I was sitting in my comfy chair by the big picture window, drinking my coffee, watching the natives as they frolicked in the pasture…actually, they were racing each other to the new patch of green grass that was trying to spring up…planning my day when I figured out that my thoughts aren’t normal.  This is what was running through my mind…’gosh, it’s nice out. I wonder what I should do. I know, I think I’ll let the pig out and chase her all around the farm for some exercise, we both could lose a few pounds. Heck, maybe I can get her to harass the llamas just for fun!!’

I mean, who else thinks that way in the early morning? I sit here and think of ways to amuse myself by chasing and harassing llamas and a pig! Aaarrrgghhh!!!

Well, its always interesting at the farm. Most folks love us but I think there are a few who would rather avoid us at all cost…like the mailman, joggers, families going for bike rides, or folks who want to walk their pooches down a nice, quiet, picturesque country road. Saturday was one of those days for our neighbors, the mail lady, walkers, and joggers. It started with the mail lady who use to like us. I was in the barn scolding the pig for wrecking Super Farmers latest attempt to keep her in as Laci and Dunkay stood there smirking, enjoying the pigs lecture, when I hear Biscuit barking away. I know that bark, it means somebody has arrived and is either at the gate waiting to see if the 90 lb pit is going to lick them or attack. Or it was somebody brave enough to walk through and is now being licked to death. Our mail lady came through the gate, up the walk and made it to the door with a package when Biscuit figured out that there was a new human to become friends with. Of course, like most dogs, they run to the new potential ‘salt block’ barking out a greeting. Biscuit is big, powerful and has a deep scary bark. So by the time I got out of the barn, I could see the mail lady had herself safely between the glass door and the front door as Biscuit sat in front barking and wagging his tail. I ran up to her apologizing, told her he’s like most males, all talk and no action…she wouldn’t come out of her safe zone until I had his collar firmly in my hand. She nervously laughed and explained how her son’s have Pits but you never know about other peoples. I totally understand. She gave Bisk a pat, he gave her a lick and she quickly went out the gate. As soon as she drove away, Biscuit squirmed out of my hand and ran to the fence barking like a mad dog again. There was a young lady all in pink jogging towards the farm. He ran to the fence, she crossed over to the other side, he followed her down the fence line, she picked up the pace to a run, I yelled sorry, she ran faster. I called the big black terror back to me to go in the house when he took off again. The older gentleman with the two fluff balls in matching purple coats was walking by again…you would think that after 5 years, he would know that walking past our farm is NOT a pleasant road to excerise your little fluff balls! Biscuit barked, they bark back as he struggles to keep them from winding the leash around his legs. Of course the alpaca looks up then yells out his warning call, which he does every time he spots a dog (or pig) he doesn’t recognize or like (the pig), the donkey hee haws at all the commotion, and Nancy is yelling at everyone to shut up. After the fluff balls got out of sight, all animals big and small at the farm settled down and went back harassing each other. I then asked God to please not let anyone else jog by, walk past or stop over!

Fun with mother

I picked up my mom the other day because her back was hurting and she wanted to go shopping. I helped her get bundled up, and got her safely into the Jeep without falling or having our feet freeze to the ground before we got there…she walks slow…really slow.
We get in the Jeep, I turn to face her and ask where would she would like to go on this below zero wind chill day (I’m hoping she suggest someplace that has close parking to the door), she looks deeply into my eyes thinking…I’m tapping the steering wheel waiting. She lites up and says with enthusiasm, “I know, lets go somewhere differnt, someplace exciting”! Now I perk up and get excited! Oh boy, a fun trip with my mom! What great adventure awaits us? I can hardly contain myself! I say, “hey that sounds like fun! Where to mommy!?” She gleefully looks at me, puts her fist in the air, and yells out, “Krogers”!! Huh? I do a cartoon head shake complete with noise, and ask, “come again”? She happily says, “Krogers! I haven’t been to Kroger in ages, I love Krogers! Don’t you honey”? I can feel my adventure spirit deflate as I sorta listen to her go on and on about Krogers. Now don’t get me wrong, I like the store, I fill my gas tank up there every week and I like to stand in front of their freshly made doughnuts and drool. But I thought we were going somewhere different, exciting, adventurous! I backed the Jeep out of her driveway as she is still going on and on about how she just loves the place…me, I’m not that thrilled…I was just there. I gotta tell you…I was wrong…it was an adventure! She had to use the scooter for the first time because her back hurt!
Part two coming up!

