So, someone asked me, “what exactly are you looking for in a ‘normal’ morning?”

I had to think about this because our mornings fall under the categories of ‘frantic, unusual, chaotic, hilarious, unbelievable, twilight zone’. There’s nothing normal about living with llamas on your porch, goats in the house eating the Guinea pig food, a potbelly pig that shows up out of nowhere like the butler in Mr Deeds when you try to feed the chickens, a Donkey that chases his tail, a mini horse that stands in a trance most of the day from over eating, llamas and goats who stare at you through windows and doors, a rooster who, on purpose, screams out his before daybreak, COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO under your bedroom window on purpose, ducks that swim in a green turtle sandbox, a turkey who barks at the neighbors, barn cats that constantly squabble with each other, swirling around the yard in a dust tornado…I could go on and on!

Back to the original question ‘what would my normal morning look like’.

I snuggled into my overstuffed lazyboy chair with my non stop growling 7lbs of fur and teeth, and daydreamed about my perfect morning!

My ‘normal’ morning would look something like this…

I wake up at 9am to song birds, not 5am to an annoying rooster. I roll over to find a steaming cup of coffee on my nightstand with a loving note with little hearts drawn all over it from my hubby, telling me how much he adores me, how lucky he is to have found me…the perfect wife…along with how he got up extra early to do all of the farm chores just so I could relax all day, take pics, go to garage sales, shop until I drop with a $100 bill!! I fling back the covers, stretch and not worry about stepping on a dog, or try to dodge a growling, snapping chihuahua. I take my cup of joe to the sparkling clean porch without weaving my way through a couple of llamas and a too fat, thinks she’s starving to death pig. I sit alone, not with a baby goat trying to lay on my lap, and listen to birds happily chirping out their praises to the One who created them! Not to chickens squabbling with each other over a worm that one of them is running away with. I sip my perfect cup of coffee watching the tree branches sway in the wind, butterflies flutter past…not at llamas having a ‘date’ in my line of vision and everyone else who happens to drive past the funny farm.

Yep, that about sums it up. I shook my head out of this fantasy dream just in time to watch Sweetie the llama gallop past the window with Dunkay close behind as Lincoln our alpaca stood at the fence screaming out his war cry at the poor guy who, after all these years, is still brave enough to walk his two fluff balls in the matching purple sweaters, past our farm as our turkey barks at them.

Okay, this was embarrassing. Chad called me this morning after he left for work, asking me to please check on Sugar Baby because he had jumped on the electric gate motor box next to the fence, baaaaaaa’ing at Chad on the other side when he saw him bringing up the trash can and checking the mail. Chad told him to get down, then hurried up to get in the car before he jumped over to him. Super Farmer drove away and called ME to go outside to make sure the goat hadn’t jumped over the fence to follow daddy down the road! Its early morning! The only ones up around here are me, chad, a baby goat and C.S. (short for chicken soup) the annoying, never shuts up rooster! I fling open the curtain, squint my sleepy eyes to see if theres any movement by the gate, and yep…sure enough, theres a goat on the metal silver box with his feet on top of the fence post, baaaaaaaa’ing towards the road! Nancy has to run downstairs, go outside to keep an about to jump over the fence, brown and white spotted baby goat, from chasing a silver HHR down a busy road. Now, did I just burst through the front door and run to him? Heck no! I’m in my pink summer jammies with my fuzzy kitty slippers. I’ve chased animals before in the front yard in my jammies and I think theres a video out there posted of a crazy farm lady in a red puppy dog robe chasing a llama with her arms outstretched yelling! I’m not giving my neighbors or a passerby the opportunity to film me yelling at a goat on top of box in hot pink PJ’s! So, sneaky me hides behind the front porch wood piller, and call to the goat who is still crying for his daddy! He looks at me for a split second, then looks back towards the road and starts up his wailing again. Now, I have to go to the dingbat! I check to see if theres any cars coming, and slowly step towards the animal who is determined to embarrass me. I get half way to the goat when not one, but two work trucks come down the road. So, I have a choice to make…I can casually act like I always walk around outside in cute, hot pink, summer Pj’s or run to the nearest bush to hide. I ran. After both trucks passed, I cautiously made my way to the non stop crying goat keeping an eye out for cars. I got to my now, not-my-favirite-animal, yelling at him to get down from there this instance, wagging my finger in his face. He baaaaaa’d, I scolded. After what seemed like an hour, he jumped down and strutted towards the back yard as I loudly told him, “no treats for you young man!!” I turned around to go back inside when a couple of guys in their yellow and black biking outfits pedaled past and waved. I slapped my hand to my forehead because I forgot that I was in a wide open area in my nightie and kitty cat slippers threatening a cute baby goat! I saw a couple of cars coming but I didn’t care anymore, I’m sure someone is downloading a video of a crazy farm lady in cute, hot pink jammies with gray fuzzy cat slippers, scolding an adorable, innocent baby goat at this very moment!

