Fun with mother.

My mother is always an adventure.
Her car was at Dave’s Auto (the BEST in town) and we went to pick it up yesterday. As we drove in, there was a red car that looked exactly like hers covered in snow…about 7″ worth. She automatically got flustered and started in about how they should have cleaned off her car and got it ready for her. I drove her up to the door, helped her out of my jeep, opened the shop door for her, then waited, and waited. Well, my mother walks slower than a snail and by the time she got in, I had tiny ice balls forming on my jacket, boots, gloves, and face. She sat inside the office and proceeded to tell the nice lady that they should’ve cleaned off her car after spending millions at their car shop. I tried to calm her down by offering to clean off her buried car as she pounded the floor with her cane in rythem of her complaints. I rolled my eyes, braced myself for the cold, and walked down the long icey lane to the red car that looked like a snow drift. I started to clean it off as new ice balls formed on my old ice balls. Half way through, I noticed that it wasn’t my mothers car! I looked inside the now cleaned off car and saw that it belonged to someone else! Really? I just spent half my day shoving snow off of someone else’s car? I quickly walked back to the office where my mother was still banging her cane as the super nice lady nodded her head in agreement. I interrupted my mom and told her that the now unburied car wasn’t hers after all. Her car is right outside the garage door, cleaned, engine running, ready to go. She blinked at me a few times, changed her tune and happily said thank you to the nice lady who looked relieved that my mother is now leaving. I on the other hand, was now grumpy, wet, and missing a sunset!

Our potbelly pig, Remi Doodles, now has a new nickname…torpedo! I went out to the barn to feed her, and she was buried under her straw and blankets. As soon as her little piggy ears heard me, she shot out from under her warm, cozy nest so fast that her straw looked like a bomb exploded! Straw, feathers, and fuzz were flying everywhere! I think I saw a barn kitty fly through the air too. She ran to the gate snorting, tail wagging, and jumped on top of the bale of straw we have inside her pen to help keep the wind off of her. I didn’t know pigs could jump, especially fat little stubby ones! I thought she would crash through the gate and into me so I braced myself by closing my eyes and putting my hands out. I heard her bumb into the gate…it held! I didn’t have to fall in the dirty barn straw and rumble with a pig! We both shook our heads at the same time, me out of ‘oh brother’, her from being knocked silly. She recovered in 1.1 seconds. She stood there on the yellow bale grunting, wagging her tail, while waiting for me to feed her, as her tiny pig legs went up and down in excitement.

I’m going to try to get it on film…its so funny!

Chad put on his Santa hat and took out a candy cane for each of the barn animals because they were behaving. I waited at the gate because I knew better, I’ve tried this being nice to large animals only once. They were being pretty good until they saw the candy canes in his hand. They all stopped what they were doing, looked at each other, then looked back at the candy. They hung their heads low, some were scratching the dirt with their hooves, spit wading up inside furry cheeks, then BAM! All heck broke loose! The stampede​ was galloping towards Super Farmer. Dunkay pushed all the other animals out of the way to get to the treats first…everybody’s treat. Chad stood his ground and put a hand out yelling, ” STOOOOOOOOP”!. They didn’t. Within 2.1 seconds, he was surrounded by 4 llamas, 1 alpaca, a donkey, a fat mini horse and a baaaaaaing goat! The llamas sniffed the canes, gave him a ‘yuck’ look and walked away disappointed. Laci grabbed hers, happily trotting back to the barn knowing she got one. Dillon baaaaed until he got two, and Dunkay? Well, he pulled on chads jacket, circled him like a shark and then knocked all the Christmas candy canes out of his hands. Chad and the donkey scrambled to get the candy laying on the wet ground. Super Farmer was on his knees yelling at Dunkay to ‘STOOOOOOOP’…the donkey acting like a vacuum cleaner sucking up the candy. Chad lost it all! Chad got up, wiped off his now wet and snowy knees the best he could, and angrily stomped out the gate as his Santa ball swung back and forth. He walked past me without making eye contact because he knew I was hollering with laughter inside my head. I was a bad wifey, I gave a thumbs up to Dunkay who nodded back at me in victory! Hahahahahaha!

Okay…I’m not making this up. We visit a friend’s church and I’m enjoying the worship. Half way through the first song, I feel something crawing up my back, inside my sweater. I just know its a stink bug. I’m in a dilemma. Do I jump up and scream which is my first impulse. Do I take my hand and try to swat at it behind my back making my arm bend backwards in a way it wasn’t designed? Do I take my sweater and flap it like I’m super hot. Do I tell chad and have him swat me on the back to kill it (I squashed that idea fast, I don’t want to have stink bug guts on my skin). Or do I excuse myself and go to the restroom so I can take care of my little problem. I did all of it. When it was all said and done…I smelled like a stink bug and it was laying on my seat on its back, his little legs running through the air. Chad pick up my tiny nightmare and walked him outside as I shyly said I’m sorry to all the now shocked people behind me who moved to other seats because it smelled like a stink bug.

Yep, its colder outside. This is the time when the llamas are fighting with Dunkay and Laci for the warm spot inside the barn. But!!! Guess who had it when I walked in there this morning? Yep…you guessed it! Remi the stubby little pot bellied pig! She got out of her pen…again…and headed straight for the coveted spot! The large animals were in a semi circle staring at the pig who seemed to be daring them to come near the now named, ‘Remi Corner’!! As soon as they saw me, they galloped over. I was surrounded by the natives with grunts, whinnies, hee haws, and other eerie sounds that belong on the twilight zone! I put my hand up in the air, palm facing out and let out a loud, “SHHHHHHHHHHH”. They stopped what they were doing, stared at me and I could hear their thoughts…’ Well? Are you getting rid of that creature? Why can’t daddy make that creatures pen stronger? Why did you get that creature anyway? Well?’