Fun with mother part 2

I got mother into the store without falling and asked her if she wanted to use the scooter because her back was hurting. She looked the machine up and down and said to me, “no, those things are for old people who can’t walk”. Really? She’s 84 and can barely walk because her back is aching! I tried to convince her that she needs to use it…if she doesn’t, her back pain will be worse after we’re done. She was not going to use it, she can walk just fine as long as she has her cane and a cart! I shrugged my shoulders, got her a cart and away we went to have an adventure at Krogers! We got down the first isle by the bread when she stopped, looked at me with annoyance and whispered, “I need that darn scooter”. I rubbed it in a bit, and said,”I told you mom, you just have to act old sometimes and use the scooter”! Then she proceeds to tell me that she can’t walk back to it, I have to get it for her. Whaaaat?! I’m now looking at her with annoyance! She kinda flips her wrist at me and says,”go along now and get that thing”. I sharply turn on my heel and head back to the front of the store to ride a scooter back to my mother. I’m not happy…the place is jammed pack with folks, I can tell that most of them recognize me by the way they’re smiling at me. I get on the contraption and head back towards mother. I nod my head at a few folks as they look at me with a worried expression. I go to the spot where I left my mom and is she there? Nooooooo! She can’t get far, she walks slower than a snail plus her back hurts! I go around the corner, no mother. I backed it up which makes it beep loudly so everyone has to turn around to look and step aside. I go down another isle and find her using her cane to get a box of rice down from the top shelf. She gets more boxes than she wants and I have to pick them up. I get her settled on the scooter and explain how to use it. She says she understands and takes off like a bat out of hell and runs into a display that of course knocks down more boxes that I have to pick up! She backs up and beeps and gets stuck sideways. Really? Stuck? How can you get stuck?! She angrily says” what is wrong with this thing”?! I’m trying to explain to her again how to make it go forward, how to stop, and please stop backing up! I wish I wasn’t so frustrated because I needed to film what she did next!! She got the thing straightened out and then drove it like she was learning how to drive a 1950s car with a clutch! She bunny hopped that scooter throughout the whole store as her cane stuck out the front warning people to move out of the way. Well, I guess I got my adventure! I was never so glad to leave a place as I was that day at Krogers!

You know, I kind of feel sorry for city folk. When they go out, they step into a concrete world with buildings so tall they block the sun and blue skies. They push their way through hundreds of people who have their faces downward, texting or reading their phones that seem plastered to their hands. Nobody makes eye contact, the only words spoken are things like, “watch it, move, I’m in a hurry, stop that bus, I was here first”! They weave in and out through bodies with distint hearts, they step over and ignore their fellow human beings who sit or lay with empty stomachs that are in their path. The only sounds they hear is the non stop honking of horns, words that are disrespectful, sirens in the far background, constant construction banging. A lonely world with millions people in the same place. Now, us country folks…we love to be outside! As soon as I step out that back door, I take in the fresh air. I need to squint my eyes because of the bright sunshine. I stop for a few seconds to listen to the song birds that greet me, they are cheerfully chirping in the huge oak tree, leaves rustling in the wind. I can hear the ‘hee-haw’ of Dunkay because he just spotted me. I walk through green grass into an open field surrounded by colorful trees! Hundreds of Queen Anns Lace swaying in a gentle breeze, monarch butterflies flutter past me to get to them. Instead of pushing my way through people who don’t care about me, I go through llamas who come to greet me, and maneuver around a goat who seems to enjoy my company, I walk around a fat mini horse and even fatter donkey who perk up when they get sight of me! I’m always greeted by a potbelly pig who wags her tail in excitement, along with the sounds of her snorting, the turkeys chirping, the rooster crowing good morning, the barn kitties meowing as they rub their affection on my legs! I’m blessed by the smell of freshly cut hay instead of exhaust fumes. After working in the barn and being with animals, I can walk the property with my loyal Pit as the llamas follow along inside the fence, taking in the beauty that God created for His peoples enjoyment. At night, instead of looking out of a high rise window to see thousands of other windows, I can gaze up into the skies and marvel at the millions of stars that were hand placed by my creator. I go to bed at night with the man I love, the dog who protects me, knowing that I have a herd of mixed fur babies a few feet away from the house who will greet me in the morning, happy to see me!
Yep, I love the farm life and all the hard work that goes along with it. Millons of folks love the big city, but gosh, it just seems like so many miss out on so much. I’m blessed to be a country gal…I wouldn’t give this up for anything. My daddy was born and raised on a little farm in KS, so it comes to me naturally. Its in my blood, and forever in my heart!

I had to run to the store so I put on my coat and was headed for the door when I caught a glimpse of myself in the big mirror. I stopped and took a good look. I was not happy! I’ve been in the barn most of the day spending time with llamas, a pig, a couple of clingy turkeys, and an old goat. I had on my tall boots with the pink horses on them, my blue jeans have a mud stain on one knee, there’s pieces of hay in my hair and stuck on my green hoodie (that has a pic of a Jeep and a Chihuahua in the driver seat), and to top it off, I have on my much loved, worn out Addie Acres (with the llama head), jean coat that I’ve been wearing for years. I also noticed that there’s a familiar smell surrounding me too. Really Nancy? You have to out in public not only looking like a farmer, but smelling like one to?? I brushed off the hay and said to myself, ‘the heck with it, I am who I am. One who runs with pigs, and llamas, and horses, and a donkey, and goats, and turkeys’!

