All posts by Addie Funny Farm

About Addie Funny Farm

Addie Acres is located in the middle of corn fields with woods outlining the edges. There is a big metal barn that is home to 4 Llamas', 1 Alpaca, 2 mini horses that are so fat it's hard to call them 'mini', 1 donkey that thinks he's a dog, 2 ding bat goat's that never, ever shut up, too many hens, 4 roosters that have their days and nights mixed up, 5 barn kitties that watch the mice instead of chasing them and 4 spotted bunnies that have escaped their pens and are now helping the rabbit population go from basic brown to black and white mixed with butterscotch. My animals rule, control and play tricks on the humans that live a few feet away! Addie Acres has become the 'Funny Farm'! I've been jotting down our experience with the animals for awhile now and have decided to put all my stories in one place. Who knows, maybe someone else can find humor as they shake their head in agreement. Only us FARMERS really knows what goes on inside the "Barn"! Enjoy my journey as I try to control the animals that rule me!

Watering mothers flowers in the rain

Fun with Mother

I decided to visit mother today and, of course, it was raining, so we sat on the front porch like a couple of old ladies waving at the cars driving past. Since, Mother is much, much much much much older than I and likes to use her ‘respect your elders’ guilt trip on me whenever she can.

Today it was, ‘I know it’s raining, but it’s not very heavy, you need to go out there and water my flowers!’ I’m like, ‘Say what? Come again? I’m sorry, my hearing must be off! I’m not understanding you…you’re mumbling out nonsense again! You are kidding right? Are you punking me?’

She picked up her cane, pointed it at me and, with all her ferocious 87 years, demanded that I water her flowers…NOW! So, like the good daughter that I am, who respects her elders, I stomped out in the middle of her yard with her hose, in the downpour and watered her flowers!

If you happened to drive past my mother’s house and saw some idiot standing in the rain with a hose watering flowers, yup, it was me.
Sheesh

PS Good thing I have Chad around to balance out the ‘unreasonable demands’ cycle to balance out the universe. 🤠🦙🦃

Chippies birthday party?

I don’t know why Chad rolls his eyes at me, shakes his head or goes into a trance like the dingbats do when I’m lecturing them in the barn about accepting ‘that pig’ as part of the family…because I’m trying to share a great idea that I came up with that would be fun!

This morning I snuggled up to my half awake better half and shared one of my best ideas with my loving, wants to please me by fulfilling all my wishes hubby before his brain fully woke up!

Chippie is turning 10 this Fall! 10! That’s a big birthday for Mr Growly! So I thought we could throw him a huge party here at the farm! We could invite all 5000 Facebook followers, make a huge bonfire that the satellites could see from space, have a cake where pretty little doggies dressed in frilly pink tutus could jump out of, make the llamas wear party hats, teach Remi (Chad’s pig) to grunt out the happy birthday song, and have the goats learn a tap dance as the band we hired playes ‘How much is that doggie in the window!’
I rambled on and on about invitations with chippies paw print on it, the gifts I could buy him, how Chad could give Dunkay a bath so he looks dapper, everyone wear a doggie bone hat, games we could play such as pin the feather on the turkey or dunk for chicken feet also affectionately known as Chicken Paws (🤢), have doggie races, set up a photo booth where folks can take pics with a snarling chippie…you know…fun stuff!
I happily chit chatted for over an hour to my hubby who was trapped between me and the wall, so he had to listen to every exciting detail!

I got done with all my plans for him making chippies dream party come true, sat up and asked him what he thought! Should I start working on the invites now? Do I start calling around for a baker who has dancing dogs that jump out of cakes? What kind of band should we hire?
What man what? Help me out here!

Chaddie looked at me with both eyes opened now, and said, “you have finally lost it and I’m not doing any of it! We’re not have having a stupid party for a dog!!”

I thought about it for a almost 3.7 seconds and agreed…instead we’ll make it a private family party (and only half of the Facebook follows) without the dancing dogs leaping out of a 10 foot cake, we’ll just have a 6 foot long doggie bone cake made out of rawhide! We will hire a DJ instead that plays Old McDonald along with other fun farm songs all night! It’ll just be us, a grandchild or two, or three or four or five or six or seven (I’ve lost count!)…but our animal’s have to wear party hats and hum, scream, grunt, winnie, crow, quack and baaaaa out the happy birthday song that HE will teach them to do lined up like little soldiers! And the one thing my faithful hubby must do…give that donkey a bath and brush out those llamas!

