Mornings with chickens!

My morning chuckle…

I swear it’s a non stop comedy act over here!

We have a group of chickens that refuse to stay in the barn because for some strange unusual reason, they think they’re real birds and roost waaaaay up in our Pine tree every night…, rain, snow, blizzard, high winds (which is fun to watch with them swaying back and forth doing their trapeze act), hot blazing sun…they’re up there hanging on!
Well, early this morning they were all camped in front of the back door looking up at the window waiting for someone to come out and feed them…I informed Chad that it was a perfect time to chase those feathered rebels with a net and throw them in jail…or the chicken coop. He always looks at me like I’m the nuttest person he has ever met as he stands there in his suit and tie, dress shoes, briefcase in one hand and a steamy cup of coffee in the other that me…his loving wife made just for him! I pleaded my case that now is a perfect time with them huddled in one spot and if he has to run after them through the snow drifts, they won’t get far because they’re stupid chickens that can’t fly away or barrel through a 10 foot high snow drift like S.S. DESTROYER Remi when she thinks food just walked through the gate!
He refused.
Anyhoo…my hubby left for work out the front door avoiding the starving beak gang and poop that is now all over my back porch. After I waved goodbye and blew him kisses that he ignored, I went back to see if those dingbats were still clucking on my porch. Yep and a couple more joined them.
As I was watching those chickens outside my door clucking, staring at me with a cocked head, Bitty Boy2 came to the back door, put his nose in the crack and was pushing at it. He was meowing up a storm to go out so I thought to myself…this should be good…he has to go through those chickens to get to the yard.
I grabbed the handle, I looked outside once more so the chickens could see me…which they did so they gathered closer to the door.
I asked the now bouncing cat if he was ready, counted to three, and flung open the door! That cat wasn’t excepting 6 chickens and those bird brains weren’t expecting a feline…a birds worse enemy to come flying out the door! It was great! Oh how I wish I filmed it!
That cat shot out the door like a bowling ball and knocked those feathered rolling pins over and to the side! All I saw was striped cat fur, brown wings flapping and chicken feet!! They all rolled around for about 3 seconds until they got their bearings. Bitty Boy landed on his feet, the chickens knocked into each other as they squawked and flapped in confusion and me, the bad mommy had a good laugh!
Yep, its gonna be a good day!!

Jammie Day!

Oh my gosh! This is so funny. I asked Chad to purdy please with Chippie on top to check the dingbats before he left for work this morning. My body was telling me that it was going to be a jammie day and I always listen to it when it wants to rest, sleep, lounge, be lazy, relax, sit back, kick its feet up, nap, and desire other fun things that require no effort on it’s part!

Well, Chaddie wasn’t too thrilled about going to the barn in his suit and tie wearing his dress shoes that he just spit shined, but in order for him to get his dinner after a long day at work, he knows that he must perform his barn duty so my body can rest up for 8 hours before I make him his grilled cheese.

So, after mentally preparing himself for every possible scenario known to a llama, pig, horse, donkey, turkey, chicken, duck and unknown critters staring from behind hay bales with beady red eyes, my loving hubby went to the barn to feed, lecture, push apart, scold, and do the famous farmer dance around large animals with the grain cup as they circle like sharks!

He got to the barn, put his phone in the front pocket of his soon to be filled with feathers and llama fur jacket and, oops, the phone proceeded to call me. At first I didn’t want to answer because I thought I would hear him screaming along with sounds of animals attacking the McDonald’s cup holding sweet grain with his fingers tightly gripping it (it always turns into a power struggle- man vs beast). But I answered, I quietly said, “Hello?” No answer. All I could hear were muffled sounds, scratching, heavy breathing, a grunt, the duck quacking, a grumbled word or two, and some bangs.

At first I wanted to run out there in my red puppy dog robe and fluffy gray slippers to save my hubby…or film whatever was going on inside there. But my body reminded me that it’s having a no effort jammie day. So, I put the phone on speaker to listen.