Can I ever have a normal morning????

I for one am enjoying this cooler weather along with our llamas and other furry critters. Our larger than life, think their human, need to be in control, bossy, they rule we drool animals, hate the hot muggy weather. It makes them cranky, irritable and down right sad. There’s nothing worse than a depressed donkey who wants mama to hold him and reassure him that the crisp Fall weather is right around the corner. The oven weather will make poor Laci our mini tank stop eating (whaaaaat??!!), she lays in the cool grass under the pecan trees and whinnies out , ‘oh woe is me, I’m so miserable’! The goat walks around the pasture in a daze, the unbearable air makes him act more dopey than he really is. He runs into things, and growls instead of baaaaa’s. The pig lives in the mud puddle, she angrily snaps at everything that walks, flys, floats or runs past her…every animal on the farm keeps their distance, except for Dunkay of course, he is overly nosey and wants to know what shes doing and if she’s hiding food. The llamas spend 99.9% of their time laying next to the metal barn in the shade. When they are up, they fight with each other. There were days when I thought it was raining because I kept seeing droplets flying past the window. It turned out to be llama spit…the girls were spitting at the boys, and the boys were sending it back! Kind of like a civil war reenactment…they are lined up facing each other other, eyes narrowed, cheeks puffed out filled with spit, front hooves pawing the dirt (which puts them in a dust cloud), they put their heads high in the air, wait for Dunkays command to shoot with a loud “HEEEEE HAAAAAW”, then the firing begins! Spit along with loud grunting, squawking from the crowd of chickens, hooves pounding on the ground, llama war cries, Dunkay ‘hee hawing’, flocks of birds flying out of the nearby trees trying to get away from the war, C.S. (our rosster) crowing out his frustration with all the noise, the dogs acting rabid in the house, running to every window to see ‘who, what, where, when, why’! The old goat is still in his heat daze and walks between the spitting llamas, getting a new shiney coat…which means somebody has to hose him down (now remember, I don’t do barn animals when it’s hot, cold, rainy, foggy, snowing, sunny or dark outside). After a few minutes of war in the pasture, I push Super Farmer towards the door with an old umbrella and demand that he break up the fight! This is when I find out how much he really, really loves me! So far, the man still adores me.

The chickens dont seem to mind the heat, they seize every opportunity to peck away at the over abundance of flies that comes along with farm life, weeds, grass, bugs, dirt, other animals, each other…anything. Yep, life on the farm during the summer is exciting, fun, adventurous, active, calm, peaceful…NOT!

Come on Fall!

Well, I managed to make myself sick. Headache, chills, sore throat, and wanting my mommy in a big way! I can’t have her, so I made poor chad cuddle and hold me ALL night! I throughly enjoyed my night of chills, aches and cuddles. Chad however, is putting up with, “oh honey, I’m thirsty again…can you get me some more pop? Can you move your arm under my head to the right side? No, the left…middle? Never mind, put it back where you had it. Gosh hon, I’m freezing again, can you cuddle closer? Not so close, it’s hot. I need more aspirin, can you get it for me…quickly, I’m freezing again and need to snuggle closer. Isn’t chippie cute how he’s snuggled between us? No honey pie, he isn’t growling just at you, or daring you to move him so he can snap, just don’t touch him.”

Yep, that’s my loving hubby’s night. I’m almost enjoying being sick!

“Oh honey poo, I need your arm to move again to the right…no left…try the middle, forget it hon…the way you had it was perfect so please stop moving!”

Note to self…

Never take out a weeks worth of trash when there is a baby goat outside who considers you as his mother, queen, BFF, special human, love of his life!
He followed me either one hoof behind, or in front of me all the way to the gate baaaaaa’ing, going around in circles, running between me and the can, stopping in front of me, looking up with his beautiful doe eyes, trying to figure out which way I’m going! Then I had to play ‘push the goat away from the opening’ as I pulled a large trashcan through without spilling the yucky contents, while Biscuit tried to get between me and the goat which made the goat freak out more by pushing on my legs trying to get out! I’m not kidding…I’m half way through the gate with a large trashcan on wheels that stinks worse than the barn, as a million flies buzz around it, with Sugar Baby between my legs pushing to get out…I’m shoving him back in while balancing a stinking can, trying to keep an eye on Biscuit, making sure that he doesn’t sprint past us to chase a leaf floating across the street!
Me with a dirty green trash container, a small spotted brown and white goat, and a black as night 95lb Pitbull in one small spot…everyone freaking out in their own unique way!