See, I can compromise!

addieacres #chippie_tude

Today was Mother Marathon day, which is always an adventure. Today was no exception. And what fun things happened you ask? Well, mother managed to get her hand stuck in her pocket. Yes, you read right, her hand was stuck…in…her…pocket!

I was standing in the store mesmerized by colorful flashing neon words promising renewed strength, extra energy, and sure to make me feel like I could climb a mountain, scale a wall or maybe run a 2000 mile marathon without stopping, when mother came up and tried to whisper the latest “something important” in my ear.

Of course, I couldn’t hear her and asked her to speak up. Mother loudly said that her hand was stuck in her pocket! I blinked a couple of times, scratched my head, squinted my eyes at her and said, “Say what?!”

She cupped her mouth with her free hand and said, “My hand…it’s stuck in my pocket!” Again, I looked her up and down suspiciously and said, “come again?!” She hit me in the arm and pointed with her free hand to her other hand that was, yes that’s right, stuck in her pocket!

I automatically rolled my eyes like I do when I’m in the barn scolding llamas, and let out a big sigh. Then, grabbed her stuck hand and pulled! By gosh, it wouldn’t come out!

Now I’m looking around for Allen Funt to come out from behind the medicine aisle and shout, “SMILE! YOUR ON CANDID CAMERA!” When that didn’t happen, I paused for Twilight Zone music to fill the store! Nope, nothing happened, it was real! Mother’s hand was stuck in her pocket!

So I glared at her and asked, “What did you do?”
She glared back and said, “Nothing, I just reached into my pocket to get a Hall’s cough drop because my mouth is dry, and my hand wouldn’t come out!”

With increasing resolve, I grabbed her hand and pulled. STUCK!

There we were, at an impasse in the middle of Walmart, me pulling on an elderly lady’s arm as she wailed out, “OUCH, NOT SO HARD, STOP YOU’RE HURTING ME!” I expected the police to come around the corner any moment, with guns drawn, to arrest me for elder abuse!

Finally, after a few more pulls, my mother’s hand magically slipped out with ease.
I looked at her, she looked at me, we both looked at her free hand, laughed and went on our merry way!

Only us. 🙃

Car stickers and goats

Note to self…never attempt to put on a car license plate sticker with a goat nearby.

Yes, that’s right, I thought I’d better get my 2022 sticker on my license plate before Chad gets in trouble for not doing it. So, I went to my Jeep with the sticker still stuck on the registration paper to put it on.

As soon as I took that extremely sticky sticker off, goat Cocoa Latte came running up and put his little goat mouth on it thinking it was a tasty treat just for him! Yep, you guessed it, I played tug and war with a goat and the tiny orange sticker proving that I paid for my plates!

Fortunately, he didn’t eat it and I got it out of his mouth with little damage. I scolded him, pushed him away and tried to put it on the plate…key word…tried! That goofy goat head butted my hand just as I put it on my personalized plate causing it to be crooked. And, believe me, once those stickers are on, they ain’t never coming off. Grrrrr!

I stood there looking at my pitiful attempt, getting mad that my sticker was obviously sideways and featured goat saliva stains. But wait, there’s more, then he grabbed the registration out of my hand and ran towards goat friend Oreo to share the paper treat.

Yep, you again guessed correctly, Nancy ran after that dingbat goat before my Jeep registration became an afternoon snack for two naughty goats. Once again I played tug of war with a goat as the other one chewed on my coat.

What a sight that must have been! A wacky farmer lady tugging with a goat yelling at him as she pushed the other one away while it was eating her coat!

Why me?! Where’s Super Farmer (and his chewable coat) when you need him?! 🤔

Goats and buyers!

This was funny.

I sold something on a Facebook garage sale site and the guy came to pick it up. When he got here, I told him to stay behind the fence and that I would bring it to him because my goats where out in the yard and they’re worse than dogs when it comes to jumping up on people. In fact, they like to circle folks like a spinning top. I can’t walk to the barn with out those two dingbats acting like a merry-go-round as I push them them away from from me!

Anyhoo….I saw him pull up so I quickly grabbed his new treasure, slightly opened the door, peeked out to see where dip and dap were, and saw no animals anywhere (which always worries me…did they escape? Are they dead in the barn? Did aliens beam them up?). So I snuck out to meet the young man patiently waiting for me behind the fence when, out of nowhere, I see these two blobs of fur running towards me!