At first, it was boring, just a few grunts from the pig who demands to be fed first, a gobble from BOB, a snort…you know, barn sounds. Then it got deathly quiet. I know what that means…I live it everyday! I can picture it through the blank screen of my phone.

Chad has his back to the wall (he should know by now to never, ever, let them get you up against the wall!!) holding the white cup with the golden arches filled to the top with the sweet grain that they all want, high above his head to protect the treasure from 3 llamas, one alpaca, a donkey, a woolly mammoth, a potbelly pig, two turkeys, a duck and the critter that doesn’t belong in the barn with the spooky red eyes, slinking up from behind the herd!

Then bam! They all lunge towards Chad! Now I’m giggling because I can clearly see it in my mind! The llamas go in from the right, Dunkay comes in from the left, Remi barrels through the middle, Laci the wooly mammoth that spends 90% of her life in the twilight zone from eating too much, can’t move because she’s…well in a coma! I hear Chad yelling at them to back away or the birds get the grain…they’ve heard this threat before and keep coming at him. Chad has no choice but to push his way through dirty fur while ducking spit and avoiding horse poop from getting on his dress shoes! Now I’m laughing out loud. I know that he just threw the grain at them which gave him an escape path to the barn door. Only this time, I hear chad yell at the critter with the red eyes to get away from him.

Yep, I sprinted to the window to watch him run to the gate being followed by Remi the pig who was loudly letting him know that her breakfast wasn’t enough to get her through to lunch! My hubby stomped through the slushy snow and ice to his car to find it locked. He angrily looked towards the house to see me waving at him holding up his car keys he forgot to grab on his way out to the barn for his morning battle with creatures big and small…who love him…as long as he has that cup of grain!

Wrapping gifts…oh the joy!

Want to add spice to your marriage by having it balance on the frustrating, angry, you upset me by ‘not doing it right’ side?? Wrap Christmas presents together. Oh the joy it will bring you and your spouse!

Chad and I are currently wrapping 5390 presents (or less). We split the huge mountain of ‘sure to bless gifts’ in equal parts. We have a grown kid’s pile, grandchildren (born and unborn) pile, sibling spouse pile, friends and ‘we’re not really sure if they are’ friends pile, and my favorite…all animals big and small pile.

We sit on opposite sides of the table that you can’t see anymore…each with our own scissors, tape and colorful tissue paper. For some strange reason, it always becomes a competition of who can wrap the fastest and get done first (I usually win because I sneak some of my gifts to be wrapped over into his pile).

We get the white kitchen timer, set it for an hour and dig in. We say out loud our ‘GET READY, GET SET, GO!!’
And we’re off to see who can get done first.

That’s when all inside fur babies hide from the flying bits of paper, ribbon, too small boxes and bags with strangers name on it (which I use anyway). I eye ball his pile, he eye balls mine, we grimace at each other, I push another gift into his pile.
He complains that his pile is bigger than mine while I point out all his mistakes. He grabs my christmas bag I was using, I accidentally shove his scissors off the table then in simultaneous motion kick it across the room. He grumbles inarticulate words while getting up from the table to retrieve his scissors, I take one of his small gifts and replace it with one of my big ones! He angrily sits back down and finds that he now has 10 more presents to wrap and I only have one.

I win! A true Christmas miracle!!!

Running with turkeys, and a donkey

Another normal day on the farm! I’m sure your all wondering what is considered ‘normal’ here on the Addie Acres funny farm?

Well, I had to get 3 llamas and one alpaca out of my back yard, through the front pasture, and into their field of plenty. So I got ‘that pig’ and Dunkay busy with extra grain, opened the gate and herded those llamas back into the pasture. I then opened up the back gate, went back to my now scattered herd of fur and did my best mama llama herding skills…ya know, waving my arms, and yelling, “HUP, HUP, LETS GO!” like a true farmer.

Yup, those doggies went galloping to the back except for one, Violet, who took a hard left heading towards the barn.