ps…I really did RUN with Remi Doodles today…I’ll write about it later 😂

And want fun fact did I learn today on the farm? It is almost impossible to take pics of ice around the barn with a goat! Dillon followed me baaaaaaaing, putting his nose in all my ‘pic shots’ and tried to eat the camera! All his noise made the other animals curious about why mom was kneeling next to the barn as she shoved their ‘brother’ away, again, and again, and again. That made Dunkey come closer, he then started pushing me from behind with his nose until I started the shoving game with him, using my right hand clutching Lil Red as I kept up the non-stop push with my left hand on the goat! I looked like a teeter-totter with both arms extended…one up, one down, pushing a donkey and a small goat. The llamas stood in a semi circle behind me watching the show. And where was Laci the mini-tank? She was watching with her head sticking out the barn door because she doesn’t like to walk, trot, gallop, run…you get it. Needlees to say, there will be NO ice pics from around the barn!

Darn animals! I went out to feed the natives and noticed that I was missing one after a head count (which can take an hour if they’re moving around). So I walked all three pastures in the blowing snow looking, searching, calling out. Nothing. I checked the gates, looked for new holes in the fence, searched under the hay bales (you just never know with our animals), behind the barn, in the trees….everywhere! I run back to the barn to do another head count…yep still missing one! Its Laci our fat mini-tank horse. How can she be missing? All she does is eat and stand. She doesn’t like to walk, trot, run, gallop, step aside, turn around or move. Where is that horse?! I was getting ready to call animal control, the sheriff’s dept, the Boy Scouts, when I decided to go to the pen where everyone is huddled one more time. I look between the llamas, under the donkey who is hee-hawing at me because he thinks I came back to feed him again, and I see Laci laying by the door. She is not moving! I start to freak out because I’m convinced she’s dead! I fling open the gate, I push the llamas out of my way, I tell Dunkay to move it or lose it, and I fall on Laci who jumps up in fear and confusion! I fall backwards, the donkey hee haws louder and the llamas are spitting at each other to get out the door first before this crazy farm lady falls on them too! I brush myself off, Laci gives me the evil eye for disturbing her nap, Dunkay is checking my pockets for treats, the llamas are running around the pasture still spitting at each other, and Dillon the old goat thought he would plant himself in front of me and BAAAAAAAA! That’s it, I’m not doing barn chores for the rest of the year!

Okay ladies…how many of you ‘control’ the money in your household? You, know, pay the bills, do the shopping, saving, spending, stretching every dollar…running the house? I do 99.9% of it here at the funny farm. Ever since I was on my own at the age of 19, I learned to stretch, save, spend, pay, and yell at the money coming in, going out, and slipping through my fingers. Well, a few days ago I had all our bills stretched out over the table, my check book was out along with the box of Kleenex to wipe away my tears as I said goodbye to every penny. Chad came in, sat down and asked a stupid question…”What you doing”? You see, the man has never seen a bill, he barely knows what a check book is…the debit card he understands…he can carry it, push it into little machines that spits money out at him even when if there’s a red light flashing warning him “STOP!! NOT ENOUGH FUNDS”!!
I looked at him with annoyance and told him that I was paying this weeks bills. He kinda looked at the paper covering our large kitchen table and asked, “all this”??? I said, “yes dear, all this and there’s more that I’m ignoring”. He replied, “you do this every week”?! I’m thinking to myself, ‘where has the man been the last 18 year’s’ ??? So, I thought I would explain to him the ‘paying bills 101’. After showing him 100 pieces of paper with totals, balances, warning, threats, happy remarks, good credit, bad credit, you’ve got to be joking credit, I’m coming for your first born threats, apply for for an increase (I like those companies)…etc, I noticed he was staring at me with the same expression the llamas use when I’m lecturing them about barn rules! His eyes were glazed over as if in a zone, not hearing me. I snapped my fingers in his face and he jolted back to reality.
I said, “don’t worry honey, I have it under control, I just borrow from this guy to pay that guy as I put this guy on hold so this guy can leave us alone as this guy tries to figure out how he got skipped…again! I saw the glazing of his eyes again, so I suggested he go out to the barn to feed, water and chase the pig. He got up so fast and ran out the door that I didn’t see him move! At least he was out of my hair and doing what I need most…chasing that pig back into her pen as the llamas do a side step dance to avoid ‘that creature’!

This is great. Super Farmer went out last night to feed OUR pig and check the llamas. He saw a grey furry animal eating out of the cat food bowl. He thought to himself, ‘oh, it’s boy kitty’! So he reached out to pet our barn cat because he’s the nicest feline out there. He got about an inch away from rubbing his fuzzy little head when the ‘cat’ turned around and hissed at him. It was a big ol possum! Chad jumped back and the possum just sat there staring at Chad, daring him to try that little trick again. They had a stare down. The possum got bored with chad, turned around and went back to eating. Those possums are getting brazen out there. So far Super Farmer has caught two cats and one hen in his possum trap. Hopefully he caught the critter last night and not another kitty. Mr possum needs to GO!