Now I’m running to the gate as these darn goats chase me. That poor guy, he was probably wondering if he should just run himself back to the car and get the heck outta there before this crazy lady carrying a large painting, running towards him with two goats loudly baaaaa’ing galloping behind her, crashed on him!

I got to the fence the same time the dingbats did, handed the shocked guy his prize as both goats stood beside me, one one each side with their front legs on the fence standing up straight. He took his painting, handed me the money as he looked at Cocoa Latte beside me (I had my arm around him like a dog) and I said to him, “darn goats, they’re worse than dogs!”
The nice man nodded with a half grin look of unbelief and walked backwards to his car to make sure nothing attempted to follow him from the funny farm!

Searching with Mother!

My mini mother marathon yesterday turned into another search party!

All I was suppose to do was take her to the bank…simple, fast, easy. Riiiiight!

Mother lost her garage door opener! Yep. She put it on her car trunk with her many magazines that she believes I want to read after she’s done with them and when we were finally ready to leave, was it there?

Noooooooooo!

Mother insisted that she left the not so small garage door opener on the 16″ pile of magazines on her trunk. I put my hand up to my forehead and shook my head in my famous ‘here we go again’ shake!

A new search has begun. Just 10 days ago Chad and I spent hours, maybe days looking for mother’s teeth that she put on the pillow next to her head for safe keeping. Every other week, I’m helping Mother to locate her mail box key that she was sure she had in her hand 30 seconds before I got there!

I probably should invest in a hard hat with a flashlight attached to it, knee pads and a long stick that can grab ahold of anything hiding under dressers, beds, lazyboy chairs and behind toilets (yep, eeewww).

Mother and I looked under, behind, between, into, around and around until I got dizzy. We went through the trash, pushed aside rocks outside and inside the freezer. Did we find it?
No we did not!

Finally, after an hour of forcing my arthritis to flare up in joints and muscles I never knew existed, I took a picture of her garage door machine with the model number and informed my mother who was half buried in the trash can that I was going to order two brand new ones on Amazon tonight. No more searching! (my body can’t take it)

Thank goodness it wasn’t her teeth again, I draw the line at ordering dentures from Amazon!

Sheesh. 👵💖💡

How to overcome boredom in the barn

Yep, I saw this yesterday at Walmart and thought to myself, ‘oh my gosh! I gotta have this for the barn!’The barn you ask? Yes…the barn!

We could hang it just inches from Dunkay and the llama’s heads providing hours of fun for bored animals that are crammed inside the barn all winter with nothing to do but annoy each other due to boredom! Instead of pushing each other out of the warm spot, they could have hours of fun looking up at Santa wondering why in the heck a fat guy is floating around, who is that present for with the teddy bear that looks like its about to fall out, and what sweet goodies are hidden inside?

Dunkay will be fascinated with the pretty colors, after all, the only colors in the barn are browns and green (he loves green, the color of hay!) mixed with black. I can picture the donkey going in circles under Santa with a puzzled look on his fuzzy face trying to come up with ways to get up there and see what’s in that box with the red ribbon all the while wondering if that teddy bear cuddles? After all, he’s always wanted a bear to cuddle up with at bedtime!

I can also imangine that the llamas would be interested in it for about 24.2 seconds. They are smarter than the average bear…quickly figuring out that this Santa is not the one who will be bringing them presents in 3 short weeks. So they will stare at it, glance at each other in a ‘you got to be kidding’ look, spit at it for a reaction, and when they don’t get one, trot back to the warm spot and start up the argument of who gets to stand in it first.

Once settled, mini-pig Remi will watch indifferently as Dunkay persists and starts jumping up and down under the inflatable to make Santa move from to side…so let the games begin!

Yep, I gotta get one for the barn! Hopefully tom Turkey BOB won’t see jolly St. Nick as yet another intruder on his turf and fly up to rip it open!

#addieacres

Fun with Mother in Al’s

Well, it was my M.M. (mother marathon) day.
As always, it was an adventure mixed with comedy, unbelief, and ‘only us’.

Mother had to go to Al’s. Not the one in LP! Noooooooo….she absolutely had to go to the one in MC! Of course, she didnt tell me this until we were within one block of the Al’s here.
So, I turned the Jeep around and headed for Michigan City grumbling under my breath. Mother yip yapped about old lady things all the way there…things that scare me and that I don’t want to hear about!

We got to the Michigan City Al’s and got in with no problem. We santized her cart, readjusted her mask, lectured her about social distancing and let her go! She took off at turtle speed and weaved herself around people keeping her required space between them and her. I took off in the opposite direction to find things I didn’t need.