I got the 3 obedient ones in their area then turned my attention to the rogue llama eating the horse hay. I swooshed Violet out of the barn and did a repeat of my famer yell complete with moving arms and a cute side step to be different. She took off running, which means I have to run with her. I quickly realized that I made the mistake by carrying a grain cup with me because BOB, Gobble Gobble and Dunkay spotted the white plastic cup with the big yellow arches on it, thinking I had a treat for them. Yep, you guessed it, they ran alongside me as I chased a galloping llama! So…Nancy, two turkeys and a donkey were running together after a llama! Really? At my age I’m running with feathers and fur in a large open field where everyone can see?

I finally ushered Violet through the gate, but had to quickly close it before Dunkay followed her in. Of course, we have a loooong metal chain to wrap around it to keep it closed because Dunkay learned years ago how to work the latch, open it up so he could terrorize the llamas. Now I’m standing at the gate with a donkey that has his nose between the gate and fence pushing it as two turkeys peck at the cup in my hand!

It took me 5 minutes to secure that lock. Of course 4.5 minutes of that was with Dunkay’s nose between the 2″ opening, my arm reaching around his neck and under his head wrapping the chain to the fence as the turkeys stood behind me gobbling and flapping for more food while the llamas stood on the other side watching the entertainment…snickering I’m sure!

And, honestly, when I got done, I raised my arms in victory, did a little dance and loudly sang, ” I rule, you drool, woo hoo, I win!”

Farm excercises!

If you are a true farm woman, it is impossible to get fat! I was out in the barn, field and yard today for an hour and a half, climbing hay stacks, moving bales, filling up animal water bins inside the barn. I did my grain dance with the circling goats and horses. I then emptied out the turtle shaped sand box that the quackers use for a pool, rinsing it out as my impatient ducks flapped and squawked at me the whole time. I climbed over a bunny fence, taking part of it down to make their pen bigger. I swept, then hosed off the back porch from duck poop. I searched for eggs with Dunkay (only found 5..dang hens are getting sneaky again). I chased Llamas out of their pen into the back pasture so I could close it up and let chickens out to enjoy some fresh air and peck at the brown grass. I carried 2 large arm loads of hay to put out for the Llamas and the best exercise of all….I saw Dillon running towards the garage so I sprinted from the middle of the yard to beat him there. I just fed the kitties and left the door open because I wasn’t done with my cat chores when I saw him do a bee-line for the opening! Ha! I beat him! I got there 2 seconds before he did and I loudly said to him, “I win, you lose, no kitty food for you!!” He grunted at me and walked away to see if he could get into the bunny pen for rabbit pellets. Tonight, I’m going to be lazy and herd everybody back into the barn with my Jeep, window down yelling “HEE HAAAW!!..ROLLING ROLLING ROLLING< KEEP THEM DOGGIES ROLLING!!”

Wow…that was from 2013!! Six years ago! I’m too old for that kind of work now…so now when things need to get done, I write out my 10 page ‘Honey-Do or else list’ and give it to Super Farmer as I shove him out the door! Now my exercise consist of my mouth moving non stop with powerful word excercises like, “Wait! You forgeot to grab the 50lb bag of scratch grain! Stop…you need to come back and take C.S. with you along with 10 loose hens! Watch out, here comes Dunkay…he’s hungry! Don’t trip over Remi again, she hates that! And as you discovered (the hard way), theres nothing worse than a mad, starving to death waddling pig with an attitude the size of Texas! Since your going out, grab the trash can and take it to the curb, oh and check the mail while your out there! The llamas…for goodness sake feed those llamas and try not to get spit on this time! One more thing honey pie, I noticed yesterday that the water bins need to be emptied and refilled…Dunkay pooped in one, the duck swam in the pigs dish, there’s llama spit in one and the outside water has something weird smimming around inside it!”

Yep, that about sums it up for MY exercise!!

Attacking turkey…again

I need a body cam or cameras set up all around the farm!

I had to go out and feed the dingbats, fill water, chase 3 escaped chickens (I only caught one), keep ‘that pig’ from wiping her nose on my pants, avoid Dunkay so he wouldn’t eat my shoes, and make sure BOB and Gobble Gobble had enough to peck at before ‘that pig’ also vacuumed up every single tiny piece of scratch grain. I almost made it without any farm drama when I saw BOB run around the corner of the barn with his wings spread out. (It never ceases to amaze me how fast a plump turkey can run!!)