I assured them that I will get her out of the warm spot with the condition that they take turns standing in it, a limit of 30 minutes per animal, they let Dillon the old goat get a turn, no complaing, no tattling, no fighting, and that they all make an effort to accept the pig by making her feel loved, like she’s part of the family! I had them until I said the word accept. They shook their heads and started in with the grunts. I pushed my way through the furry bodies that out weigh me, to coax the pig back into her pen, only to find that the goat was nestled up with her sharing the warm spot. I pointed my finger at the cozy twosome and told the llamas, horse and donkey that THIS is what I’m talking about! Love in the barn!

So, I had to go home to pick up something I forgot before I went to Wal-Mart and found our pig outside where she wasn’t suppose to be. I chased her around, got her inside the barn, and got surrounded by starving animals, turkeys, chickens, cats and something furry that I didn’t reconize. Of course I was wearing my good white winter coat. After coaxing the escaped pig with food while pushing Dunkay, Laci, Dillon the old goat, turkeys and other various critters out of my way who were taking turns trying to knock the cup of grain out of my hand…my expensive,white jacket got baptised in barn smells along with icky animal stuff…you know…stuff. So I dropped off my nice, not so white anymore, winter coat to the dry cleaners. I put it on the counter so the nice lady could take it. She looked at it, scrunched her nose a bit, stepped back, looked at me with narrowed eyes, and said, “are you sure you don’t want to just throw it away and buy a new one”? I said, “no, I really like this use to be white, swede coat”. She picked it up the way you would a dirty diaper…with two fingers, carrying it at arms length to the back. Gosh…just because it was caked with hay, sticks, donkey fur, goat slobber, a couple of turkey feathers, along with spots that are not from humans, and smelled like a llama-donkey-horse-goat-pig barn, doesn’t mean it can’t be cleaned. Of course, after she left, I quickly wiped off the counter that was now filled with hay, feathers and fur.

Lake effect snow…gotta love it! Blue skies one minute, white out conditions the next! Sun, snow, sun, snow. So what’s so great about that you ask? The barn animals act like the weather. Sun…run out, look for anything edible. Snow…race back to the barn before it lands on their warm bodies. Sun…gallop out again to the patch of green that was dug up 2 minutes ago. Snow…race each other back to the barn to claim the warm spot. Sun…out again to search for the grass they thought they saw for a full 30 seconds before the annoying white stuff came down again. Snow…run, gallop, shove, spit their way back to the barn. Sun…well, you get the idea.

Well, we finally convinced the llamas that it is safe to share space with a pig and got them to come inside the barn. Of course promising them a cup or two of sweet grain always helps. We got them to walk past Remi with out a warning call from Lincoln, spitting from Violet or Sweetie, and no bucking from Sammie. They did however, push their way into the warm spot that Dunkay had already claimed for the long winter months, and shoved him out towards the pig who seemed to offer him a cozy spot with her. Dunkay doesn’t want to sit with a non-stop grunting, rooting, eats more than him animal that smells! So he barreled right between those llamas and took over the warm spot again. Remi, being the lady she is, offered the cozy spot inside her area to the llamas who looked at her pig pen with disgust mixed with horror and galloped out of the barn. That left me pointing my finger at the donkey as I lectured him about barn rules, Super Farmer holding two cups of tasty grain forming another plan, Dunkay in the warm spot swishing his rain in victory, Laci sleeping in the corner out of boredom, Dillon circling us Baaaaaaing because he hasn’t eaten for 10 minutes, and Remi? Well she’s happily snorting as she chases her tail.

Woo hoo its snow day! I love the first snow fall! The llamas hate snow and they usally gallop towards the barn as the very first snow flake slowly swirls towards earth. This is how I imagined it was like early this morning…

Three llamas, one alpaca, out in the pasture nibbling up every blade of grass, brown and green, as they keep an eye on the clouds that are rolling in. As soon as a flake is spotted, Lincoln does his warning siren and they gallop towards the barn! But wait! There’s a pig inside there now and they hate pigs more than snow! Oh no!!! 3 llamas, 1 alpaca standing at the barn door as the snow starts to pile on their backs, hooves getting cold, flakes delicately balancing on their eye lashes! Go in? Stay out? Go in? Stay out? They take a vote on who’s going in to make sure that creature is penned up good and no where near the warm spot! The alpaca loses. Lincoln bravely inches inside as the other 3 huddle at the entrance, shivering with cold and fear of the creature that eats everything put in front of it. Remi Doodle looks up, sees a llama for the first time (all week she’s only seen them run past the door) greets her new family member with her stubby little black feet on the flimsy metal gate that keeps her from charging at the gang, with a loud snort, grunt and a sneeze! Lincoln screams out his warning cry again, his back up team that was encouraging him is long gone and Remi Doodle is prancing around her area making all kinds of cute piggy sounds!!! Yep…I’m sure it was just like that because the four ding bats are still outside staring at the warm, cozy barn filled with delicious hay…and that creature.

Well, the llamas refuse to go inside the barn with a pig in there. It took a full day before Dunkay and Laci would go in. I don’t know what the problem is. She’s small and in her own area, so its not like they will be rubbing against her, or having a pig run between their legs, or a grunting animal shove them away from all food, scraps and scratch grain! Its going to be 30 degrees colder with lots of wind tomorrow, they don’t like the cold and wind. They better form a plan soon and accept that a grunting, rooting, food stealing, attention grabbing, show stealing, new favorite, cuter than them piggy, is now sharing their living quarters!