After a couple of days or hours, maybe minutes…I found her in the dairy aisle. I passed her going the opposite direction…we nodded at each other and kept our distance. I needed to turn around and went back down the aisle in the opposite direction. Mother had to turn around too, and we passed each other again on the opposite side. But, again…I had to turn around, I did, only to find Mother coming at me again!

We stopped in the middle across from each other where Mother accused me of spying on her to make sure her mask was on. I assured her that I just needed to turn around to find my items…three times. So I asked her why SHE was going up and down the same aisle? She couldn’t remember.

Then, I’m not kidding, she got her finger stuck in a little loop in the seat by the handle! Really? First she loses her teeth earlier this week and now her finger is stuck in a tiny hole on the cart? Mother is working and working trying to unstuck her finger! I’m rolling my eyes and she’s getting mad as her mask goes in and out with her angry breathing!

I kept expecting to hear on the intercom, “Security, there are two wacky ladies lost in aisle 5 and one seems to be stuck on her cart!” Only to hear someone respond, “I see them Bob, I’m video taping them for evidence of why I need a raise!”

Animals Working it Out!

Someone told me about how, back in the day when they were a teacher in an elementary school, she disciplined kids who fought on the playground by making them walk around holding hands. Then the teacher and two kids would eat lunch together to help them see each other’s differences.

Well I thought about this quite a bit wondering if I could get Dunkay and Remi to become BFF’s by making them hang out together more.
Yep, a donkey and fat potbelly pig forced to sit with each other and eat lunch then walk the pasture side by side.

This is how I imagined it would go!

I went out to feed the dingbats and who did I find in the barn next to the hay mound squabbling again? Yep, Dunkay and Remi! I had had enough of those two acting like wild animals and threw my cup of tasty goat grain down. I marched over to the two cry babies who were wailing out their complaints to me and demanded that they “sit down!”

They sorta glanced at each other snickering when I stomped my foot letting them both know that llama mama wasn’t messing around. The pig and donkey quickly plopped down on their hind haunches and looked up at mommy with her glaring eyes, smoke coming from her ears and tapping foot.

I proceeded with my famous speech about barn etiquette, being nice to the other animal’s who share their space, how God sees all, setting an example for the younger animals and most of all, how life will be easier for them if I’m not angry all the time! I can see them nod their heads in agreement making me ease up on my threats of no grain for a year and sleeping with the chickens for punishment.

Then, I pointed to the door telling them to walk to the pasture and talk about how they can get along better. Remi and Dunkay grudgingly trotted (well, Remi swayed!) out the door to go to the back pasture in peace. I smiled at my accomplishment, picked up my now empty duck grain cup and went about my barn duties when I heard Dunkay loudly hee haw, the pig grunt and a late-to-the-party alpaca scream!

I ran out to the back pasture to find that they became BFF’s alright…only to find them terrorizing the llamas and had poor Lincoln cornered to tease him! They figured if they had to be best buds, might as well have fun by making the other animals cower at the sight of a menacing dynamic duo together.

I can’t win. 🐷

Mother in the Parking Lot!

Fun With Mother

I had my M.M. (Mother Marathon) Day on Wednesday and I have to admit, it went pretty well! I only lost her one time in the parking lot. I know, you’re probably wondering ‘how do you lose a little old lady who walks slower than a snail in a parking lot directly from the door?’

Well, apparently it’s not hard at all. She got herself out the door and headed for a basket just a few feet away. I got out of my Jeep, went around to her side and she’s not there. Huh?! It took me less than 10 seconds to get out the Jeep and walk around to where she was supposed to be!

I stood there for a minute scratching my head thinking all kinds of crazy things like, ‘Oh my gosh, Scotty beamed her up! A van pulled up and 6 burly men jumped out, pushed her in the rusty old van as they ducked her cane coming down on their heads. Then, sped down the lane onto the highway and are in Michigan already! There’s an invisible sink hole and she’s under ground! She was never really with me!!’

As I stood there fighting with my over active imagination, she came up behind me and purposely bumped me with the cart demanded to know why I am just standing there looking confused? I asked her where she went and Mother gleefully held up a coupon. She saw it sitting on the ground just 3 cars from ours, so she bolted to retrieve it before someone else saw it!

Mother got a new coupon and I felt relieved that she wasn’t going be sued by 6 burly men because she hit them in the head with her cane resulting in a crashed van!

All is well!!