Again, happy birthday to me!

Does anyone else ever get delusional on their birthday? I do every year. This is how I imagined my special day would be…

I woke up early this morning to the melody of song birds outside my open window with a gentle breeze floating in filled with the fragrance of wildflowers! I fling open the curtains letting the warm rays of the sun hit my face and grin at the thought of turning 29 again. I go downstairs to breakfast being served on the red ‘Your Special’ plate by a smiling husband and grandson who hugs me wishing me happy birthday! I eat my favorite morning foods and wait for hundreds of presents to start coming my way. After I finish the tasty meal, my loving husband and our excited grandson Isaac, make me close my eyes and walk me outside. I open my eyes to see my NEW JEEP with a big red bow on the windshield! I run to my new love, open the door only to find it filled with presents, cash, and a puppy! Then I noticed my sparkly clean animals are lined up at the fence humming ‘happy birthday’!

Reality…

I woke up way to early on the wrong side of the bed listening to the rooster who is determined to become dinner as the normal farm smells force their way into my room making me close the window. I fling back the curtains to dark clouds and rain drops covering the glass reminding me that 60 is only a year away now, and that makes me frown. I go downstairs to a hungry child asking for bacon as Chad reminds me that he is still waiting for his coffee. There are no presents. I do dishes, fix the ‘oh BaBa, I’m starving to death’ child his bacon and give Chad his cup of coffee because he’s sitting there with his hand out waiting. I then go outside to feed an unhappy fat pig because her breakfast is late, a baby goat who wants to sit on my lap and look for a new Jeep that I know isn’t there. My not so clean animals are spitting at each other in the field and pay no attention to me! I go back inside to find chippie growling at Biscuit, Isaac walking past me with a handful of wet paper towels (not a good sign) and Chad cat napping on the couch. ☹

Happy birthday to me!

Silly me. I was actually missing the llamas being in the back yard hanging with me, because we’ve been busy working on the yard and spent the weekend in WI for a family reunion (yes Kyle stayed and babysat the natives). So I went out to the front pasture to say howdy farmer style and invited them to into the humans area of plenty (I needed the grass mowed). I went to the gate with my llama train following close behind, opened up the way to lush green grass and tasty weeds, and they went from sweet, adorable fur balls to angry, starving, me first, me first, me first, me first monsters in 1.7 seconds! They pushed past me spitting at each other, trying to get to my birfeeders, leaving me in a fur filled dust cloud! After I successfully waved the dirt floating around me away, I slapped my hand to my head realizing that the natives weren’t interested in me and my wonderful company, they only want what doesn’t belong to them like my birdseed and Chad’s wildflowers! I quickly shut and locked the gate before Dunkay realized it was opened, and sprinted to the back yard to see what I had done! In that 23.2 seconds of freedom, all my bird feeders were empty, the porch chairs were knocked over, 90% of Chad’s flowers were leafless stems and Sweetie had her head buried inside the tub of scratch grain as Lincoln galloped past me with the empty feed sack hanging out of his mouth while Sammie chased him thinking there were tasty morsels still inside. The only one ‘behaving’ herself was Violet! She was standing there watching the mayhem, so I stood next to my confused looking llama and whispered, “why do I do this to myself?! You’d think I’d know better after 9 years with these animals!!’ Violet shifted legs, gave out a long drawn out sigh, and glanced at me like, ‘yep, we rule you drool’.

Oh my gosh, I wish I had recorded mine and Chad’s conversation on the phone. He called to tell me his 12 year old car that we desperately need to replace but can’t, you know, the one our mechanic calls ‘the death trap’, needs brakes again. That car should be next to new with all the repairs that we’ve done this last year! Anyhoo…as we’re talking, I see Dunkay strolling past the window.

Our conversation

Me, “your donkey just walked past the window, he’s out again”
Chad, “what do you mean he’s out again! I put him back this morning because he was on the porch trashing it! I doubled the cord around the gate! There’s no way!!”
Me, “well, he’s out”
Chad, “did you go out there and not lock the gate?”
Me, “no dear, I’m still inside cleaning YOUR house!”
Chad, “well how in the heck did he get out!”
Me, silence
Chad, “he’s a pain in the butt! I’ve chased him 2 times now! Plus he ate some of my flowers that were starting to bloom!”
Me, “I guess three times a charm” (giggle)
Chad, “your not funny”
Me, “yeah I am”
Chad, “no your not and I’m not chasing that stupid animal when I get home either ”
Me, “I hope he doesnt eat your sunflowers in the back (laughing)
Chad making groaning sounds
Me, “I will try to chase him back but you know he doesnt listen to me, but I’ll try”

We ended our fun little talk without the normal gushy sounds of of kisses and ‘I love you’, ‘no I love you more’…’ not possible cause I just loooooooves you more than life itself’ mushy stuff!

