the room with the kitten who just wants to be friends following her, Chippie is in full blown chippie-tude and poor Biscuit is doing the boxer who is trying-to-avoid-being-hit maneuvers! I on the other hand, am wiping coffee off my book and thinking not very nice thoughts towards 4 animals!