Well, this old farm gal has been around the barn block a few times and instinct told me that whatever that turkey is after, it’s going to involve me in some way. So I drop the hay and follow the bird. And, yep…drama! Biscuit was in the front pasture (the one in front of super busy 150N). There they were, Bob & Biscuit…tirkey and pitbull mix squaring off (BOB hates Biscuit and goes after him every chance he gets!)

So Nancy sprints over and throws herself between the mighty Pit and the miniature raptor! And do they listen to my loud commands to stop it or else? No! Do they choose to play nice? Heck NO! Do they start their ring around the rosie game using me as their rosie? Yep…they do! I’m in the middle of the front pasture with cars zipping by with a big black fierce looking dog running from a turkey with wings spread, beak opening and closing trying to peck at the dog.

Really?! Round and round they go with me yelling at the not so funny circus act to “stop it”, “Stop It”, “STOP IT”, complete with waving arms, and stomping feet. At this point I am one frustrated farm mama and tell Biscuit to get the heck away from me NOW! Finally, he listens and runs. Does he run to the gate to get out? Noooooooo! He runs to the side pasture which of course makes the turkey flap after him.

Now they’re going around in circles around THE pig! I’m like, ‘oh come on!’ My two sworn enemies are going so fast around that confused pig that they created a dirt cloud. I now have a dust devil in the field with Remi inside it. I gotta run, not walk, to my contuining farm drama and chase the dog through the gate while keeping our mini raptor from doing his best Jurassic Park attack!

By this time, there is a small crowd of neighbors, stopped cars, and cell phones recording the famous, non stop Addie Acres circus act (well, there could have been). I stop, wave toward the road just in case and assure any onlookers that the dog is not going to kill the attacking bird! I could not, however, assure that the reverse would be true.

Amish Llamas?

Very sad news, Amish Acres in Nappannee is closing. We have been going there for years…the festival, the food, the tours, the plays in the round barn theater. Chad and I go for the day and take pics, buy stuff we don’t need and relax as we stuff ourselves with homemade fudge, and buy a years worth of Amish butter.

Well, I was telling my hubby about how we can’t go anymore and walk around in the Amish barns taking notes on how to keep ours. As I was going on and on, I noticed that he had a huge smile on his face. Oh, oh!
I stopped my ‘oh woe is us’ for not being able to go there anymore, and asked him, “Now what?!”

He jumped over to me, got real close and said, “Do you know what this means?” Uh, no, and I don’t think I want to either. He got a serious look in his eyes, took my hands into his and said with all sincerity, “Addie Amish Acres…A.A.A.” I quickly took my hands out of his, stood up and said, “Nope, ain’t gonna happen!” He got this shocked look on his face and said, “Why not? Can’t you just see it? We can have the llamas in the barn, you can sell your pics for a ton of money to mesmerized tourists, and we can be the only place in the world that has AMISH LLAMAS!!”

What?! There’s no such thing as Amish llamas?! Have you ever seen a buggy being pulled by a llama? Or gazing in the field with an Amish farmer close by doing work? No you haven’t, and I’m not doing it!

So for an hour he followed me around the house spewing his great idea about how to create Addie Amish Acres. Oh my gosh, I thought I was going to hit the man!

Thank goodness we cant afford to buy the place! (Though he was convinced there just had to be a wealthy patron or partner willing to give it a go!)

This morning he has all kinds of paper spread out on the table, making notes about how to create the world’s first and only Amish llama farm. Unfortunately, his non-supportive wife in this farm adventure of his, is going to crush his dream by saying once again, “Nope, ain’t gonna happen!” as I push him out the door to feed his ‘almost got to be Amish llamas.’ I think I heard him mutter under his breath that he was going to miss me as he joins the Amish community. The Amish Super Farmer…cropped beard and all.

My eyes are still rolling!