So Nancy being the loving wife that she is, went outside to chase an animal that refuses to listen to save her hubby’s flowers that he has been caring for all Summer (he takes me out to the back every other day to proudly show off his little pink, yellow, and purple wild flowers that he grew from seeds) only to find Dunkay munching away on, yes that’s right, Super Farmers blooming babies!

Good news, I got the naughty donkey away from the wild flowers and the sunflowers have most of their petals left! Bad news, chad has two tiny wildflowers left and a lot of leafless stems.

I’m not calling him back.

Remi our potbelly pig is downright spooky! As you can guess, she likes to eat…constantly…non stop. She goes out of her way to steal food from every animal and bird on the farm, and stares at the house waiting for signs of people to come out and feed her. Well, I dont want to feed her every single time I step out the door! Sometimes I want to walk outside, stretch out my arms, deeply breathe in the fresh country air with a touch of farm scent, listen to the ducks quack, the turkey bark, the chickens squabble, the goat Baaaaaa like theres no tomorrow and not feel the ground shake because I have an overweight, starving, excited to see me, pig running ( if you can call it that) towards me full speed…which by the way isn’t very fast, heck I could go in the house, fix a pot of coffee, go back outside and she would still be waddling towards the house!

So there are times when I sneak out, look around to see if I can spot her. Then I feed the patiently waiting birds. I get my cup of scratch grain, find a big spot to dump it so everyone can peck away happily and in peace, only to turn around and see an angry black pig with beady eyes squinting at me because she knows I was trying to let other animals besides just her eat! God forbid! I have yet to figure out how she does that! One second there is no pig anywhere in sight, (and I check too by looking behind trees, in the tall grass, under tables, around corners), the next second…poof…there she is, inches away from me! I didn’t see or hear her coming! She just appears out of nowhere! Shes like the butler in the movie Mr Deeds! Your standing alone, you turn around and there’s someone a mere inch standing behind or next to you! Its creepy!

Around 1am last night my dogs started barking and were running from window to window acting like rabid dogs. So I go to the back door to peek out trying to see if there was anything sinister lurking in the dark. Nothing. I scold the dogs and decide to go outside, alone, to see if I can spot something…not one of my brightest ideas. Me, a grandma in pink jammies with kitty cat slippers, outside in the yard looking for…?
Then I heard it! A strange high pitched squeal followed by a galloping sound. My thoughts automatically go to the angry headless horseman, my kitty slippers look up at me in fear, the moon goes behind a spooky cloud, the dogs stop barking inside the house because they are trying to crawl under the covers with Super Farmer! I’m alone with whatever is running towards me making an awful cry! I stand waiting (because my legs won’t budge) to see a blurry spotted white thing run past the porch and around the corner. Now I’m freaked! I go back into the house, jump in bed with Chad and two whining dogs, pull the covers over my head and yell at my still snoring hubby to get up and go outside to save our animals from the ghostly figure thats galloping around our house!! After some fast talking, pleading and a shove out of the bed…he gives in, gets dressed, and mumbles something about separate bedrooms with locks. I follow him out, staying within an inch behind him, looking over his shoulder. I point to the direction of the thing loose in our yard. After a few seconds, the loud unearthly sound rings out in the cool, quiet of the night, followed by the sound of many hooves! Chad backs up a bit, I have my hands on his shoulders from behind whispering, “see, I told you! It’s the headless horseman! He’s here and boy is he mad at you!” My now wide awake husband turns to look at me and loudly says,”what do you mean he’s mad at ME?” I reply, “well I haven’t done anything wrong! It has to be YOU!!”
Just then the thing comes running onto the porch and practically knocked us over! Its CHADS donkey! Dunkay cocks his head at us, let’s out a pitiful whinny and takes off running to the gate. He wants to go to bed! I slap chad on the back and accuse him of leaving HIS donkey out alone! My loving hubby glares at me and reminds me that I was the one who was home all day with MY animals, he never saw them! We walk to the waiting donkey by the gate to let him in so he can snuggle with Laci to sleep. Of course all this commotion woke up the pig who came waddling out to see if we brought her a midnight snack.

Yep, never a dull moment!!